WOW!!! That was like the 2x4 I needed to hear from someone else that has gone through what I am facing. Dont let this go to your head or anything, but I am so happy you write what you really feel with out sugar-coating things.
In this past year, I have read all sorts of ROMANTIC stories of marriages that have been reconciled. I need to hear more of the FACTS - is how I feel. You certainly gave me a few to think about.
I (amazingly) did get a nice apology from my H this last spring. I should be more happy about that, since many piecers I see dont really ever get one at all.
I am trying really hard to be patient, and so far I have done good in my actions (its my thoughts and fears that make me think I am stupid for taking another stab at this). I think I understand that you are saying it is o.k. to have these fears since he did hurt me so much in our past.
I can relate to so much of what you said. Like the hurricane and rainstrom analogy : its perfect for describing where my H is at also. He is still in his crisis, I can tell in so many ways. I just dont always know how to react to his moods, but I think I am learning how to weather this storm. Unfortunately it means to let so many of my thoughts/feelings to just wash away. I know that he doesnt always mean what he says(when he is in a mood), so I try not to react to it.
What you said about needing "tact" when wanting to speak my mind, is so exactley it. I have a tendency to be a doormat, and I put up with things I dont always agree with just becuase I was raised that way. I am a people pleaser - never wanting to make ripples, ya know? It certainly will be a challenge to learn how to speak my mind effectively enough without pushing him away.
I need to work on my self esteem. I guess this is my big fear is that I will end up resenting him if I dont start to voice my opinions. I just havent figured out how to tell him yet, that I think its not fair and rediculous that he hates everyone from our old life together (all of our friends have been close to us since H.S., and my family) - he avoids all of them. It makes me so torn. I go do things with our past friends alone - a lot, just so that I feel like I am not compromising my life for his desires. But it is no where near as fun as it used to be. And due to his MLC, there is a lot of drama when I do hang out.
What did you mean by "birds" helping you to not go crazy? or is that just an analogy since they fly - (letting go)? I definetly felt like I let him go. He even said so himself when he came back to me that he actually felt like he was the LBS in the long run. He also thanked me for my unconditional love and for giving him the time and space he needed. However, I have heard this all before when He first came back to me after the first bomb. Hense, my fears.
I have so many fears when I give him space that he will go out and find another OW. I have fears that he will never want to live with me again, as he has giving me no such hope. He is talking about moving to a new apartment alone, and buying a camp alone as soon as he gets enough money. I never say anything like " well what about us living together or when". I just listen and validate. But it hurts to think that he doesnt want to create a future with me, and thats how it feels right now. He is still in ME-MODE.
I am so glad to hear that you did say that you do trust your wife again in so many ways. Right now, I obviously dont trust that my H wont do this again. It will take time & some proof before I feel like he is commited to me. Especially because he was just saying to a buddy the other day, that he "really wants a boat cuz thats a sure fire way to get some a$$".
Its like I just feel like I am never enough for my H, like he is always seeking more, and desiring what he doesent have. Because of this, it will take a long time for me to really trust him again. I do really want to trust him, and I am willing to wait, and now I see clearer that I need to speak up more.
Thank you so much Jack! I hope you dont mind me picking your brain. I just feel so all alone sometimes. TIPPER
