2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

H came to work on pool. Tried to stay away as much as possible. Offered him a drink and later lunch. Usually he rushes out but he ate. Then mentioned a few stereo items he wants. I was taken aback. Never wanted them before.

Talked to him outside about problems I felt with babysitter. He says he will talk to her, doesn't want to switch people. Knew that.. Said I wanted more stability for the kids, want blocks of days like 3 there 4 here. He basically agreed. Then I said I would want 4 days all the time, but not support. He said no. He wanted to see the kids. I also replied to a comment he made about others helping him with the kids. I said I would want the option to adjust my schedule before we bring others in. He said it would be family not GF.

Had to make a small comment about the hickey on his neck, said it was disgusting or gross, then said I'm not saying anything and after that avoided looking at him. When married he knows I had a thing about that. Other than that it was a non-rushed fairly pain-free visit. I found myself watching him, longing. I tried not to look at him as it was painful. Sigh...still working at it but doubtful. I don't see how he will ever see the light. I just need some positivity...like 2+2=4. Why can't life be that simple????