Buster, moving back in was never to force her or trap her into being with you. Its for you to take a stand against her having the OM around your son. You can't force anyone to be with you and this shouldn't be about trying to do that. Its about trying to save a marriage by standing up for yourself and doing what you can FOR you and being the best option.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Thank you everyone. I won't be coming on here whining anymore, asking what to do. I know my wife; no one here does. The way to get her to realize she loves me isn't to throw the cuffs on her
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Everyone else here is lucky enough to have their spouse keep coming back or not sure what they want. You all have time. My wife was already gone. No chaining her down
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
OK Buster, we are gonna say this once and only once more.
1. You say you have tried being cold? You say you have tried detaching? [censored]. You detach and watch her like a hawk agonizing over every eyeblink she makes. That is NOT detaching.
2. You moving into that house isn't to get you closer to her. You moving in there is to shake up HER LIFE a bit and to give you some CONFIDENCE. Have you ever thought that if SHE had to leave becuase you moved in the following might happen :
a. She might move in with OM, learn that he's not a fantasy anymore and is actually a lazy pig who never cleans his home, etc.
b. She might go to OM and whine and play the victim and expect him to provide everything for her, and HE might decide that HE doens't want her if HE has to pay for her support. YOU are paying for her right now, and HE gets to enjoy it. CHANGE that by moving in. Of course she will move out. It SHAKES the situation up...it MIGHT produce a positive change LONG TERM.
c. YOU will likely get confidence knowing YOU have taken YOUR HOME back. YOU will know YOUR HOME is safe from getting violated by the OM. All this crap she is doing is affecting your JUDGEMENT and MOOD. Moving in will HEAL that and give you some strength to FIGHT longer. INFIDELITY BEATS up the betrayed spouse. You have to fight back and avoid being a doormat or you will get depressed and just give in and let her throw you around.
3. HIRE a BABYSITTER for NIGHTS at YOUR HOME. AS SandS SAID - REMOVE ALL THE DAMN DOORS. MAKE your HOME once you move in UNINVITING FOR HER TO STAY THERE. The object is to FORCE some REALITY ON HER. You are FEEDING her FANTASY by letting her live in your home with OM. CUT OFF THE fantasy and the AFFAIR VERY OFTEN ENDS or at least becomes less rampant.
4. THIS phase of the infidelty involves forcing some REALITY on your spouse. she WONT LIKE THAT. But it DOES put a SERIOUS DENT in the AFFAIR. She ends up seeing OM more, realizing he's NOT some movie star. Right now you are helping her to continue this silly fantasy with no end in site. You NEED to end the fantasy here. YOU CAN do that. She won't like it, she will end up disliking BOTH of you. Which is better than the situation is now.
5. My GUESS is that YOU being MISERABLE and falling apart is NOT allealing to her..so you are already annoying her. You need to realise that BEFORE SHE COMES BACK she is GOING to have to get REALLY MAD at you...its an unavoidable stage of this mess. We have all been through it. We changed locks, packed our spouses things, told all her friends, her workplace, everyone about what she's doing and humiliated her to people etc. It all is part of the process.
Right now the OW does NOT see any damage done. Most OFTEN DAMAGE is what wakes them up.
Want toknow what got MY WIFE to end her affair? I got FIRED. SHE WAS PISSED, but she ended her affair becuase she knew it had alot to do with it.
YOU are working and supporting her drug habit. Take back your home, let her get mad, let her move out, and cut off the damn support.
You CAN HIRE someone to watch your son overnight, you dont HAVE to hand him over to a cheating wife who has no maturity. NO COURT would award her custody with her behaviour.
If your lawyer keeps telling you its hopeless, get another lawyer.
I couldn't have said it better. Just so you know, not everyone's spouse comes back. I am days away from Divorce, still hoping for a miracle but being realistic. I had to control my life and quit letting his affair and actions affect me. The kids are with me and for the record they choose to be with me.
I still have bad days but they are not as bad as they once were. I haven't done everything right but I know that "I can't" attitude isn't going to get you or your son anywhere. Let's start working on what you can do. This isn't about her right now. It is about YOU.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Divorcebusting does NOT mean being a doormat. It means establishing civil behaviour in an uncivil time. Establishing new temporary boundaries, rules of play, etc until something changes.
Sometimes doing something will be good for the two of you but it will really piss her off in the short term. Do you think my wife was happy I confronted her about her affair? No she was angry. Do you think my wife was happy when i installed sw on her PC to track everything she typed so I had PROOF she was cheating? No She was furious.
Do you think it helped? YES!!! It trashed her fantasy. She had to deal with the change. SECRETS are AROUSING. So is the forbidden.
You told your wife not to use your house as her playground. Guess where she found it most exciting to meet the OM? Your house.
Loving your spouse somtimes means ripping the bottle out of her hands. Sometimes loving your spouse means NOT supporting her addictive habits. Sometimes loving your wife means loving YOURSELF enough NOT to let her USE YOU.
All of these loving acts are LONG TERM investments. She will be angry in the short term, but in the long term it stirs things up.
Don't PURSUE her, and DO be civil where you can, but you don't have to tolerate being used if it means you enabling her affair.
I am not saying she will be happy, and I am not saying it will necessarily help your marraige. But right now the OM is taking a sledgehammer to it and you moving in may just change things in a way that ends up with HIM tossing her out or HER waking up to his childishness.
A LOT of crap happens when couples get close in a practical context. Particularly with the stress sof a child. You are sparing her that by letting her live in your home so she just visits him when she feels like it or he visits her.
My vote is for you to move back in and show her that you arne't a door mat. She will likley be angry, but this will also VERY LIKELY SHAKE UP the AFFAIR that is going on.
You are forcing reality onto her and THAT forces the FANTASY of the AFFAIR OUT.
If you want to keep letting her sit around and dream and cheat you can, but what you are doing isn't helping.
You will see your son less, or you may see him more. If SHE has to come up with other living arrangements that child may just start to look inconvenient.
Its a tough call, but I say move in, turn the house upside down so she wont' want to use it anymore.
The advantage of hte house was she had memories of you and her there, she's taking OM there to REPLACE those. Get her and him out of there and force them to deal with reality.
And I find it hard to believe you cant find anyone who would be willing to live in your home rent free and support you by harassing your wife if she lives there. Again rent FREE.
Buster, it sounds to me like you are doing 180's, and detaching... and moving on. You might find that now is when some of the best DBing will happen. I think that you are in a good place, and ready to start healing, good for you. Regardless of what happens with your M, you are heading in the right direction, and you arent doing anything wrong, she is making the bad choices, and she is the one who is going to have to deal with the consequences.
Good luck.
Last edited by bluerain; 08/02/0802:45 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
so last question on my mind.....once I move in, I act normal and civil ? she might come at me swinging you're saying I surprise her by moving in and being there when she gets home, and when she says "what the cluck are you doing ?" i say "watching tv" or whatever it is i'm doing ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
you're saying I surprise her by moving in and being there when she gets home, and when she says "what the cluck are you doing ?" i say "watching tv" or whatever it is i'm doing ?