I pulled this from Save Your Marriage Central website, the part on anger and threats in particular you should be paying a lot of attention to :
Expect denial and lies. They are universal. I don't think I've ever encountered someone whose spouse admitted to an affair the first time it was mentioned.
Expect extreme anger. I call it the 'mushroom cloud reaction.' This is about addiction at work. It's important to remember that when your spouse is accusing you of being insane, paranoid, controlling, destructive, etc. that they are engaging in an intimidation attempt to get you to back off. The steps of confronting and exposing pose a threat to the continued life of the addiction. Almost any addict will react with extreme defensiveness, anger, and blame. You need to remain strong (and calm!) in the face of this anger. Unlike the deep and real anger that occurs with truly wrongful acts, the anger that you see when an addiction is threatened burns out pretty quickly.
Expect threats. These range from I'm leaving and never coming back, to I'm going to take the children, kick you out of the house and leave you in ruin. Threats regarding children need to be given careful consideration, but I suggest waiting a day or so before panicking and running to an attorney. If violence is threatened or real call 911 and have your spouse removed. It's a sobering event. (And no, that's not "mean" either.) Most of the time, the anger burns off quickly and the threats are never carried out. If your spouse does file for divorce, don't panic! It's not the end of the world, or the marriage, You have plenty of time to respond. Be sure to get good advice on what to ask before hiring an attorney and on marriage saving strategies should you become embroiled in that process. (Your attorney is not trained in keeping marriages together, rely on him or her for legal advice not for marriage friendly advice.) It is optimal if you can get your Coach and your attorney to work together on strategy.
A fairly common threat that seems to be gaining in popularity is the threat that you will be sued for harassment because you contacted the affair partner. A couple of thoughts on that. First – your spouse cannot file a restraining order preventing you from contacting someone else. The person in question needs to petition for such an order and they need to show cause. Second – a letter politely asking someone to remove themselves from your marriage is not harassment. (That's why you put it in writing) Look at it this way– If your neighbor's dog was coming over and ripping up your flower beds, and you sent a polite letter that said, "Your dog has been here tearing apart my flower beds every day for the last week. I really like these flowers, I spend a lot of time working in the beds. Please do what is necessary to keep Rex home," no one in their right mind would call that harassment. This threat is nothing more than an intimidation attempt to force you to stop threatening the addiction.
