You will be alright. Use this time for you. I know right now that seems so overwhelming. It may take a few days to "get your motor runnin'" You will be feel better if you keep your hands busy. Your mind will be busy at the same time. Let him find himself also. This is time for you to take the fork in the road for your own journey. You need to find yourself.
Don't panic if he doesn't call you for coffee or whatever. Find your inner peace, and you will.
When my H first left I had the cleanest house on the block. I did cry but it has become less frequent and doesn't last as long.
Do things for yourself and try some 180's too. They can be scarey and fun too. ( as long as they aren't too out there!
Hang in there ba, he will be thinking about you even if he doen't admit it.
Let him come to you.
Hugs E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
Thanks Enlighten...I know you are right...I know it deep down...I just have to get there.
I don't believe he will come back...I've lost my hope and I need to find it again.
He doesn't have much at the townhouse...no computer, no TV..no phone (except his cell) a bed, nightstands, two lamps and the patio furniture...and his clothes. I hope he sits in the silence and really thinks about things. There are more hours a day for work and being alone than he will be able to spend with MOW. I don't think much will change on that front. The difference is that he won't be coming home....he won't be calling me or emailing me nor I him.
In 24 years we have never gone more than maybe 8 hours without talking. We have only been apart maybe 10 days total. We were a team...we did everything together.
Being alone...is going to take some getting used to.
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
You will be ok, BA! Now will be the time to really start GAL, I think. If nothing else, you can use the distraction!
I think he is going to feel the emptiness when it gets dark, and he is alone. It will take some time for him to realize it, and more time to admit it. That's ok, the last thing you want is for him to come back before he is ready. And that will take a while, he has a lot of "stuff" to work through, and he isn't ready to do it yet.
I'll be sticking with you! Things will get better.
Yesterday was just plain weird. I did expect H to call in the morning...he was checking on whether or not we would be painting outside. He called at 8...told him it was too hot already (east side full sun...)he asked to come over to talk. When he arrived he kissed me hello...wanted to go out for breakfast...told him I didn't think so....he wanted to eat and then come back home to talk...so reluctantly I agreed. FAST FORWARD....our talk didn't go well...there were alot of accusations, back peddling, feelings being made known (by both of us)...then he complained that he was exhausted (didn't sleep all night at the Townhouse)..and he had a headache...so I figured he was leaving...but he lingered for more than an hour after the arguing....
We agreed to some boundaries. He must call before he comes over. He cannot come over if I am not there. There will be no more R talks...none...we will behave as friends...no more belittling or bashing of one another. No more bringing up past issues...they cannot be changed...we can only move forward...so absolutely no throwing the past isses in each other's faces....(this is especially important because H cannot let issues from the past go....he still complains that I didn't lose weight after the kids were born 19 years and 22 years ago....doesn't matter how I look now...just that he didn't like it 20 years ago)
After he left, I went out and did some window shopping...then came home and rearranged the family room, cleaned a couple rooms upstairs....and then H called again.....wanted to know if he could come over to wash the durango and my car and we could eat dinner together.....so being "friendly" I said sure. He came, didn't wash the cars (it looked like rain)..we ate and he left about an hour and a half later. Kissed me 3 or 4 different times and said ILY...let's just get through one day at a time.
He called at 9 just to chat for 15 minutes....he called at 10:10 to say good night, sleep well, ILY....???
He called at 6 am this morning to see how I was doing. He emailed at 10:30....
This is not at all how I thought this "trial" separation as he calls it would be. He doesn't like me to say that he walked out on me...or he deserted me...oh...and he doesn't want anyone to know yet....he wants to wait and see how things go over the next few days, or couple of weeks before we decide to tell the kids or families and friends...WTH?
I am going to be less available to him. He can't have it both ways...he needs to be a husband full time or he needs to be alone...this is what he wanted...too bad it's depressing over there and he doesn't have much to keep him occupied...too bad it's so quiet...it's quiet at our house too....too bad his cell phone gets horrible reception there....can't call MOW and have a decent conversation...too bad...
I will be his friend...I am trying to distance myself, but he doesn't seem to want me to do that. He asks what I am doing...I told him it wasn't any of his business....he suggests things that I should do in my free time...like wash the car, go shopping, go to a movie....I told him I will do what I want when I am ready...he doesn't want to report to me, so why should I have to report to him?
UGHHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated and confused!
Sorry this is so long.... BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Your H is obviously having a hard time letting go of you; he obviously needs you and wants to spend time with you. I think on some level he's scared of losing you.
I really like the boundaries that you set and how you responded to his questions. I like the idea of pulling back and seeing how he reacts.
Thinking of you. How are you occupying yourself at the moment?
I'm sorry he suddenly left like that and then the way he is behaving, no wonder you are confused, he is putting you through the mill!! When you wrote..
Quote:
Being alone...is going to take some getting used to.
...my first thought was, uh..being alone is going to take alot for HIM to get used to! And he couldnt manage a weekend alone without calling you constantly!!!
I'm not sure about the pulling back/being not available - your H is clearly going through some kind of crisis, but still loves you deep down.. I read some other posters saying men in MLC with depression need consistency and reassurance. So if you can stand it, I would accept his contact when he deems to bestow contact upon you! But then, you know your sitch best and your limits.
Also.. your H took this decision and walked out on 1 August - the solar eclipse (he's not an Aquarian or Leo is he???), but it is said that decisions of this magnitude taken on an eclipse are never a good idea, as they seldom work out as expected. It is also the start of a new beginning though, and whatever happens next, I guess that this step is necessary, as hard as that is.
Thinking of you, this is a difficult time for you, especially as your kids have flown the nest recently, hugs, Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I understand what you are saying Ali about trying to be the consistency in his life...that's why this is so hard...I want to be there for him...but I need to be prepared myself if this is the beginning of the end....It's hard for me to GAL if he's going to be so involved in my free time (evenings and weekends). That's why I feel the need to pull away somewhat...not completely...????
We are both Cancer's... I don't know what that means, but maybe you can give me some insight some time....no pressure...
One step at a time...huh?
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Ali has a good point, but it seems to me that at some level he has to see that this is a seperation. I think at least some unavailabliity is a good idea. He has been picking and choosing when and how to include you in his life for a long time. I think you need to look out for yourself, too.
He is going to miss you. He already does. He is not being real bright!
Well I can only guess that he has a Cancer Moon sign or something, or Venus in Cancer, or its his 7th house cusp or somehing, for him to go so dramatically and bundle ALL his stuff into bin liners like that on the eclipse.
Theres another in 2 weeks time, so I'd take a breather between now and then, as you were both hit so dramatically by the solar eclipse, the softer lunar eclipse (linked to Neptune, so highlights problems with drink, drugs or delusions!!!) is on 16th August and may be a bit more "illuminating". Watch the 15th/16th for revelations or conversations to do with events around February 6th, the last eclipse.
I'm hoping my ex will finally say something revealing to me, but as he is super secretive, I doubt he will. Your H is a better communicator, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that something useful comes of it.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((BA))) So sorry! It will be OK though. It gets so much better from here. One more step in this journey.
I recommend you starting to do some really fun things, that way you arent avoiding H, or punishing H, you are just occupied doing things that you actually want to do. GAL GAL!! Go shopping, and make yourself look hot! Make new friends!!
