Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[Jen_Jam]

Today H and I had our first real in person counseling session(first time seeing each other in 5 days). My DB coach Jody had suggested that this could be an opportunity for me to demonstrate how much I wanted to listen to H. One of his major complaints is that I never listen...So when the counselor asked what I was looking for, I said that it was to understand H's point of view as this was something that in the past I hadn't really given him the opportunity to share. I also followed Jody's advice and said that I understood the separation was necessary, and that it was a great opportunity for me. I sat, without crying (though I turned bright red) while he talked about how he felt empty inside, didn't know what his feelings were anymore, really needed his space, doesn't know what outcome he wants etc. I even said that I understood why he felt the way he did, and that I was really sorry for contributing to this. The counselor pushed me a bit on my own feelings, but I kept it as light as possible, and just said that I knew there were problems that needed to be solved, and that I hoped if things worked out we could have a "new marriage".

I told the counselor that I didn't want to only dredge up the past, but wanted to look for ways to improve our communication going forward. While I will be away from work for a couple of months, Counselor said seeing each other every 2 weeks might be too often, so I even said "yes I agree, maybe every 4 weeks". I can't say that H seemed softened in any way, but at a couple of points he looked a little relieved. I did maybe make a couple of errors in saying that obviously my end goal was still to save the marriage, but in saying this I said that I saw no deadline (I always have deadlines so this was hard) and that I was willing to give it the time it needed.

After the session, we went our separate ways, BUT he gave me a hug that seemed genuine and lingered. He called me by my pet name, and we are going to lunch tomorrow. I am meeting him at the house, and he even made a joke about how all of the ladies will be out of there by the time I arrive. This is the kind of lightweight joking that we used to have, and I told him the ladies better be out as they would feel inadequate after seeing how hot I am :).

All in all, I don't think it could have gone too much better (except the obvious hope that H would have said he was making a big mistake :)).

I've pasted here the post you put on your C session thread so more people will see it. It's best to stick to one thread at a time on the boards, if they are dotted about then people can lose track.

OK, to continue ....

The C session - what you said was spot on! Well done, especially about not wanting to drdge up the past but look to the future instead. I agree here, I feel it's important to look at the past but only with the aim of seeing what mistakes were made, then you can decide how you will do things better in the future. Certainly looking to the past to give explainations as to why you are in a M crisis is a bit daft. Did you go to Relate? I went there and felt they had the attitude "well, if your H isn't happy you have to let him go and maybe yes you shuold get D". If you don't feel this C is helping then don't carry on, but having said that sometimes the first C session can be the C gathering information, and the subsequent ones are better. Give it a few more goes and see what you think.

Facebook - set yourself a goal to not check. Please stop checking because this could interfere with your PMA and with the growth of your PMA which is going to be happening very soon if it hasn't yet started!

On the control thing - good work. Yes someties you're going to have to ask him things, as they will impact on plans you have FOR YOURSELF. This is different, you're not trying to control him, you're trying to organise your OWN life. This way, if he pipes up that he feels controlled you can state that you are sorry he feels like that but all you are trying to do is organise your own life, as you have people to see, things to get to, you are quite busy etc etc (also demonstrates to him that he is NOT the centre of your life at the moment). WAS's who need space can start to think the world revolves around them, they can make assumptions about the LBS based on the latter's usual behaviour, but right now you're SHOWING him that you've changed. Eventually he'll accept that. One day he may well change and you might just find it takes YOU a long time to accept he's changed, and you'll appreciate the viewpoint he has now.

Lunch - you have it right. Light topics, if he wants to talk about the C session then let him, keep your answers about i vague. Keep him guessing. I think you'll be fine.

"dead inside" - this stopped me in my tracks. I have heard from my H either that phrase or very similar. When he left to go and live in his mate's flat, his words were something like "I have no enjoyment of anything in life right now. Even football, which I usually love, I just don't feel any excitement for". I was deeply worried that he was medically depressed. i urged him to see his doctor (which he didn't, wish I'd kept my mouth shut) but it was really hard to see him like that. Of course there was the fact he wanted to leave me, but also I was scared cos he didn't look or act like himslef, and I was worried for him. He looked like some kind of pale, washed out robot. he certainly wasn't the H I knew.

ITS, keep at it. I see a lot of positives here, but I must re-iterate the warning that this will not move half as quickly as you want. You need patience by the bucketload! Then when you've used all your buckets up, order in truckloads. That's no exageration!!!