The Wifey - Still working.

[The Wifey]

(((Kiki, Poet, Neil)))

Yesterday was weird for me. I did go fishing. Caught lots - but I always put them back. Then I tried to call H. He was still busy with his Dad. So, I went to a little place for a wet burrito. Its kind of a different burrito with a sauce over the top. Kind of a family tradition to eat every summer.

Then I went home. For some reason I could tell I was getting a bit overwhelmed (Probably because of this morning and him talking about the worst case scenario) and I was about to leave and go somewhere to sit and read when the H came home. You guessed it, big backslide. I was crying and upset and I told him I was just leaving so he wouldn't see me like that.

About that time it started to rain and he asked me to just sit there with him. So we sat in the garage in lawn chairs and he seemed absolutely bewildered why I was upset. I tried to explain why without getting into too much heavy r talk. I just have a hard time when he talks as if he would be fine if we work out or not. That I wish he would recognize how very much I love him and give me some clue that he finds anything worth working on.

He said that he does and that is why he is at the house. He still needs his space and time to try and figure out the cloud in his head. He wants to be able to come to peace with the things that hurt him and be able to let them go or figure out that he can't let them go.

By this time I calmed down some, but was still not doing very DB. I was going to go to the drive-in later but I really just wanted to be at home with him. So we laid on opposite ends of the couch and watched a movie.

I felt broken when I went to bed. Like I just wasn't getting this stuff very well. I'd been doing so good.

This morning I woke at about 4 am and just laid on my bed and cried really hard for about 45 minutes. I must have drifted off to sleep eventually because I woke back up at 7:30 to the dog whining to go outside.

I took her out and brought in the newspaper. Sat at the table reading and drank coffee until the H got up. He said it took him a while to get to sleep, so he'd slept in a bit. We both read the paper and sat there with coffee.

I went downstairs and did laundry while he ate a bowl of cereal. I just didn't want to sit there and be upset. When I came up he gave me a hug. He asked if he spent a little time with me this morning if I would feel better and be in a good mood the rest of the day.

I said that I would. So we spent some time just holding each other and then I gave him some individual attention, um, in a happy place. (I got some touching, but I have my monthly right now.) It was nice to be given undivided attention before he went and did other things. Not quite sure, but I think he made the connection that a little time invested made me happy the rest of the day.

He'd made plans to go ride motorcycle with his friend after 12. I told him to have a wonderful, mind-clearing ride. I got a very warm kiss and hug before he left. He also commented on the difference in me between yesterday and today and laughed when I said I hate these damn roller coasters.

He's riding now and I'm just here on the BB. I'm using the wireless where my parents live, but they are not here. I showed up and called them and they had gone to spend the day in Niagara Falls. Anyhow, I'll be heading out soon.

For now I'm good. I picked myself up and will be ok the rest of the day, because he made the connection to spending time with me and my mood. I see it as a baby step because he figured that out. And he wanted to invest the time so I would be in a good mood.

Yesterday he also picked up the DR book and looked at it some. I wouldn't say he did any hard reading. I asked if he would read any of it and he answered that he knew how he felt. I said that the book wouldn't try to talk him out of his feelings, but it might help him find solutions. He knows I've been reading and he saw the Keeping Love Alive cd set in the house. Not sure if that will go anywhere, but he has listened to me talk some about the book and Michelle's idea.

Who knows, maybe he will get curious if I can just stay on an even keel for a while. I've learned that when I am upset I can not just go back to the house. Instead I have to find something else to do or somewhere else to go.