so last question on my mind.....once I move in, I act normal and civil ? she might come at me swinging you're saying I surprise her by moving in and being there when she gets home, and when she says "what the cluck are you doing ?" i say "watching tv" or whatever it is i'm doing ?
short answer: yes.
if she come swinging, call the cops.
I know your brain is scattered now, but you CAN do this.
This is tough. So tough. I am only sleeping 4 hours a day, my face has broken out and I'm constantly walking on eggshells with her. Actually being nice to me today and yesterday; apologized for not respecting my feelings and OM wasn't there last night. But that's just one day... It's my only day off (I work 13 straight) and I have my son all day night and morning. The only good thing out of this :-)
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Note : you call the police but you DON'T have her charged, you just have the report made up.
If she hits you, let her. Just stand there and let her hit you, she's angry and her hitting you is a way or releasing some ofthat.
Once she's hit you it may wake her up. Or her hitting you and you taking the hit and calling the police and ending with "I love you"
Show her you love her, but at the same time you show her you won't tolerate her BS.
By taking the hit, she can see you love her and will endure some pain, but by calling the police and having a report drawn up you are showing her you won't tolerate the pain either.
The site of seeing you there with a bloody lip at her hands and the police there questioning her on the event may just wake her up. Having police interrogate you and your husband standing there with a bloody lip is a VERY HARSH DOSE of reality for her, which is what she needs.
If you keep throwing reality at her it will likley have the desired effect.
Michele points out in DR that infidelity rarely ends without some damage first. Often addicts need to do a LOT of destructiion to their lives and the lives of their friends and family before they snap out of their delusional world.
She may just move out. The thing is, this is a reality wake up call. Yes, she may go to OM, but if she does that HE AND SHE get a dose of reality. That is, bills, money, living arrangements, all of that gets thrown at both of them full force.
I can give you a list of half a dozenthings that happened in my home that helped wake my wife up to her affair. When it first started she wouldnt even USE the word affair or infidelity. She just called it a "relationship" and he was "a friend". NOW she's reading books on affairs, how they mess up your head, and she's reading books on infidelity and marriage building. It takes a LOT of damage to wake them up sometimes.
Just think Jesus on the cross. That symbol is very poignant here. He endured immeasurable pain so that others would be freed. That wasnt' just his sacrifice, that was a message to others about what lasting love, meaningful love, true love really is.
She may think she's in love with him, and the OM there may think he's in love with her, but they both are clueless.
Its a tough callhow your wife would react to your moving in. But the thing is it will SHOCK her, and that is what a 180 is for. She's in a stupor from her affair right now. YOU doing SHOCKING things is what will wake her up oftentimes. Particularly if heavy doses of reality and damage is involved.
NOTE : DO NOT TELL her you are planning this. DO this as the most inconvenient TIME. Do this in the middle of the night. Take your camera and have it ready too.
I would also reccomend taking some vacation time from work, say five days worth, to use up right after your move.
This should be PLANNED WELL by you, but don't tell her you are planning it. Its a big move and all variables should be considered. But it is VERY IMPORTANT that she does NOT KNOW you are planning this move.
The other thing I didn't mention yet that you arne't doing is you are communicating with her. You keep reporting that she's saying x, she's saying y, and she's saying z.
Well, she's saying that because YOU are interracting with her.
When she asks "what the cluck are you doing ?" you say NOTHING. You arne't supposed to be conversing, you are supposed to be DETACHING.
Clearly you don't fully understand the concept of detachment if you think you are supposed to respond to anger.
If she yells just IGNORE her. Yelling is just like a child having a tantrum. The best response to a tantrum is NOT answering he rquestions but NOT interacting at ALL. Don't give her the satisfaction of replying to her when she's yelling.
If SHE yells, just act like you didn't hear it. Do you know what the term enablement means? It means when someone is doing something destructive OTHERS can PROMOTE that to continue by participating.
You enable a alcoholic to drink by giving them $$$ to buy liquor. You enable a drug addict the same way. You enable an affair by keeping a couples affair a secret. You enable an affair by supporting the fantasy world it needs to survive.
You enable yelling by replying to it. You enable violence by hitting back (read Ghandi's bio for the skinny on this one)
Don't enable destructive behaviour Buster, it will infuriate the addict, but its for their own damn good. The best thing to do is to withold all feelings and support.
Buster I suggest you go to your library and read some material on psychological addiction.
"Psychological dependency is a dependency of the mind, and leads to psychological withdrawal symptoms (such as cravings, irritability, insomnia, depression, anorexia, etc). Addiction can in theory be derived from any rewarding behaviour, and is believed to be strongly associated with the dopaminergic system of the brain's reward system (as in the case of cocaine and amphetamines). Some claim that it is a habitual means to avoid undesired activity, but typically it is only so to a clinical level in individuals who have emotional, social, or psychological dysfunctions (psychological addiction is defined as such), replacing normal positive stimuli not otherwise attained (see Rat Park)."
I pulled this from Save Your Marriage Central website, the part on anger and threats in particular you should be paying a lot of attention to :
Expect denial and lies. They are universal. I don't think I've ever encountered someone whose spouse admitted to an affair the first time it was mentioned.
Expect extreme anger. I call it the 'mushroom cloud reaction.' This is about addiction at work. It's important to remember that when your spouse is accusing you of being insane, paranoid, controlling, destructive, etc. that they are engaging in an intimidation attempt to get you to back off. The steps of confronting and exposing pose a threat to the continued life of the addiction. Almost any addict will react with extreme defensiveness, anger, and blame. You need to remain strong (and calm!) in the face of this anger. Unlike the deep and real anger that occurs with truly wrongful acts, the anger that you see when an addiction is threatened burns out pretty quickly.
Expect threats. These range from I'm leaving and never coming back, to I'm going to take the children, kick you out of the house and leave you in ruin. Threats regarding children need to be given careful consideration, but I suggest waiting a day or so before panicking and running to an attorney. If violence is threatened or real call 911 and have your spouse removed. It's a sobering event. (And no, that's not "mean" either.) Most of the time, the anger burns off quickly and the threats are never carried out. If your spouse does file for divorce, don't panic! It's not the end of the world, or the marriage, You have plenty of time to respond. Be sure to get good advice on what to ask before hiring an attorney and on marriage saving strategies should you become embroiled in that process. (Your attorney is not trained in keeping marriages together, rely on him or her for legal advice not for marriage friendly advice.) It is optimal if you can get your Coach and your attorney to work together on strategy.
A fairly common threat that seems to be gaining in popularity is the threat that you will be sued for harassment because you contacted the affair partner. A couple of thoughts on that. First – your spouse cannot file a restraining order preventing you from contacting someone else. The person in question needs to petition for such an order and they need to show cause. Second – a letter politely asking someone to remove themselves from your marriage is not harassment. (That's why you put it in writing) Look at it this way– If your neighbor's dog was coming over and ripping up your flower beds, and you sent a polite letter that said, "Your dog has been here tearing apart my flower beds every day for the last week. I really like these flowers, I spend a lot of time working in the beds. Please do what is necessary to keep Rex home," no one in their right mind would call that harassment. This threat is nothing more than an intimidation attempt to force you to stop threatening the addiction.
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well I have 9 days off in 5 weeks. Can't take off til then. She already hit me in the face when I called the cops. Here we still are. No effect on her. Still telling me to find someone else
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Buster take note, most of the myths and disregards she lists your wife has thrown at you...almost all of them in fact...its total BS. Read the article and do what she tels you, you arne't following professional advice, you are letting your wife intimidate you with her BS. If you decide to move in you will deal with it again in full force mostlikley. LEARN from this article and Don't let your wife intimidate you.
But for some reason you are actually listening to her and letting it get to you.
You need to show this article to HER sister, HER parents, your pastor, and anyone else who isnt' supporting you properly.
you're saying I surprise her by moving in and being there when she gets home, and when she says "what the cluck are you doing ?" i say "watching tv" or whatever it is i'm doing ?