Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Good work sitting down With H and telling him what bothered you... That is where all the trouble starts when people DON'T do that. Allot of problems are not what people say but what they don't say. Sometimes one word could mean so many different things. During one of our Dialogues I used the word "Were" in describing how I could depend on wife... I said “...bla bla and what attracted you to me was that you were stable and I could depend on you." Though there must have been 100 words in the letter the one that stuck out in wife’s mind was the word "were" she asked "does that mean that you can't anymore?" This was not what I meant. And I then explained it to her. If she had not brought it up. She would have totally misunderstood my message. It’s all about Communication......
DrLOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
The trip sounds awesome. Hearing you talk about the hike to the lake, I had to go look up my 6-year-old vacation photos online. Was that wonderful little lake called Dream Lake or Emerald Lake, by any chance?
We *did* do that hike--the one that starts at Bear Lake and proceeds on to three other lakes--but that's not the one I was talking about. At least with that one there are the lakes to stop and rest at and some flat parts. No, the one I'm talking about is Gem Lake. It's outside of the park on the other side of Estes. It's truly an amazing hike, but it kicked my boo-tay! LOL
Excellent! You have brought back some terrific memories for me - thanks!
Originally Posted By: SD
Just wondering...do you ever snoop anymore? Anyone else? I also wonder what someone might find and assume about me if they snooped...I'm trying to assume good will.
Didn't think it was fair to dodge The Tough Question just because of a Convenient Thread Locking!
OK, I will admit, every very great once and a while, and I mean maybe every 2 or 3 months at this point, the temptation to peek at W's cell phone gets me, or she'll leave her email open and I'll take a quick glance through the sender/subject lines. I've never found anything suspicious, and I always feel guilty afterwards - more like I let myself down than anything else, really. But I'm only human - shake it off and get back on The High Road To PMA And Personal Growth, right?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Quick one - I agree with Rob. I have a quick snoop every few months. I haven't ever found anything to be suspicious of, and to be honest I remind myself that snooping is only seeing a small bit of the story. If I snoop, I'm not in possesion of the full facts and I don't know what my H was thinking/feeling at the time. I try to take everyone at face value right now.
And - before I go out on the razz, the low points in your holipops sound just like the kind of thing me and my H went through for a bit ... mis-understandings needing clearing up, me focussing on signs that he was reverting back to the alien, a few low days. it's all normal. Don't panic!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Ok not to be the stick in the mud but I have not "snooped" in over a year. No I am not sticking my head in the sand.... It is just that like JJ said "snooping is only seeing a small bit of the story" and rob “and I always feel guilty afterwards” Don't get me wrong DO NOT Beat yourself for doing it. IT'S OK. just leave the past behind and move forward. At this very fragile turning point in my marriage I do not want any Mis-understandings to cause me to start looking at the negatives again instead of concentrating on the positives. When I am ready I will ask my W how she feels about me looking at the phone log. Hopefully we will be at a point that TRUST has been regained. If I were to look now and found 1 call. It may have been my W telling the A.H.O.M to get lost for the last time. But As soon as I saw that number I know the doubts would return and I would loose all of the confidence in working through this. I mean hey if she is still calling him, Me looking will not make it undone. It will not make her stop. I can look anytime so why now when things seem to be going in the right direction. And besides what if my wife was just starting to trust ME. What if this was the turning point for her and she found out I was checking up on her? I would need to start all over building trust in me. Looking is my get out of "jail" card, I can use it anytime, but once I do it's gone...
Ok sorry for the soap box speech you can now return to your regular broadcast........
Dr LOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Wow. I was just going to say that maybe snooping is something that you need to do every once in a while for reassurance, but then I read this:
Quote:
At this very fragile turning point in my marriage I do not want any Mis-understandings to cause me to start looking at the negatives again instead of concentrating on the positives. When I am ready I will ask my W how she feels about me looking at the phone log. Hopefully we will be at a point that TRUST has been regained. If I were to look now and found 1 call. It may have been my W telling the A.H.O.M to get lost for the last time. But As soon as I saw that number I know the doubts would return and I would loose all of the confidence in working through this. I mean hey if she is still calling him, Me looking will not make it undone. It will not make her stop. I can look anytime so why now when things seem to be going in the right direction. And besides what if my wife was just starting to trust ME. What if this was the turning point for her and she found out I was checking up on her? I would need to start all over building trust in me.
He's right. I'm wrong.
I read something about radical honesty once--I think it was in "Surviving the Affair"--and I wonder if that's something you and your H might apply in your situation. The basic idea is that he is 100% open and honest--shows you his cell history, email, etc., whenever you ask, and you have all the passwords in case you want to check on your own. The idea is that once you are confident in his honesty, you don't need to check those things anymore. It sounds like sanctioned snooping, doesn't it? I don't know if anyone has used this and written about it here, but it's another idea that may work for some couples.
OK, I will admit, every very great once and a while, and I mean maybe every 2 or 3 months at this point, the temptation to peek at W's cell phone gets me, or she'll leave her email open and I'll take a quick glance through the sender/subject lines.
Originally Posted By: Jen-Jam
] I have a quick snoop every few months.
Originally Posted By: amd
It sounds like sanctioned snooping, doesn't it? I don't know if anyone has used this and written about it here, but it's another idea that may work for some couples.
uh... ??????????????????????????
Life after.................... FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Yes, FIB. Life after is not the fairy tale, ride into the sunset I (we?) all thought it would be if we could just get to this point. We spend so much time and energy DBing and in crisis mode that, when the crisis is over, we're left dealing with our own feelings about what's happened. The trust that was just smashed.
I know that snooping isn't productive, and in the end, it not only hurts me, it hurts our intimacy. I know this, yet I do it. I do it knowing full well that it doesn't change or prevent anything.
Why?
One of the big things that happens as a result of these bombs is that our peace and trust are shattered. I think most of us knew the M wasn't that great...I mean, I know I thought about leaving more than once. I also had my own issues to work on that probably wouldn't have been worked on unless a bomb like this happened. And I AM grateful for that aspect of it.
But...well, I didn't bomb, I didn't leave, I wasn't writing love letters to LW and I stayed in the game even though I was pretty miserable myself.
Before this happened, I would have told everyone (and I probably told a lot of people) that my H wasn't the type to even THINK about cheating. But he did...in every sense but following through. He really felt something for this woman, and for me that feels worse than a physical attraction or even sex.
I don't have that blind faith in H anymore. I believe it could happen again. I'm doing my best, but, after all, I *am* human, right?
You guys have "known" me for a long time now (two-plus years!), so you know my actions, thoughts, feelings as accurately as anyone is able to report. I just keep wondering how to really get over this, and I come up empty.
Do I think LW is a threat anymore? Not really...there's still that 1% worry since she's practically the next Buddha (sarcasm there)...but it's more that feeling of betrayal that just clings to me.
Mostly I wonder, If I am not a very good girl and act the way my H thinks I should act, will it happen again? I'm not talking about bad behavior here, folks, I'm talking about who I am. I am direct, I tend toward shyness with people I don't know, I truly do love quiet time by myself to read or make art or just veg, with the right people I can tell some of the dirtiest jokes you've ever heard, I'm not overly ambitious or money-chasing...I am a teacher because I love to do it and really have no intention of pushing past there, I am smart, I am opinionated, I am kind...I am a real human being who, through DBing, found MYSELF and love for MYSELF. I worry that I have to soften some of those aspects of who I am to fit into someone else's mold or idea of what's acceptable. And I just can't do it.
So, I worry that it'll happen again, and I never all that comfortable in the R. Some days and weeks are wonderful, and others are just...disconnected.
Not sure how to go about feeling differently about all this...more than anything, I'd like to trust my H again. As good as he is, as hard as he's working, I just don't.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Trust is more important than love is in a relationship. That is just a fact. And once violated, trust is difficult to get back and it always takes time to find.
A lot of time.
You are doing all you can. Be proud and trust your feelings.
Use your feelings to guide your future. If anything, what we have been through has put us in touch with our inner selves - and our own demons.
SD...I agree with Jeff. In many ways, I have come to learn that trust is more important than 'love' as we mature in our M's. Once that foundation is cracked, I don't think anyone will ever truly feel safe anymore.
Certainly, there are many people who can work this out and use it to grow...but....we are all human with tender parts. I think, like losing a loved one, you never really forget...you just learn how to live with the loss.
I am a bit jaded right now...as you know....but, being a 'scientist', I tend to look at numbers and try to come up with answers. I'm sure Jeff understands this being an engineer. It is not easy now, for me, to avoid all those horrible cliche's about cheaters. I'm trying to move on, but then again, my W didn't make a try for it as your H has. This is something you must look at from your heart. There are basic questions that one should always ask oneself. As a doc, I now realize that I will always need to be in touch with my next R...a surveillance checkup. PLEASE...don't infer that I am saying do something against that which you've fought hard to save, but, you should always be happy. I think when the scale begins to slip from that...to....insecurity...well...perhaps at that time, re-evaluation is necessary.
Looks like you just came off of a great trip. Process it and enjoy those moments. A New Earth says that true happiness comes from 'being in life at the moment'.
Be in the moment.
Hugs. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
