A, When he offers you money, take it and run. Your daughter saw him with a wad of cash? I wonder what he's spent it on? A day in Atlantic City? Does your h enjoy gambling, shows or the beach? Sounds to me like he's look for a "rush". Then again, maybe he truly needs a day away from everything. They do tend to vacation quite a bit.
BTW, yes, they do tend to stretch the truth to the point of lying through their teeth and also looking you straight in the eye.
A, there's nothing you can do about him and/or his situation. Your "adult" child will need to figure it out for himself. Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As for the day in AC...my H never gambled, hates the beach and can't stand shows. Not sure why he is going.....or if it is the truth. At this point I really don't care about what he is doing it is what he is denying the children (the time he could be spending with d13 or the money he could be spending on food for them).
I took the money and gave it to s16 for his trip and told him that it was from his dad. I tm'd h that I would do this and I wanted to keep my word. H tm'd me that he is dead to s16 and that he loves him, is proud of him and thinks of him all of the time.
I didn't reply. I just dropped it. H did this damage and I can't get in the middle of it. S16 will never forgive H unless H returns and fixes our family. Even then it would take a while. I think H has given up and therefore stays stuck where he is.
Snodderly, the lying is just unreal to me. My h was so honest. He always preached to the kids about lying and he has turned into the biggest liar of them all. It is so sad to me. I have to wonder how he can have any type of healthy R with anyone while he is lying to everyone even himself.
I have to wonder if the nightmares he is having are part of the guilt that must be eating him up inside or if they are part of the depression. I wish the powers to be would fix the link to the depression articles from the resource page. I would like to get ahold of some of the reading material you suggested.
Last year at this time he was always around. Hanging by the pool. Bringing dinner. Now, he can't look at the pool. Doesn't offer to help with it and doesn't use it and seems to be working all of the time. Last year he said he was opening it for the kids. So they would have it. This year he said it cost too much money to open and didn't want to help out.
So Snodderly, there is truly nothing I can do for this man. He is in God's hands. I just have to stop trying to figure it out because it makes no sense whatsoever.
A, The last paragraph of your posting is says it all. You have finally gotten to the stage to truly understand what we've been telling you for many months. Now, you need to let it go and allow God to have the entire matter. Practice focusing on you and your children and leave your h twisting in the wind, for there is truly nothing you can do for him. He has to do the work.
Focus, focus, focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Saw H at d13's games this weekend. We sat together. He brought me coffee on both days which was nice and just made small talk. He came over after her game on sunday and d13 was bored so he offered to take her out. They went mini golfing at to see his parents. I was truly happy they spent some time together. I think it was good for both of them and for me too. When H dropped her off he looked exhausted. The late nights must be catching up with him.
Anyway, fast forward to yesterday and H called me. He sounded like he was in a bad mood. He asked if the payment book for the mortgage came and I apologized as I forgot to give it to him and I told him exactly where it was. I hung up the phone with him thinking something set him off....but since it wasn't me...I really don't care.
So last night d13 had a game. We got home around 8 and I worked on the pool for a while and then went to bed. The house was hot so I turned the bedroom ac on (I usually don't because it is loud). I slept like a log.
I wake up this morning....and who is sleeping in his car in my driveway, H. I went over to the window and asked if he was ok. He said he sent me a tm but I didn't reply. Must have slept through it. He looked terrible and sounded awful, and then said sorry to bother you and pulled away.
I went and looked at my phone and sure enough a tm @ 2:30 am from him asking if he could come in. He must have waited for me to respond and passed out. Oh well. I think it may be good that I let him hang.
He tm'd me a little while later just saying sorry to bother me. I told him no bother and asked if he was ok. He said it didn't matter. I told him I never heard the phone and if it was important he could have come in. That was the last I heard from him. He must have went home to bed.
So I will sit back and not dwell on this. I am so busy with work and the kids, that I don't really care to play the game. I will leave the ball in H's court and hope that God calls the plays that I am looking for.
A, I know you are worried about him, but you know what? He's a big boy and he's got to grow up on his own. He really did create this mess and now he's got to figure it out.
Now, what happened to the boundaries of phone calls at that time of morning? I'm glad the AC was on and you couldn't hear it. This man needs to have some boundaries put into place or he'll never "get it".
Leave him be. This guy is really feeling sorry for himself and is playing the victim role to the max. He's actually starting to get pathetic w/this sleeping in the car and trying to make you feel guilty about it (in his own way), etc. Just let him figure it all out. Keep the focus on yourself and your children. He'll either figure it out or continue to sleep in his car for a very long time. Don't take on his problems or issues. You've already got enough on your plate.
I am trying to leave H be. Today he came to d13's game. He came and plopped his chair next to mine. Told me that he is having an awful week and that he has been having nightmares about s16. He even said he called s16 yesterday and left him a vm (I know he did...s16 told me. s16 also asked me to tell him not to call again...which I won't do).
Anyway, while at the game he said that he was still planning to go away tomorrow but not too far. He originally planned to go to atlantic city. Whatever. I told him I hoped he had a great time...but inside it was killing me. To go away on the one day that you can spend time with your daughter, spend money to go away when I have none....ugh.
As the game went on he was very to himself which was fine by me. He did ask about dentists as he is having a problem with a tooth and mentioned he still needs new glasses. I hold the insurance.....and he asked if he was still covered on dental and eye. I told him i would check.
Now here is the dilema...Yes I know how to share. I would never cut him off medical unless the D goes through. However, I feel like he is taking advantage by asking for the dental and eye cards. He doesn't want to be married to me, doesn't help around the house, has a married girlfriend and wants me to provide his coverage. Man this guy has it good!!
Part of me wants to tell him he is on his own for this...let's see how he likes it and part of me doesn't want to be so spiteful. Not sure what to do. I guess I should get over his getaway tomorrow and then think about it. Any advice would be great.
So, tomorrow I will spend the day with the children and then they are going out to dinner and a movie with friends from camp. S16 and d13 are getting along great and I am so thankful for that.
D13 was upset today when her dad told her he was going away tomorrow and wouldn't be seeing her. He also wouldn't tell her where he was going. The night out with s16 will help her.
Anyway, Snodderly and everyone.....I wish I knew why H was having these nightmares and if he really is or if he is just trying to soften me up for the insurance. I hate to be so cynical but he shows no sign of returning and no regret for what he has done.....I wonder if this is the guilt pouring out.
Who knows. Off to the mall with d13 to window shop.
A, You need to check w/your insurance company to see what the rules are about separation/divorce. I kept my h on my plan until the divorce. However, had I wanted to be spiteful, I could have dropped him from the plan the day he walked out the door. Dropping him from your plan is something that you have to think about and consider the best course of action for yourself and your purse. At some point, you may need to point out to him that you are considering changing your plan during open season and since he's living on his own, he may need to get his own policy.
Yes, your h has it pretty darn good. He knows it and from what he's doing, he's stringing it along because he's stuck or is comfortable w/the way things are going, btw, that means nowhere fast w/him. It's time to shake things up a bit and discussing bills and your health insurance may be one way to do this. After all, you need to cut corners, but if you have the family plan, it won't make a difference in your premium....but the question is this, does he know how the plans work? Your h is living in a fantasy world of easy come, easy go and can bounce from your place to his and choose when or when not to visit w/his family. I honestly do not think he's realized just what a divorce entails or means after the ink is dry. For one thing, they think things will remain the same. In some instances, they do, but in others, they don't. Time for some lessons in divorce 101.
I do hope today is a better day for you. Hopefully he won't be having a pity party about his nightmares, etc. Sounds to me like his conscience was talking to him...loud and clear. It will be up to your son to tell his father not to call him. Those two are very stubborn and it will take a long time for that rift to heal and there's nothing you can do about it.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes Snodderly....my H has it so good. I thought a lot about that. Last Saturday, in one breath he tells me he is going on vacation for the day (and we all know that he isn't going alone)and in the next he is inquiring about his vision and dental coverage. I know I have to let this go, but it really upset me.
Sunday, d13 spent the day with h's sisters family. When I dropped her off his sister said to me that h runs from her whenever she is over at their parent's home. Literally runs. His sisters and brother all tried to help him, talk to him about getting help, ...he has pretty much burned his bridges with them for now. She can't believe that he looks and acts like an 18 year old and is not called on the carpet by their parents (who he lives with ).
Whatever. I can't get into it with his family. The siblings have washed their hands of him and it is not my problem.
So, I didn't call or hear from H all week until friday. I tried to channel my anger (over the cake-eating) into my work and the kids. H called me on friday as the kids finished camp on thurs and asked if I had heard from d13. I told him she was probably sleeping. He said he would stop by and take her out to lunch. Fine.
He sounded very quiet and down. Said he was tired. I was bad and asked how his day trip was. He said "he slept." Yeah right. Today he came by to take d13 shopping. I was by the pool and he sat down for a minute. He looks terrible. Tired and his voice is hoarse. Oh well. Not my problem.
Snodderly, I love my H but it is getting hard to keep on forgiving him. I truly wish I knew which way this was going to turn, but I guess it is out of my hands. Focus on the kids...that's all i can do....but I am tired of the hurt that keeps piling on.
A, You are right in not getting sucked into your h's family situation. Sounds to me that your sil is on to your h and he knows it. He knows he can't BS her like h can the rest of the family. They do tend to avoid those that will call them on their behavior, just like a child will do the same.
About his vacation and his comment about sleeping. I believe him for a change. He's not sleeping at night and the demons are bouncing around in his head like ping pong balls all of the time when it's quiet. Depression is having a field day w/him and he doesn't have the energy any longer to play all night and day. He's exhausted and I would venture to say that what he does w/his free time is mostly to sleep, except for coming to your home and being around the family. Please understand, I'm not making excuses for his behavior because he needs as much help as he can get from a professional.
As for knowing which way the situation is going to go? Only God knows that answer to that one and he's not ready to reveal anything to you at this time. Keep focusing on you and your children. This is the most stable path you have right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am trying really hard to not think about h and let him be, but something seems to be going on. I have been good with the analizing but I just feel like there is something. Perhaps it is the depression or perhaps he is trying to suck me in regarding the benefits.
He was over on sunday for just a little bit. He had to work. He arrived in new jeans he bought while out with d13. The jeans came with holes in them. Now....3 years ago he once told s16 that he would never allow him to spend $$ on jeans that already have holes in them. That would be crazy. Yadayadayada. Wow...has someone turned into a teenager.
Anyway I commented on the jeans and said they were nice and jokingly said my how times have changed. H said...he liked the way they fit. Yeah right!
He was very quiet on sunday. He actually fell asleep on the couch for quite a long time. D13 and I were outside and when he left for work he apologized for sleeping and said he doesn't know why he is so tired.
I left work early on monday and H was at the house when I got home. Sleeping again. I have to say I am a bit worried about him sleeping so much.
H is barely talking to me right now. When I called him the other day about d13 he was very short. Ever since he returned from his vacation. Tired and short.
I do have to discuss something with him but don't find him in a good frame of mind right now and am a little nervous to do so. H's sister (the one from my previous post) offered s16 a car (old car with lots of miles but in good shape) for free. It was her h's and he got a company car. All it would cost is for any repairs it would need.
I took it to a mechanic and for a reasonable amount it will fix up nice and be good for him to take to school and swim practice. It is a volvo with airbags all over....
Anyway, s16 is just going for his license next month. I don't think H will approve of him having a car right away but I also know that 1 car between the 2 of us won't work. It is too hard. Both kids are too busy. If h was here, I would never do this since there would be 2 cars ....but I am tired of 5:30 am swim practice, after school practice, getting d13 to swim practice....last year i was running from 5:30 am until 9pm.
So, even though I have not discussed this with H, I think d13 may have leaked it to him. ...So maybe he is mad about that. I just can't talk to him. He makes it all about him. He'll either say his sister is trying to take away his son or that I spoil him. He just doesn't get that I need some relief. He always said I never discussed things with him. I just know when it comes to s16, his sister and the whole deal, it will be a rough conversation.
Whatever. He hates his sister and that makes this even worse.
So, today he took d13 to the orthodontist. She said he was tired. Part of me wants to tm him and ask if he is ok and part of me just wants him to twist out there.
Starting tomorrow, I will not work a full day until September 4th (I am either off full day or taking half day until the kids are back to school). I am very excited. I want to get the house in shape, back to school prep and some pool time. I am sure I will see H while i am off.
So Snodderly, happy birthday once again. We Leos rule!! (i am next thursday).
