Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Back here at another low point (note, however, that it has been several days since my last post and this is not my state of mind most of the time.)

I'm feeling sad and lonely tonight and have been crying, which I don't do very much anymore. H came to pick up the girls for the next three nights and it felt awful. I kept my composure (as I always do), but I could barely look him in the eye. He looked tanned and handsome and that made it all worse. He said "enjoy your weekend" to me as he left and that made it worse still. I feel so rejected and left out and like I have no effect on him at all--and I never will again. He seems to be able to rise above it all and wish me well, completely without longing for me.

Then I watched some TV and was remembering all the TV shows H&I enjoyed together over the years and how fun and comforting and perfect it was to sit together on the sofa and watch certain shows that we both enjoyed. Again, I felt sick with sadness and loneliness and that awful broken-heartedness. When and how did H become so immune to me and my charms? What did I do that made him so angry and so completely convinced he had to leave? How could he have told me so many times how much he loved me and then look at me coldly and say IDLYA??

There's this feeling, too, that after 19 years together, we never really said goodbye. We had the months of weirdness, when he refused to touch me or go out alone with me, and then he got an apt and left a few days after we told the girls. There was no long, teary hug or dramatic farewell--just months of hurt and then he was gone. I keep feeling like I'm waiting for him to say or do something to formally recognize the end of our R. I know it won't happen--H seems afraid of me and only wants to interact on a business-like level--but he always made such a fuss over me on birthdays and anniversaries and Xmas, that I feel like I deserve something--a huge, heartfelt apology, I don't know. Something that would give me a sense of closure.

Does he miss me at ALL? Does he feel any guilt, regret, remorse, shame, anything about how he's treated me? He seems so indifferent, so much like he's getting on with his life and hasn't looked back for one minute. I feel so alone, so alienated from this person who I was joined at the hip with for so long. It kills sometimes. The other day, I was with friends and I jokingly referred to him as my "late husband," because that's how it feels--like he's completely dead.

Yesterday I went out with friends to a concert in the park and there was a single man in the group who was my age. It wasn't a fix-up, but I found myself so
UNattracted to this guy and that made me feel hopeless about ever finding another love because I will always compare men to H. He wasn't perfect, and in the end he treated me badly--but he was still the smartest, funniest--and for most of the time, the kindest--person I've ever known. I miss him.