1. You don't answer your phone. 2. You tell her HE is fine and THAT is all you SAY.
How is this so complicated?
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, you just IGNORE IT.
How is this so damn hard?
If she calls, you ignore the call.
If she sends a text, you send text back once to say
"Our son is physically healthy and holding up under the storm of your affair. He will survive but will be seriously scarred."
And you leave it there. You don't answer her calls. When she comes to pick him up, you have one of your parents sit on on her visit and YOU dont BE there.
When your wife comes to drop your son off you Don't BE THERE.
This is not hard to comprehend, its a matter of resolve. You simply need to grow a pair. I know it hurts, I know its stressful, but it will shake her little world up a bit and send a message to her that YOU will NOT TOLERATE her CRAP anymore. What happened to "so much for mr nicey?"
You did post that right? Where IS HE?
Where is mr not so nicey? Where is MR detachment?
Read Divorce Remedy again. This material is all in there. Its up to you to accept it.
When my H asked me last night -- in three different ways -- if I'm living in the house now, I beat around the bush or changed the subject and never answered his question.
Exactly Poet, its just guilt talking when they do that. And when you answer you just EASE THEIR GUILT and ENABLE the AFFAIR.
GUILT ENDS AFFAIRS. When you are too nice, when you are too accomodating, when you do not protest, when you reply to "how are you" then you are SOFTENING the GUILT and sending a message to your spouse :
UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE So, how ya doin?
BETRAYED SPOUSE I'm ok
The subtext of this exchange that the unfaithful spouse hears is the following :
1. Its ok you are having an affair. 2. It doesn't hurt me. 3. I have accepted the end of our marriage and am moving on. 4. You don't need to feel guilty or bad in any way. 5. Keep having your affair, I will be fine.
Sorry Buster, but if YOU want to send her a message, chit chatting casually is sending the wrong message.
Initially we thought she was coming around, but secretly she was using YOUR HOME as her romantic playspace.
That was a HUGE ALARM BELL saying that you need to change your strategy. She has gotten way too comfortable and is playing you.
I think if you detach for a few weeks, and then move in, that will really make her head spin. Its a good solid approach.
Good call Poet, just ignore his questions. You ask him stuff and I am sure he uses the same smoke and mirror games. Detachment BUILDS CURIOSITY, in many ways it CAN bring your spouse closer.
You and Poet have been emotionally beaten senseless by their affair, so now it is hard for you to find the confidence to believe that your years of emotional attachment aren't nagging away at these wayward people, but it is. And when you detach, you force them to wake up and realise you arne't there for them anymore. This CAN draw them out towoards you.
Sorry Buster, but being nice is at this point just sending a message to her that you are a doormat. You are NOT a doormat and its time for that mat to bite back and show her you are hurt and wont' tolerate her crap.
I know she said she wont' have OM there, but she has said that before. Its a smoke screen of lies to keep you from surprising her again. She WANTS you to stay AWAY, so she tells you the house is safe and you don't need to worry about it. Its a game and she's getting a kick out of playing it.
WOW! This guy KNOWS his stuff, Buster. I'm telling you, we BOTH need to listen to his advice. Just today, I told my H (over the cell phone) to have a good day TWICE. I repeated myself, and he caught me. "You already said that," he answered. The first time, he said, "I'll try." I realize now, after reading Mark's last post to you, that I shouldn't have "enabled" him. It only makes him feel less guilty. What GREAT insight, Mark! THANK you.
Mark is hitting the nail on the head. He feels the guilt. Other people have said that to me on these boards, and it's just now sinking in. I've been on these boards since 7/2/08, exactly one month. So, Buster, please, please listen to Mark before it's too late. I've made my sitch so much worse than it was a month ago, by not doing what I was told to do here.
well here's the thing. My parents will not even be in the same zip code they're so pissed at her so it was just her and I. She came to visit son before bed. Didn't say a word to her; anytime she walked near me I walked 20 feet away. I was asked 3 times if I was ok. Didn't respond. She said bye, she got silence, said bye again, got silence and stormed to her car. I'll be getting a nasty text shortly most likely
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Its ok to feel hurt Buster, but realize if you can get a rise out of her the following is going on :
1. She HEARS that you were hurt by her behaviour. 2. She feels guilty 3. She's angry with you for your mistakes, and she's feeling angrier with herself for her response to them. 4. She's tense because she doesnt' know what you are thinking or feeling - NOT KNOWING what is going on with you clearly drives her CRAZY. 5. She's curious as to why you arne't talking to her since you were before. 6. Shes embarassed and humiliated that you wont' interact with her. 7. She hates herself.
Dude, this is a good play here. You want that conscience nagging at her. Remember the article i sent you earlier, she's going to be angry, she's going to threaten you. When she felt you were ok with her behaviour she was ok with it and felt happy with herself. You changed your stance now and she's not dealing wiht that easily.
That's good, you WANT her stressed out, you want her angry, you want her to feel anxious about what she's doing, THAT is going to eat away at her while YOU aren't doing any work.
If she texts you, IGNORE IT.
tell your parents the best way they can help you now is to front her visits for you. THEY aren't to speak with her AT ALL either, only supervise her visit and to escort her to the door when she's done.
YOU stay away from there. Be OUT someplace and leave her wondering where you are..it will PANIC her to no end...again you want that. You want her curious about what you are doing and MISSING YOU. You WANT to draw her TO YOU and giving her the space to do that sometimes does lead them to you.
Again this is always an experiment and we have to see how she handles it. I am not surprised at all that she' stormed off..its classic response.
((Buster)) listen to Mark. You are getting great advice. She stormed out because you didn't engage, that was a great 180.
Did you get a text and ignore it? I hope so. She has you dancing on a string. As hard as it is to detach, its the best thing for you and the sitch. Keep her guessing, keep her on her toes. Its exhausting to be mad all the time and guilt is a very powerful tool.
Stay strong Buster, you can do this. If she is really worth it to you, then you have to do this and follow Mark's advice, he really knows what hes talking about.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
