Quote: I agree that there are things better left unsaid.Instead tell him you love him and always have.
Hi- Thanks for the response...Please allow me to pick your brain for a moment...since you are the only one so far who has suggested not telling him...Why would you NOT want to know? Why would you be ok with just wondering and not knowing for sure? How would you rationalize not ever knowing for sure and be able to move forward? Thanks bunches!
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Now I'm not quite as firm in my earlier position. There's a real potential for danger here.
For the rest of us, including Sage and LL...their requests for "the truth" have a very different tenor! They've assured their S's that knowing it was physical would hurt, but they would forgive and move on...most are hurt MORE by the uncertainty.
Here you are being accused, and threatened and I don't like that AT ALL!!
Is it possible that during one of the conversations your H had with OG, OG TOLD him it was physical??? Still, it would be your word against his.
This IS more complicated than I thought. Pop in on Sage, LostLove, Ellie (kml), Sadbuthopeful and some others and directly ask for their input.
Now I'm not quite as firm in my earlier position. There's a real potential for danger here.
Yah, Shiny, I started a post to Sandra too backpedalling a bit on my "go for the whole truth" stance. Got sidetracked.
I honestly don't know enough about your sitch to be fully confident in my advice -- so take it for what it's worth. Could you tell him the truth in a safe place? (counseling for example)? could you have a safety plan? (a friend's house, etc). I guess I'm still on the truth kick because I think there's little comfort in continuing the lying...particularly since he seems to "know" already.
arrgh. I'm sorry.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm rethinking my advice to come clean, given your H's possible violent response. I gave you that advice in part based on my own response to my W's infidelity. Before, if I had been asked what my response would have been, I'd have probably said that I wouldn't be able to handle it, and that I would immediately divorce her. But it's different when it actually happens. The shared history, the love that I still had for her, the kids, and other factors all come into play. So when I was faced with the reality of the infidelity, I quickly realized that I wanted to stay married to her. So, even though your H has told you that it would be over if he found out that you slept with the OG, that doesn't necessarily reflect what he would actually do. The other factor is that, as I said, it sounds like he knows in his gut that you are lying to him about this. The OG stalker thing is one aspect of this - it's hard to believe that a guy would get so obsessed over just an EA.
On the other hand, your H's jealousy sounds pretty extreme. You are probably the best one to judge that. If you think violence is too big a risk, well, don't tell. I still think that your best chance to put this behind you once and for all is to tell him, and that if you don't you will be having these same arguments 5 and 10 years from now, but if there's almost no chance that he will be willing to ever put it behind him, or if there's a significant chance that he's going to physically hurt you, then I guess the best course is to keep quiet. Good luck with your decision.
Welcome..while I won't say tell him..I am concerned about his violence..that is a huge issue..not just for him..but for your safety..when he says "you better hope to God that he doesn't find out"...those are almost threats. I hope you are both in c.
Thanks everyone for your responses...The subject came up again the other night and I sorta felt him out about how his response would be if I answered all his questions. He still said he would leave if he knew for sure...but I really think like Brian said(I think that was you!) in a previous post- he already knows. He didn't have a angry reaction...but I could tell it upset him. For now, I am choosing to take shinybears advice and do nothing...I will continue to think about it. What I'm thinking I might do is sit him down and tell him that I want to put all of this behind us and if he has any questions about the A to ask them now and lets get it over with so we can move on. If he chooses to not want to know (or actually hear it confirmed)then I won't tell him. For now though...I will just wait and see if he brings it up.
Yesterday was a really sad day- I have this little dachshund that loves to ride in the car with me. He can't always go and doesn't like it when I make him stay so he has gotten to where he will sneak in the car as soon as someone opens the door. He jumps on the floorboard in the backseat and waits until we are on the road to hop up on the seat. Yesterday about 11am i sent my D11 and S9 out to the car to get bag of feed for our horses. About that same time- I went out to the car and opened the passenger door and grabbed my purse off the floor.During one of those times- my little doggie snuck in the car and no one saw him hop in. Poor thing hopped in and waited for the ride that never came...As you can imagine- he didn't make it. At 5pm when D15 was putting her softball stuff in the car she found him. D 15 &D18 (who is a vet tech and used to dealing with stuff like that)had to go get him out for me while I waited in the house with the little ones. D11 cried all the way to her softball game and cried herself to sleep last night...It was horrible. The sad thing is the reason I went to get my purse was so I could go to the bank. I came back in and decided not to go. If I had gone...I would have found him in time. He was my buddy- I'm not much of a dog person- I prefer cats, but for some reason he and I got along great and he always went everywhere with me. Just last week he had snuck in the car and I told him he was gonna get himself killed that way. Very sad- a horrible way to go. My D18 who is also a lifeguard tried to make me feel better by saying that once he overheated he fainted and wasn't in any pain. She says that's what people do when they suffer from heat exhaustion so she's sure that's what dogs do to...I can't say that it made me feel any better. Sorry this has nothing to do with my M sitch...just needed to vent. H didn't have much to say...He buried him for us. We went to the store later that evening and he asked me what was wrong- I just said I was sad and he seemed to respect that. (Normally- he would have accused me of missing the OG when I was down...)It was a quiet evening...and today I really miss my doggie galloping through the house, jumping up and down at the door waiting to go out with me to feed the horses...If it's not one thing...it's another...Why does life have to be so hard?
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Hi, Sandra... I've been on the board for over an hour and a half, I just saw a post you made to Jethro and wanted to say I'm a fellow WAW and could use some support. Not that many of us around - you probably have read chacoal's stuff?
Anyway, I haven't read your whole thread - your summary was great, not too long as you were concerned about. I'll try to catch up more soon...Wanted to say Hi and wish you well!
You know, I've been thinking about your sitch and trying to compare it to mine. And when it comes down to it, it seems like your H can't handle the truth right now (it also seems like he's not entirely being honest himself...but that's another topic). So, IMHO, perhaps keep trying to work on your M using the tapes. I might also suggest having him read "5 Love Languages," "Divorce Remedy," and "Eight Steps to Loving Kindness" (if he's amenable to doing so). These three books had enough influence on me to not go off the deep end when my W told me about her A. Had I known before my self-exploration, I would have D'd her immediately. From my position, perhaps your H simply needs to be educated...to come to understand where the breakdown in your R came from...to recognize that it was as much him as it was you...and to take responsibility for his portion.
So, give him some tools and give him time to let things sink in. Maybe you can avoid discussing the topic until he's somewhat educated? Maybe you could just suggest to him that you think it's not a good idea to discuss the A (yours or his) until you've both educated yourselves?
Hey...just checking on ya...I forgot to tell you last time that I LOVE your signature line! My H lives by these kinds of attitudes! I'm going to send it to him in case he hasn't seen it (he is Sadbuthopeful on this BB)...
