I don't have much time to post, but don't get tied to the 12 weeks as a time period- it's not hard and fast and it's just something I read somewhere on another thread- can't remember where right now. It's not a statistically sound number, anyway. You have to do what's right for you and your R, and if H needs space the only thing you can do is to give it to him. Do you think it's right for you to see him during that time? You know him best......
Your comment about your MIL made me laugh- mine's the same; I'm sure she's telling my H he was right to leave, shouldn't try and get back together with me, etc. But you know what, those things are all ASSUMPTIONS. Trust your H to make his own decisions (this is something I needed to do more of in my M and I'm working on it!)
In terms of saving your M, DBing starts by you initially being the only one who wants to work on your M. It's going to take patience and a huge amount of effort on your part before H will make a move to working on things himself. You'll feel like you're doing all this for nothing and that he's giving nothing back. Eventually he will, but he'll need to see you changing first. Also, do you need him to say he wants to work on things before you do any work? Or will it be enough for you to know you did everything you could to save the M, whatever the outcome?
Well I guess I would just feel a lot better if I knew that he wanted to work on things instead of being cryptic and only saying that he needs to fix himself. In a way I feel as though my life is on hold (in terms of where we live--which is not where I want to live, in terms of not even being on the continent where I want to be). I know that I can do the best with what I have, but I need somehow to hear that he feels this is worth putting effort into. If I knew 100% that in his heart it was hopeless, I think I would be making some different decisions. I hope this doesn't sound codependent, but as long as there is a chance for the marriage, I am certainly not going to try and get a transfer back to the US--the M is definitely worth the time and effort of being here. However I have friends and family back in the US, and if this weren't going to work out here, I would want to start rebuilding again with them around...Not sure if this is the right way to look at things.
I guess I'm just so used to having timelines, that without a definitive one in this case, I don't know how long it will be OK for me to try and work on this. I'll be back in mid-October, and part of me wants to just waltz back into the house and say let's pick up where we left off. A part of me is thinking that as soon as I come back, he'll want another 3 months (he's already suggested this might be the case), and I don't know if I can go through this yet again...
Ugh ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
What your H says about needing to fix himself reminds me of some of the WAS with depression. Check out AliSuddenly's thread; her BF has depression and says something similar to her pretty regularly. The thing is, if he is depressed he really will need to sort himself out before he can work on the R in any way. It's really tough.....
When my H first left I thought I'd give things 3 months and then that would be it for me. In the end, you decide the timelines and how long you want to try for, but the only thing I'd say is don't decide on a timeline in advance. You'll know when it's time to stop trying (if H doesn't sort himself out first).
Focus on you for now and let H think about himself. You sound really strong and very intelligent. You're going to find a path through this. I wish I had advice about the 'on hold' part. That must be so hard, especially since you're far from your family/friends.
Thinking of you. Hope the bookshop is fun- I do that a lot (especially trying not to read too many R books!)
he said that he feels calmer now that he is on his own.
H had said he "needed to miss me".
He keeps thinking that I am going to try to get him to change his mind about the time apart
In the last counseling session he said there would be no way he would go back to the R if it was the way before, and didn't think I'd want to either.
Does it help you to know I've heard all of these? My H NEEDED his time alone, it hurt like hell that I was getting so little information from him, but the best thing which worked for me was to give him that space. The alternative was not give it to him and he'd walk away anyhow. So I had no choice. It was put up and shut up time and it hurt, but it worked. A few months of pain for a renewed M was the price, I am glad I paid it.
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He is obsessed with his mother, and will basically take every piece of advice she gives. She has been divorced twice herself, and I think doesn't put a lot of stock in saving a marriage. How does one counteract that?
Tread carefully here ..... again I have a parrallel. My H moved into a friend's flat. This fried has been D'd twice. I thought that this friend may be telling my H to walk. I didn't KNOW that, I ASSUMED it. I kept all these suspicions quiet from H, to voice them would make him choose between me and his friend. I will not make my H do that. In your situation, do you KNOW his mum is telling him to get a D? Or are you assuming? She may be telling him not to, beacuse she's been through it twice and it's extremely painful. I can understand your wariness, but this is his mother, don't set yourself up in opposition to her. I think you will already have decided not to say anything to H about your suspicions, good move. I'm telling you may be wrong - for each situation, there are usually several different explainations, remember? OD says "Trust your H to make his own decisions" - she's right. Your H feels "controlled" remember? He's trying to get away from that, thus the liklihood of him letting anyone tell him what to do is low. it sounds to me like he is not going to make ANY decisions at all for the time being. Let him have this time, show him you care about him enough to give him this gift.
The subject of my H's MLC/mini depression/whatever it was came up in conversation with him last night. He told me he wasn't happy himself, it was NOT an enjoyable time for him either. You are BOTH hurting here.
And what if he ..... yep, he might, but he might not. The future is wide open right now, don't automatically assume the worst. Your first goal will be to rebuild a friendship, that's going to take some time.
Hang in there ITS - I have been through pretty much what you have and can say you WILL get through this and you WILL be a better person for it. My bomb changed my life in so many positive ways. Your future can be happy if you so choose.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Nice to hear from you. It's so great to have people on the board who have "survived the worst". Out of curiosity then, when did your H finally miss you? I see it was 2 months of physical separation. How much/how did you interact during this time? Did you let him initiate everything? Was it during this time that you had counseling?
It actually does help to hear that you've heard the same things. In my case I now feel like every problem in the marriage was my fault though, and I am honestly not sure that he'll ever feel calm around me again!
I am just assuming about his mom telling him to get a D, but he DID tell me she suggested he be on his own for awhile. They have this really weird relationship, and I think she would always choose his short-term happiness over anything else. On the positive side she's always liked me a lot, but I don't know if he is now spinning a different story--one that makes her now dislike me...
Anyway I can believe what you say about positive changes as a result of the bomb, but again logic and emotion are hard to marry sometimes and I am trying so hard to strike the balance between a degree of optimism--putting the positive energy out there and believing my efforts are worthwhile--and seriously considering what I may need to do for myself if things don't work out, e.g. do I use my bonus in October to pay on H's tuition or do I save it for myself realizing that I might need some of my own money soon...
Thanks as always for your support! I hope you're having a fantastic weekend!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Yes H is seriously unhappy with himself at the moment. He says that it is because all of the decisions he's made in the R have been for me, not for him, to the point where he doesn't even know what makes him happy now. This is why he wants time apart--to figure out on his own what actually makes him happy. I don't know if I would actually call it depression though. He is also being very healthy--rarely drinking, jogging daily, going to yoga etc. So I think he is dealing with things (apart from me!) in a healthy and productive way.
I am seriously going to try and stop worrying about how H is doing, but on the other hand I do want to be there for him, should he need me. He thinks I haven't been there to listen in the past, so I hope I can be at some point now...
I ended up buying a travel book on Poland--am trying to make myself happy about this move to Poland. By all rights I should be thrilled. I am SO lucky to work for a company that is letting me work remotely due to a broken heart. I am trying to keep this in perspective. I have also learned that I actually do have a lot of friends at work. I never knew this before, and am truly overcome with gratitude for this. I am going through all the GAL motions, so am now just waiting for the accompanying contentment to kick in...
OD I hope all is well with you this weekend. Always so nice to hear from you!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
not until about 1 and a half years after the bomb. that is when he told me he missed me. I think he didn't say anything earlier as he didn't want to give me any false hope, he wanted to be 100% sure of his feelings
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I see it was 2 months of physical separation. How much/how did you interact during this time?Did you let him initiate everything? Was it during this time that you had counseling?
he would come by the house to look after the pets. We would contact each other every 3 days or so, but never for very long. We did go out once just to a pub, had a night out, he was trying to see if he enjoyed my company, and he did, but had no love feelings for me at all. I would sometimes initiate, but I would make sure he had a very convenient get out clause and i wouldn't get my hopes up, and I always had alternative plans for if H bailed. Looking back, I wish I had persued a bit less. although I did a good job of going out with friends - to a festival, to Italy and to Budapest. We didn't have any C sessions until May, after the 2nd bomb.
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In my case I now feel like every problem in the marriage was my fault
I know what you mean! Eventually you will become more detached and be able to see where you contirbuted, where H did and where just plain circumstance did. And you'll be able to learn from these.
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I am just assuming about his mom telling him to get a D, but he DID tell me she suggested he be on his own for awhile. They have this really weird relationship, and I think she would always choose his short-term happiness over anything else. On the positive side she's always liked me a lot, but I don't know if he is now spinning a different story--one that makes her now dislike me...
can you control what your H says to his mum? Can you control his mum's opinion of you?
You're welcome to the support - it's like seeing mine all over again .... and I know you can be happy. I just KNOW it
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks ITH. It's nice to hear back from you, and that you're trying to make Poland positive. I know how hard it is to do this, so am full of admiration.
My weekend's going OK. I have a bad, bad, cold so have been indoors the whole time, but keeping myself occupied nonetheless. I'm quite a home girl so don't mind it too much!
Your H sounds to me like a 'pleaser', always doing things he thought would make other people happy? My H is the same, and I think doing it for a long time does lead them to a sort of crisis of self where they need to work out what makes them happy themselves. Did your coach have anything to say about that?
Hope the rest of your day's going well. Are you in Ireland? Hope it's not raining too much!
I had a bit of a crying breakdown for awhile, but am feeling better now.
Sorry to hear that you're sick! Yuck. Hopefully staying at home will help!
Actually my coach didn't say much about him trying to make me happy; instead she focused on me smothering and controlling him. I think this was the bigger issue, and is maybe somehow linked, like I pressure him into doing things, even if unintentionally...
I am in Ireland! At the moment it's not raining at all, has been pretty sunny and warm for the past week even, with a few bouts of rain here and there. Is it hot in London now? I was there in 2006 during the heat wave, and I found it REALLY, REALLY hot!
Feel better soon!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Oh man, I don't even remember the heatwave of 2006! That's so annoying! H and I visited Ireland in 2006 actually- maybe it was while we were over there. Rained the whole time, but it was very beautiful. Happy days.
It's raining in London but is pretty warm. Having said that, I'm wearing a thermal vest and a woolly jumper so am not exactly equipped to make an accurate judgement! It was gorgeously hot earlier in the week though- got a lot of chances to wear hot 180 dresses, and my H checked me out a few times when we met, so that was great
Interesting about your coach's thoughts. Did she suggest anything other than leaving H be for now?
Sorry you were crying earlier, but I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. It does get better over time, and the whole DB thing gets more intuitive. I think there are quite a few positives in your sitch if that's any consolation. And you have JJ posting to you- she's a DB Master!
OD
PS> Not sure if this will help, but it took me a while when I first started posting to realise that to get more feedback on my thread I needed to post to others. If you find some people in the same sitch and post to them, they'll reciprocate and you get more feedback which can be really helpful (especially since we're all in different time zones)
