Confused and Bewildered

[mishka422]

((((((((Chris)))))))))

Sounds like work was productive today! Good thing with all the errands you need to do tomorrow that they didn't need you.

Your H is definitely a strange one - not that they all aren't! Sex - fine. Movie - AAARRGGGHHH!!! Run for the hills we might have to sit together for 2 hours! Good grief!

[iamlost]

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real.

I know we're all afraid of losing our Ms, but what scares you specifically about losing yours, 7?

I think losing someone I love so very much. I've lost many to death (my Dad in a car accident when I was 22) , my Mom to mental illness, my whole Dad's side of the family when bad blood happened after his death.

I love and adore my H. I truly thought HE would be my life partner. He would forever be with me. That he would love me unconditionally. And now I see that is not true. That all my hopes and dreams for us, our girls, our family are falling apart. I know I can go on without him. I just don't want to. He's my best friend. And I love his family. It's huge and crazy, and wonderful. They are MY family. And while they are sweet and tell me they will always be my family (my inlaws have said this) the fact is, is it isn't the same.

I want it all. My family, my future, our past, my friend, my lover, my partner.

I'm so sorry that you've lost those people so close to you, 7. I don't know what it would be like to lose my parents, especially the way it happened with your mom.

You made a new family with H, his family adopted you, and now you feel you face losing that. That must be so painful.

I understand why you would think it wouldn't be the same, and it might not. But because of your kids, you will continue to have a relationship with them, no matter what. You just might have to work harder at maintaining closeness, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

I know the feeling of wanting it all. I wanted it all so badly that I drove my husband away--he felt like he couldn't provide it for me.

And that's, I guess, the point that I've been trying to come to: wanting something so badly, sometimes pushes it further away from you. It's like you become driven that things should be a certain way, and it ends up becoming controlling, demanding, and resentful that things aren't as you want them to be.

Our situations are similar, I think, in that we both had the trappings of a perfect life, but inside the facade, things were not as they seemed. You had a terrible couple of years and said you were depressed and took those things out on your H.

I think this is really important: Do you think that your H may be afraid that he will lose YOU, like you lost your mother, to mental illness? Do you think your depression and stress scare him that that will happen? Could he have gotten the impression that HE was the cause of your depression?

If any of those are possible, it circles back to what I mentioned to you before: the more upset and fearful you are, the more he is going to run to try to save you from it. The more you are afraid of losing him, the more you are going to be angry and resent him for running, which shows up as you being upset. And round and round it goes.

Can you imagine a life without him, where he's still the father of your children, and you are still involved with his family, but you are happy and healthy and have moved on? I think if you can get to the point where you can, you might stop being so afraid of losing him, feel strong, and he might stop running from you.

[pisces9]

(((chris)))
look at the positives....he is coming over and that may be his way of "celebrating" the day with you..i wouldnt look upn that too much...it is a big deal to you - but right now in the scheme of things it isnt on the front burner...if you are making positive progress then i wouldnt worry...re-read DR..there are stories in there of M's on the brink...your H hasnt even filed yet..even if he does...it isnt close to over.

remember the small steps. keep the positives going...

i am happy you have a fulfilling job! go get yourself a sexy dress with your new size! that is always fun!

[7 Year Itch]

So H came over last night. It was interesting. He had said he'd stay for a movie during the day yesterday so that was good. Anyway, he got there, we had dinner. Then I told him how earlier in the day I had promised D2 some M&M's because she went on a toilet at a store with automatic flushers (she's terrified of them), so I asked if he'd mind taking them to the corner store to get some. Then he goes "well, I had another idea. Why don't we all go and get some icecream". Me, invited..... my HIM!

So I said, that sounds good. So we went. THen on the way home, I took them by the equestrian center to show them where my new job was. We got home, and got the girls straight to bed.

Then he came in the room, and was obvious he was super tired. So we skipped the movie. But then as happens with us often, one thing led to another, and we ML. And he ended up being here until Midnight anyway.

So we were talking ,and he said that while he is off for a week in August he will plan to watch the girls so I don't have to have my friend do it while I'm working. HE said he'd take them for the week. So I sort of wigged thinking he meant at HIS house. So I said ,I don't know if Ican go a week without seeing them, and he said."No, I'll watch them at the house". So that is cool. I'm hoping he would just stay here that week then. That would be HUGE! It just wouldn't make sense for him to drive the hour and 15 minutes twice a day ,just to sleep and come back early enough for me to get off to work. So we'll see.

He also mentioned that he thinks he wants to take our pop up and go for an overnight during that week to "clear his head". I hope it would be a good thing.

Oh, and then this was sort of comical. We were laying there, and we were having R talk (just very light though), and I was emphasizing all we DO have (I know, VERY anti DB. Don't 2X4 me, K).Anyway, so I said..........."Are you attracted to me" and he looks at me with a smirk and says."well, I appear to be". LOL

I totally started laughing because I thought that response was so funny. So finally, It's gone from Not attracted to you at all, to maybe, to yes. Woo Hoo. A small victory! LOL I also got a super cute dress for the wedding today, and I tried it on for him. He liked it a lot I think!

So anyway. He'll be coming over again tonight to see the girls. He can't take them overnight this weekend again because he's working another big offduty job on Sun and Monday. So he'll be coming each night. He's on call today though, so I hope he doesn't get called out so he can come. He may come early to do some stuff around the house before we get home from the wedding.

I hope he does so he can see me all gussied up.

Anyway. I just have no idea what is going to happen, but I'm really really trying the whole PMA route.

WE have the wedding today. My D2 is the flower girl. I'm so nervous. It's a very casual at home wedding ,so they didn't have a rehearsal or anything. WE are just supposed to go early today. I'm really nervous she's not going to do it. Oh well, at least she'll look cute!

Chris

[7 Year Itch]

So,as seems to be the pattern.......... good day followed by confusing day.

H just left. Tonight was less than stellar. It started good. He came with groceries and cooked (that hasn't happened ina long time). We had just walked in the door from the wedding so he did get to see me gussied up. Didn't say anything, but I did catch some glances.

So we finished dinner, and I gave him his time with the girls. I worked in my garden. We came in, got the girls to bed, then he proceeded to sit out in the living room, and never address me. Finally he came in my room and said he was leaving. I asked if I could have a hug, and he said no. I sort of joked and said........ "oh, come on your turd" to which he said.."No. I need to take a night off from this". Whatever that means.

Said he's "trying to clear his head". I just hate this. It's like every time I feel a glimmer of hope, I'm immediately brought back down to earth by his actions or comments.

I starting to get really annoyed. It's like either "$hit or get of the pot" ya know. Now obviously ,I don't want him to really get off the pot, so I'd never say that to him, but I am so freakin' tired of limbo.

Chris

[Changed Woman]

You know...this is exactly the pattern I keep having with H. WTF is going on in their heads???? I feel like trying to figure it out from a woman's perspective is worthless. Any men have an opinion about what our H's are thinking???

[LolaL]

Chris: you know this is a pattern.

Michelle said something to me the other day that made a lot of sense. So I am going to tell you...

when your H left, he was miserable, and was convinced it was because of the M. Now, he sees you doing well, and sees you happy, and is wondering why the H-E- double toothpicks he left.

Let him brood, because ultimately he will come to a decision. It has to be in his mind, and it is obviously playing on him why he left when he feels so good with you now.

[mishka422]

Interesting perspective Lola.

I guess that would apply if there is no OW. OW skews their thinking entirely and everything is all about their own personal happiness.

Chris - Hang on girl! Don't make any further overtures toward your H. Don't ask for a hug, don't get physical with him at all. It seems like the physical contact with you is keeping him looping. That could end up prolonging the limbo IMHO.

Be careful and take care of yourself. You are the only you that you have!!!!

[LolaL]

I have to disagree Mishka. I do agre OW's skew their thoughts, but here he thought he was going to be happier w/ OW, and all of a sudden he is seeing maybe the grass isn't as green as he thought?? It is a possibility anyway. I do think, either way, he is wondering right now if he made the right decision or not in leaving...technically it is still about his personal happiness, just questioning where that is coming from.

[mishka422]

In Chris' situation there is no OW so he is being forced to see that his decisions for himself did not improve his situation. I think that is great for Chris. What I meant was that she needs to stop making overtures toward him because he is getting what he wants from her and then not having to face the loss as much. I really think that his telling her no might have been a good thing in the long run. It may serve to clear his head a little more.

I don't know anything though so don't take my opinions as anything other than the ramblings of a complete idiot.