Onward but not so Upward right now

[mishka422]

((((Donna))))((((Lissie)))))(((((Lisa))))))

Lissie - WOW! You absolutely hit the nail on the head. Everything you said is exactly where I have been and I am thankful to you for opening up to me. I could feel the damage happening to my son but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I knew he was around OW but the thought of him being there overnight in her place while she slept in the same bed with my H was making me crazy. Thought stopping has been impossible. I have cried for 2 straight days because of meeting her.

The strange thing is that I don't think she is a bad person, I just think she has no morals at all, but neither does H so they're perfect for each other.

I'm so tired. I'm exhausted from the crying and the raw emotions.

While I was in church I received a text from H asking me if S13 had asked me if he could spend tonight at H's also. I told him that he hadn't asked me. He said he didn't think he had and that he wanted to. I told him it was fine but that he would need his meds and clothes. H will be by this afternoon some time to pick them up. I SO don't want to be here when he does but at the same time I want to see my son so I'll be here.

I am sick over this. I know in my head that I have to let this go and stop hurting so much over the betrayal. It will only be my problem to deal with and my hurt will never be reflected to my H. He could care less really that he destroyed me. I put on a good face most of the time really but I'm such a mess inside. I just can't imagine ever purposely going out to look for another R before you finished the one you were in. I can't understand why he never talked to me about the way he was feeling. Honestly though, we never talked about our feelings in things because both of us are non-confrontational. He didn't want to hurt me so he never talked to me and vice versa. Look where we ended up.

I just feel like my life has been a total waste. 19 years of my life invested in a R and POOF - gone. Done. I'm not a quitter so quitting fighting for my M is killing me. It really doesn't matter though does it? In the end, we only have ourselves to blame. I know I will never trust another person as long as I live and that's a sad thing to realize.

Lissie, I'm glad to hear that there is some sort of recovery at some point from the pain. I just need to be numb and realize that I'll go on breathing no matter what because I have to for my son.

My next question is how do you get past the total loneliness? I feel like a prisoner in my own home because I can't leave my mom alone for more than a few hours. She won't allow anyone else to come stay with her (not that I have any options where that is concerned anyway). I try to make plans with friends but they always bail out on me at the last minute. I honestly don't talk about this crap with any of them because I don't want to drive them away. They're my only tie to some sanity.

What do you do to fill time when you really have no options of any people to do things with?