Another one joins the flock (Part II)

[Mike85]

mishka:

I've noticed the disturbing attitude in both of the medical-esque professionals with whom my son deals that "hey, this happens to about half of all families, it's normal, so make the best of it!" His pediatrician even tried describing it as a POSITIVE thing, telling my son and I about how he could look forward to TWO bedrooms, TWO sets of gifts for each event, etc. The pediatrician... is divorced.

I understand that the pediatrician was/is trying to minimize my son's pain and anxiety. I understand that he was trying to use his own experience to put a positive spin on things. I understand that the C is trying to do the same, and that in his profession, he sees a lot of marriages in crisis, and that this may have made him a bit cavalier in his conversations with me. BUT I've decided that enough is enough. I don't want my son being given the message that families splitting up is "normal," "acceptable," or "good." I don't want my son's C giving -or even implying- the message that his dad is some sort of Don Quixote tilting at windmills. I'm going to remind C which of us is the paying customer and which of us is the hired gun. If he persists in his condescending attitude, he's fired. I will not allow an employee to undermine my efforts. Period.

Wife's coming by this morning to grab the kids for the day, and I'm going to work in my classroom for a few hours. Productivity time...

[new_attitude]

I think you are right about looking for another counselor for your son. Does this c talk to your wife also? Could she be blaming you for s' opinion on OM?

You have great in-laws and they are lucky to have you around.

[Mike85]

Just had a *really* uncomfortable talk with wife.

She came to pick up the kids and said she needed to talk to me quickly about "nothing that's a big deal." We went upstairs and she casually said that she wanted to take the kids on the week-long camping trip we had scheduled a year ago with another family. OM would be taking my spot. That would mean that I wouldn't see my kids all week.

I had told her three weeks ago that I wasn't going to permit her to have the kids on my three custody days (T-Th). I don't know why she thought I'd change my mind. She tried arguing that oldest son had been looking forward to this trip for a year, and I countered that with the fact that he still thought that it was going to include *me*.

She was visibly pissed off. Civil, but pissed off.

At my last session with our C, C told me that to this point, wife had been in control and calling all the shots. She asked when and where I would stand my ground instead of acquiescing.

Well, this was it.

I *could* have argued that the whole "replacing daddy with [OM]" would send a confusing and morally inappropriate message to our kids and the kids of our friends, but I chose not to argue that route. Instead, I again pointed out that it would be unfair to me and my sons to have us forfeit my three custody days and that the original invitation a year ago was extended to our family (which included me, not OM) and that our sons still thought that I'd be going. Since wife's current modification of the plan involved a) excluding me and b) having me forfeit my three custody days, I am choosing to not go along with it. I also pointed out how I'd turned down invitations from friends and family to take kids to their out-of-state homes when they were scheduled for HER custody dates, so I expected reciprocity.

I said that I understood that she was disappointed and probably angry, but that I wasn't going to change my mind on this. She kept staring at me (probably to see if I'd waver), then said, 'Well, I guess that's it." She grabbed the kids, bantering in a friendly way with me in front of them... but when departure time came, no hug or kiss.

Like I said, she was pissed.

Just to make sure my bases were covered, I called my friend Dave (the extender of the original camping invite) to give him a head's up on my decision and wife's resulting mood. Dave knew weeks ago that I was opposed to wife & OM taking the kids, had assumed that now just wife & OM were going, and was shocked that she would try to sweet-talk me into changing my mind. I reiterated my decision, made it clear that I had *not* changed my mind, and told him of the dire legal consequences for all involved should wife & OM try to sneak out of state with the kids anyway. He appreciated the head's up.

I realized that at some point uncomfortable issues like this would crop up and that I would have to make a decision/stand that W might dislike, but I refuse to just let her and OM have their way on everything just to be amicable. To this point, she HAS called all the shots. At least the issue in which I chose to make my stand was one that is important. And I think I did it in a non-judgmental, non-confrontational way. Hopefully, she'll understand my decision, even if she doesn't like it.

na:
No, wife hasn't talked to son's C. C expressed his opinion on where son's negative attitude came based, even in his own statements, from his prior experience with OTHER folks. He came right out and described kids as being clueless blank slates, who form negative opinions on OP almost solely on LBS's words.

[mishka422]

I personally think you did the right thing Mike. It's bad enough that OM has such a prominent place in their lives and they are having to see the interaction with your W. That has to be so confusing for them. They don't need to be taken on a "family" vacation that includes her adultery partner. This would all be quite different if you were D'd.

Sick, selfish, pitiful.......

[Mike85]

mishka:

Thanks for the support. Both my C and my son's C supported my stand three weeks ago for the very reasons you stated. My C pointed out, however, that I was going to have to find a different way to present my decision's reasons to W, as she is in this fantasy world in which OM is family. Hence my arguing from the custody angle.

W has made, and continued to make selfish and strange decisions.

She claimed that she wanted to be with someone who was in shape, active, had an active social life, spent more time with her and the kids, didn't "need" her...

... and chose an OM who is 5'8", about 190 lbs., is completely out of shape, not active, by her own admission sits around in front of the big-screen TV and eats all the time, is at work so much that she only sees him on weekends, doesn't really dig the kids, and is a very needy Type A personality.

... OTOH, I'm 6'4", 190 lbs., am now in the best shape of my life (thanks to all the exercise equipment she bought during the early stages of her MLC), am constantly doing stuff with the kids, am going to parties, seeing bands, and reconnecting with old friends, have learned how to run the household (shopping, bills, housecleaning, yardwork/maintenance).

She is currently with someone who is the opposite of what she says she wanted.

I've improved and become - originally for her, but now for me, the kids, and my new life- the person she *said* she wanted.

Toss in her new smoking habit, poor eating, etc., and I just pity her sometimes. I told C that there are times I'm not sure I even *like* who W has become. C reminded me that W is, in a way, "sick" and that I need to think of it that way... not to excuse her actions, but to understand them better and make it easier to forgive. And C reminded me that, in a way, W is responsible for the transformations in me, so I should always be grateful to her for that, regardless of the outcome of our R.

My C is a wise woman.

[mishka422]

Your C is awesome Mike! Glad you found her!

Your W and my H seem to have both picked up the same nasty habit. What is it with that? Does OM smoke?

[Mike85]

mishka: Yes, OM and his buddies smoke.

Criminy. W called me b/c she overheard oldest son say to his friend that friend's parents and W "weren't friends." W got p.o.'d, called me and asked if he got that from me. He didn't. I also explained that what son said didn't make any sense, since W & OM went boating with son's friends last week, had dinner together, etc.

W then said that oldest son was disappointed that he wasn't going camping. Then she said that oldest son's friend was also disappointed. Obviously, she was trying to sway me. I stood firm.

She asked me to talk to son re wife being friends with son's parents and about my reasons for vetoing the camping trip.

Good enough. Then... things took an ugly turn.

Somehow, she started lecturing me on how I need to be more flexible with scheduling. I countered by saying that I would be, in time, but this is fresh for me and still difficult. I pointed out that the concept of wife and OM taking my kids on a family outing was painful for me. She argued that OM told her that he didn't want to be a father figure to the kids and besides, the camping trip wasn't just families. I countered by mentioning that BOTH son's counselor and our own counselor agree that taking the kids on the trip sends a confusing message and should not occur and that a 9-year-old and 3-year-old aren't sophisticated enough to grasp that OM doesn't desire to be a "father figure"...if they end up doing daddy-things with him (fishing, camping).

W snapped. Stuff came up from earlier this month, where she now claims that I was lying about my friend's phone conversation (in which he outed my wife's A to me). I defended myself using logic. Bad move. She was in no frame of mind to listen. Apparently, she confronted my friend and he backpedalled. BIG time. Then I got mad and stupidly said that I was not about to sign off on wife and OM happily committing adultery on a camping trip and bringing the kids for fun, with me being alone for a week as a bonus. I apologized and said I should have phrased that line better. Didn't apologize for the gist, however. She then revealed that she knew about how I looked into what to do if she and OM skedaddled with kids to camp w/o my permission and considered it a "lack of faith." My turn to snap. I pointed out that she was the one cheating and who lied about it to me and our counselor and therefore she was hardly in any position to talk about faith or trust.

To her credit, W realized that we were each beginning to twist each other's words out of anger and defensiveness and got us back on topic. I agreed to talk to son. We also discussed the importance of trying to maintain our friendship, telling each other the truth, and not letting third parties interfere (unless they're the professionals we're paying to do so). By the end of the conversation, we seemed to be on track and friendly again. We'll see if I get a hug or kiss tonight.

Maddone! (Italian for "oy vey!)

[Mike85]

W dropped off kids. OM was in car.

W came in house, said goodbye to kids, then gave me big hug and kiss. I apologized, and so did she. Another hug and kiss.

This is hard, but doable.

[Mike85]

Spent day at the zoo with the kids. Took cute camera phone pics of the kids and sent 'em to W, who lives for that stuff. Local zoo is small, but has cool stuff.

I've decided that it's literally impossible to watch meerkats play and stay in a bad mood of any kind. My kids and I were laughing so hard we were crying.

Last pic I sent W was of 3-yr-old passed in carseat out with plush toy I'd bought him (a snake), next to passed-out 9-yr-old (w/plush meerkat toy).

All in all, a danged fine day.

[Mike85]

GAAAAAAAH!!!

W asked me to drop the kids off at her place, since she accidentally left her purse (with her car keys) at the marina on the other side of the lake.

I was anxious about going to her new place for the first time.

I get there, and who's in the freaking front yard but the OM, shirtless and sweaty, pumping up an inflatable boat toy. Great. Getting that view of him, I just don't get my wife's attraction to him. He's obese. Not chubby, not "love handled," but obese.

Kids run to W, jump all over her and gab her ear off. I grab the kids' travel bag out of the car and OM tries to get chatty with me. When he asks "Hey, Mike, how's it been going?," with his hand out for me to shake, I replied "Same old, same old" and walked past him with the bag. Is he out of his freaking tree?!?

W and I chitchat for a bit, the kids give me big hugs and kisses, and wife tells me to have a great weekend. I tell her to do the same and somehow manage to smile and sound cheerful. She didn't give me the usual hug & kiss, but I attribute that to OM being about ten feet away and me being on "his" turf.

Leaving W and OM's place, I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I know, I know, they're still in that honeymoon phase (it's been less than two months since W moved out), OM's admitted disdain for kids will take its toll, I just need to be patient and keep up with the DB stuff, but DANGIT that experience just sucked.

I'm going out with some fraternity brothers tonight and have a few. Play some euchre. Hanging with the boys always gets my mind off stuff.