Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

OK I'm feeling incredibly low today. This is the first weekend that I have been away from H where we are separated, moreover it's a holiday weekend here, and usually we would do something on these weekends. In his mind, we are not married or even dating during this time (even though he says he won't date other people either). I just want to cry, to call him, to talk to him, to send him a long email. I can't understand why he doesn't miss me. In fact in counseling he said that he feels calmer now that he is on his own. I'm leaving the country in 2 weeks for 2 months, and if he is becoming so much happier and stronger on his own, why would he ever consider letting me back in his life? I am just utterly terrified right now, and to me these 2 weeks before I go should be an opportunity to spend quality time together, but I literally think he's counting down the days until I leave. Each time I see him, it is worse. Before I gave him space for the first time, he was still touching me, and being mildly affectionate. After the 1st 5 days apart, he became like a zombie, but still had conversations with me. Now when I see him, he seems to have the patience to be around me for only about 1 hour or so, before he shuts down. I just don't know whether I should continue feeling optimism. Everyone I know is telling me to come up with an alternative plan, and to just accept the marriage as essentially being over.

I really don't think that physical separations are a good thing, especially if we don't see each other for several weeks at a time. H had said he "needed to miss me". What happens if he doesn't miss me? I don't know how much effort he will be willing to put into a marriage that suddenly he seems "never to have been happy" in. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and I just don't know how to get past this...Will the time in another country help? Does anyone think that physical distance actually does help or does it make the WAS even more hardened?

Feeling blue today...

ITH