I think your sitch sounds so positive. Have you thought about maybe going out to dinner with your H and talking about everything you've put in your last paragraph? To be open and honest without placing blame on either of you.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jen - I'm actually hoping to have some kind of R talk with him this coming week. My D leaves Monday for a week long rafting trip and that will gives us some quality time for talking. I haven't had the energy the last few weeks and I didn't want to rock the boat too much because if things went to south, I didn't want him to cancel on her for her games. She really counts on him going. (Moreso than me) Not to say we haven't had bits & pieces of R talks, just more generalized and not specific.
I just went back and read through my posts and realized I left out something important. My H and I are now officially D'd after last week. He kept telling me he was going to call his L to have it put on hold, but he waited too long. However, he still calls me his wife and still refers to himself as my H. I have just ignored this fact for the time being. But like you said, we need to have a serious talk and soon. I really need to think out what I want to say and how I want to say.
I completely understand where you are coming from with wanting to tell your H to take a flying leap. Although my H is not quite as receptive, I am in the same boat. I am not sure what I want to do, I still love him, but am not sure I could ever trust him again.
I am glad S21 is going to rehab, and will pray that it works.
Question: have you told H about how you feel? Really just sat down to have a heart to heart?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I told him how I felt a couple months ago.(May maybe?) It isn't something we've talked about recently.
I am not into the whole "visiting" thing. As much as I love seeing him, I hatehim coming to visit. I work at a college, in a dept where I deal w/tons of people all day. At the end of the day, I want to relax and not be "on". When he's here, I feel like I have to entertain him. I did talk about that w/him a few weeks ago and he said that was silly that I could go about my business even if he was here. Yeah right, like sticking my nose in a book after we eat is really going to cut it.
I hate talking about our life a year from now, I want to figure out our path to get there together now, not just assume that I'm going to live by myself for a year and then just magically move away with him and be able to live together again.
I did ask him about a month ago if he would be willing to go back to our C's w/me. He said he wasn't against it, but felt it was a waste of money since we were figuring out how to communicate, and were able to start talking about the hard stuff without melt downs etc. He's right to a point, we are figuring out how to talk about the deep crap, EXCEPT for how I am really feeling about him and our R at the moment. I think I am going to ask him to go to at least 2 sessions with me because I need someone to help us with this I think. My anger isn't fleeting like it used to be. I see him coming around to wanting this R and our family again and it's ticking me off. I think having someone else help us through this, or more specifically me, might be a good thing.
First things first. We need to have that sit down, honest talk about both of our intentions and direction. D17 leaves at noon on Monday, that evening or the next might be the time to do it.
I think you are on the right track. I think that is the toughest part, sometimes, by the time they DO come around, we have just had enough. It is exhausting, and I don't think they realize the emotional toll they have put on us in the process. I think seeing the C is good, because it gives a disinterested third party a chance to see how things are going.
(((Amy)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Soooo...so much for waiting for D to leave on her trip yesterday to have "the talk".
I am not even sure where to begin. I am too long winded as it is. We ended up talking on Friday night. NOT brought up by me, but by him. It was bad dbing on my end, but felt good to get a lot of crap off my chest.
H worked late, so instead of a matinee we ended up going to dinner. We had a good time, great conversation. We decided to go home and then go for a walk since it was actually pretty nice out. (meaning the wind wasn't blowing)
As we started out H brings up how now that softball is over, he'd like me to start helping with the mortgage. Inside I instantly saw red. My H walked away with 2 bills, the house pymt & a cc w/a low balance. He makes very good money to boot.
I on the other hand make 1/3 of what he does. I am paying all the utilities, cell phones (his too), car insurance (his car), car pymt, health insurance (he's covered) & a cc. (low balance) I also make 1/3 of what he makes. I pointed all of this out to him, in a very cold voice. I was trying really hard to hold back the tears. When I get angry, the tears flow. I hate this about me, but its what happens. He proceeds to tell me that its not just the house, but what he really means is he'd like to see us putting money aside. At this juncture of the conversation, I couldn't even tell you all that was said, but he seemed to feel better when we were done. I didn't. I was seething inside. I made a comment about how I hadn't wanted to have this conversation with him until later this week after D left and he agreed but haven't I noticed that these convos seem to take place when they are needed the most and we can't control when they happen? I disagreed with him and said I have purposely avoided continuing convos that were going to be deep R topics because I wanted to wait. His reply was Oh.
We kept walking and I just boiled over. I told him that I loved him with all my heart and hated him with every fiber of my being. I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to fully trust him again. I know it went up and down hill from there, I really don't remember much more of what was said while we were walking, he did keep putting his arm around me and pulling me close. I really let loose with both barrels on him and he took it and validated it.
When we got home, it was getting dark and we sat on the front porch to continue talking. I finally asked him point blank what it was we were doing. He asked for clarification (other than sitting on the porch) I said you and me...moving forward, hanging in limbo what? He said he's really been thinking about coming home, but he wants to wait to see what happens with S21. That floored me and ticked me off. I basically said, so my life with you is on hold, because you think I would let him come home when he gets out? The S who hasn't lived at home in 3 yrs, since before we moved into this house? Seriously?? I haven't let him live with us since his last go around with drugs. I could count on one hand how many times he's even spent the night in our home; 2 for a holiday and 1 when the hospital asked me to keep him overnight last spring because they wouldn't have a bed for him until the morning. Even that was done as a last resort.
He admitted that maybe his thinking was clear here, and he really needs to think about it more. He does want to be home, he is enjoying being here with D and I and does hate to leave when he does. He does miss us when he's not here. I don't remember now how the convo ended, it did end on a good note. I did feel like a got a lot of things off my chest that I've held in for the last 4 months.
He spent the rest of the weekend with us. He did go back to his Uncle's Sunday night, but only because he needed clothes and D & I were getting her ready for her trip. I was actually glad he went home. I felt like I needed a breather.
He was at the house when I got home yesterday, spent the night, was going to work from our house this morning because the power was to be out for 1/2 hr at his uncles today. Had forgot his wireless router so left. Sent me an IM that he'd ordered the rest of the bark for the yard, would I please help him with that after work if he promised to have dinner ready at 5 when I got home. He is planning on staying tonight too.
A few weeks ago, I was actually looking forward to this week with D gone and us having time to ourselves. I wasn't counting on me feeling so unsettled about everything. He has been very attentive, saying ILY, using pet names that he hasn't used in months, being very affectionate, really being his normal self. The person I fell in love with. My problem is, I know there is a Mr. Hyde in there and it scares the hell out of me. I did mention that to him this weekend, and he "knows" this winter will be better, it won't be the same. Well, I don't believe he knows that either because he's said that the last few winters and it hasn't changed. So pardon a girl for being nervous.
He is leaving Saturday to go up to his dad's house for a week. That should give me the space I need, I hope.
Wow. Would you like one olive in your martini or two?
That is a lot to absorb. I don't blame you for being nervous.
Maybe you should take the week that he is gone to let it all sink in, and figure out how you feel, and what you want. Don't do anything, or worry about making any decisions until you have had time to mull it over in your own head, on your own time.
(((Amy)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
You know, I don't know. I suspect about ten hours or so
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
