In other news, I did a lot of thinking this week. Mostly, about how much I've been concentrating on H, and that I really need to focus on myself now.
Part of the pain of this whole situation is that when I got married I thought I had my life sewn up--husband now, babies and house on the way! And then I could just skate the rest of my life on that.
Well, it didn't go like that, and now H is gone, and I feel like I have to start all over and like TRY and stuff again!
Sadly, that's really the problem, that I ASSumed that he would love me forever, and I could get away with being what I see now was an entitled, lazy person for the rest of my life.
I mean, maybe I needed this whole terrible, painful thing to happen to humble me and get me on a path towards happiness instead of a half-lived life.
And happiness takes WORK, which is not music to my lazy, entitled self, but the alternative is to do what I've done since forever--never, not for 5 minutes, be alone; find another man to "make me happy" until I resent him for not actually making me happy, because only I can do that. And then what, find another man, repeat cycle, and continue to not actually BE HAPPY?
I realize that I project an aura of confidence and well-being to most people, but within a relationship, I lose that--I'm insecure, overly sensitive, needy, unhappy, controlling. I would rather be loved than love. I play out childhood/family relationships to painful ends. In other words, I can be a real pain in the *ss.
So, I'm gonna work on getting happy. Figure out what is truly worthwhile about myself, and work on improving the rest, and I guess that's what I want to spend my time here doing.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
