Ok so I am on my way to seeing that the calmer more centered I stay the better it is. The more he feels a connection with me. I also have learned that a lot less talk a ton more action is what he wants.
A little less talk a lot more action ~ Toby Keith comes to mind. I am not a huge country fan ,,, music all around ,, just country sings seems to fit so much more at this time. My H actually used to love this song... go figure.
I feel like this will be a new chapter in our lives.... tis will be his test for me to see if I am who he thinks and he can rely on me and I can be his safe place to land. If he only knew? I think he does he is just scared like 5 said.... he needs to get thru this hurt and then he will be better. I am excited actually to have some time to show him I can take care of him and he can trust me completely. I am also at the same time fairly nervous that he will pick fights and pick some more to get his frustation out.
he used to love to run... and he has a Boxing /punching Bag~ I am going to have to gently tell him that if he feels like he needs an outlet that these to "forgotten" things would help.
I have always wanted him to go and lift weights with me and he hates gyms so we never went. I love the way I feel when I am done working out it feels good. You feel proud that you did something just for you and your body!
But thats me .. and he is not me. I myself have not gone for a long time... it would be fun to do together. I just want to be supportive and help him ,,, cause I dont want this to turn into an excuse to drink heavily again. Again I wont ram it down his throat or say hey you cant drink at this time ,,, but I am going to keep a close eye on him.
I have actually waited a long time to feel like this... yesterday he did express his frustration and said I know for sure I love the kids... and to be honest this pissed me off and at the same time all I could do is listen.
He never said I LOVE YOU TOO FOR SURE... WTF? I know he loves me but I would have liked to hear it... I am sure like I said before he is just scared that I somehow will let him down... if he only knew that I would live with him/love him and be at his side regarless.
$ doesnt mean anything to me. Oh sure I have great taste and love the finer things in life. But I grew up w/o and I am not focused on Materila goods... I love him. Like you said NTE~ in time this will reveal itself to him.. but he also has to have his eyes wide open and his heart open to the possibilty too......
It has always been a fight against what his Mother did to him.... she was very verbally abusive to him and just plain mean and the minute he started making $ he was suddenly her favorite son.
I too had to get thru my FOO garbage... so I know this may take time... but I am going to be here for him.
I have to be honest .. I am listening to some Salsa music right now and as much as he is hurting and confused I am getting ready to dance... I think if he can get thru this and he has time to heal. he can be an even better man in the future than he is now. More secure and more centered and happier.
and if God would perform a MIRACLE on them and they would genuinely love my H and want him to be happy then maybe they could see him again and he would accept them again?
It used like he was holding his breath and everything he did was for them and they just kept taking more and more. He was never living or enjoying anything... it broke my heart. and I asked for nothing so as not to burden him further. I spent my Birthday alone for over 6 years??? while he was in Mexico at Christmas time.... so not only my birthday Dec.28~ , Dec. 25~ and New Years too.... I used to cry a puddle of tears and then I just accepted that this was what he wanted this year finally and that is when everything seemed to change. I dunno if it helped or not?
I let go fully....
Anyway... I feel mixed emotions for sure. I am pretty confident that together we can get thru this.... and at the same time I am afraid it may turn into a rollercoaster of emotions again for him like 2 years ago.....
Thanks for listening and thanks guys for your input , I really do appreciate your words and they are all taken to heart and used in my life.
I feel more hopeful than anything... we will see.. time to dance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
