Exactly Poet, its just guilt talking when they do that. And when you answer you just EASE THEIR GUILT and ENABLE the AFFAIR.
GUILT ENDS AFFAIRS. When you are too nice, when you are too accomodating, when you do not protest, when you reply to "how are you" then you are SOFTENING the GUILT and sending a message to your spouse :
UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE So, how ya doin?
BETRAYED SPOUSE I'm ok
The subtext of this exchange that the unfaithful spouse hears is the following :
1. Its ok you are having an affair. 2. It doesn't hurt me. 3. I have accepted the end of our marriage and am moving on. 4. You don't need to feel guilty or bad in any way. 5. Keep having your affair, I will be fine.
Sorry Buster, but if YOU want to send her a message, chit chatting casually is sending the wrong message.
Initially we thought she was coming around, but secretly she was using YOUR HOME as her romantic playspace.
That was a HUGE ALARM BELL saying that you need to change your strategy. She has gotten way too comfortable and is playing you.
I think if you detach for a few weeks, and then move in, that will really make her head spin. Its a good solid approach.
Good call Poet, just ignore his questions. You ask him stuff and I am sure he uses the same smoke and mirror games. Detachment BUILDS CURIOSITY, in many ways it CAN bring your spouse closer.
You and Poet have been emotionally beaten senseless by their affair, so now it is hard for you to find the confidence to believe that your years of emotional attachment aren't nagging away at these wayward people, but it is. And when you detach, you force them to wake up and realise you arne't there for them anymore. This CAN draw them out towoards you.
Sorry Buster, but being nice is at this point just sending a message to her that you are a doormat. You are NOT a doormat and its time for that mat to bite back and show her you are hurt and wont' tolerate her crap.
I know she said she wont' have OM there, but she has said that before. Its a smoke screen of lies to keep you from surprising her again. She WANTS you to stay AWAY, so she tells you the house is safe and you don't need to worry about it. Its a game and she's getting a kick out of playing it.
