I have had a really difficult time detaching until recently. I am really bad when it comes to backing off and giving space. This past week, I think I hit my breaking point, and finally got so emotionally exhausted I was ready to give up.
I went to see my C on Thurs, and she gave me some great suggestions for detaching. So I thought I would share for anyone who is having a hard time, because this has really worked for me.
Take a mental step outside, a sort of disassociation from the sitch, and look at it as if it were happening to someone else. Then, ask yourself why what you are doing is not working (I wonder if this C read DR... because she is on the point).
I did that, and I realized that although I have been making an attempt not to call, I have not done so well. I have done better than before, no begging or crying, but I still contact a lot. I forward jokes, I send little "hi" texts, I call just to say hi. This, of course, is not working. Although I have done better, I still have room for improvement.
I also realized that what my H is going through may not have all that much to do with me. This is not to say that the problems were all his fault, I had my share of issues as well. But my C also said that I have been addressing MY issues, and he has not been addressing his, therefore there is not much I can do right now. I realized that the fact that he does not want to talk to me now may not have much to do with me. If I need something he can give, he is right there to give it. But right now, he cannot do more.
Taking that step back and really mentally looking at the sitch as if I were an outsider helped me to detach a lot, and quickly. I cannot tell you I still don't think of my H frequently, but it is without pain. I am not always checking the phone to see if he has called. I am not expecting him to call. Right now, he cannot give anymore than he can, and I accept that.
I also have been able to come to terms with the fact that although I love my H with all my heart, if we don't reconcile at some point in the future, I will be okay. I will always love him, and miss him, but if it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not, it won't. And nothing I can do or say is going to change that.
A wise friend on this board once told me detaching is not about making the WAS miss you, but healing yourself. I am starting to heal. There are bittersweet moments, but honestly, this has worked for me. Detaching or disassociating myself from the sitch has help in a tremendous manner.
Last thing...I know this is long. I realized that it was not until now that I was actually READY to detach. I thought that by detaching, I was letting go of hope and faith. That's not it. It is about letting go of the pain, and forgiveness. I am still sad, but it is a clean kind of sad rather than having this heaviness on my heart all the time. And for that I am grateful.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
