Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[Jen_Jam]

he said that he feels calmer now that he is on his own.

H had said he "needed to miss me".

He keeps thinking that I am going to try to get him to change his mind about the time apart

In the last counseling session he said there would be no way he would go back to the R if it was the way before, and didn't think I'd want to either.

Does it help you to know I've heard all of these? My H NEEDED his time alone, it hurt like hell that I was getting so little information from him, but the best thing which worked for me was to give him that space. The alternative was not give it to him and he'd walk away anyhow. So I had no choice. It was put up and shut up time and it hurt, but it worked. A few months of pain for a renewed M was the price, I am glad I paid it.

He is obsessed with his mother, and will basically take every piece of advice she gives. She has been divorced twice herself, and I think doesn't put a lot of stock in saving a marriage. How does one counteract that?

Tread carefully here ..... again I have a parrallel. My H moved into a friend's flat. This fried has been D'd twice. I thought that this friend may be telling my H to walk. I didn't KNOW that, I ASSUMED it. I kept all these suspicions quiet from H, to voice them would make him choose between me and his friend. I will not make my H do that. In your situation, do you KNOW his mum is telling him to get a D? Or are you assuming? She may be telling him not to, beacuse she's been through it twice and it's extremely painful. I can understand your wariness, but this is his mother, don't set yourself up in opposition to her. I think you will already have decided not to say anything to H about your suspicions, good move. I'm telling you may be wrong - for each situation, there are usually several different explainations, remember?
OD says "Trust your H to make his own decisions" - she's right. Your H feels "controlled" remember? He's trying to get away from that, thus the liklihood of him letting anyone tell him what to do is low. it sounds to me like he is not going to make ANY decisions at all for the time being. Let him have this time, show him you care about him enough to give him this gift.

The subject of my H's MLC/mini depression/whatever it was came up in conversation with him last night. He told me he wasn't happy himself, it was NOT an enjoyable time for him either. You are BOTH hurting here.

And what if he ..... yep, he might, but he might not. The future is wide open right now, don't automatically assume the worst. Your first goal will be to rebuild a friendship, that's going to take some time.


Hang in there ITS - I have been through pretty much what you have and can say you WILL get through this and you WILL be a better person for it. My bomb changed my life in so many positive ways. Your future can be happy if you so choose.