Softball went great. D's team took 4th in Nationals. She played extremely well. Games were fun, had time for other fun stuff to mix it up a bit, weather was perferct, so all in all great weekend.
H went with us. He had a good time to. The way the games were scheduled in the bracket(we were wiining) we had 2 games a day and they were spread apart just right. Fri my FIL came down for the day to watch D play. She was in heaven (his name is Ted, and she calls him her "Teddy Bear" instead of grandpa) He's not in the best health, has serious back problems, so it was a really big deal that he came. Made everyone happy.
We were in wine country, so Sat in between games H & I went to a wine tasting at a grand opening, that was fun. Bought a few bottles to take home w/us. That night we tried out a chain restaurant that we'd heard a lot about. Very good. One of the county fairs was happening right next to our hotel and the admission was free, so we took a walk over there after dinner. It was a strange fair, but it was fun and we all had a good time walking dinner off.
All weekend H made references to us in the future, different things like when we were moving, where, a piece of property we want to buy, what months in MX, etc. Kept referring to himself as Dad or Daddy to D. (he is her sdad, but they have a real father/daughter bond) That last is not something he has ever done to her face, just to me and with friends. It was all surreal.
Anyway, this is the first weekend in 6 weeks I've not had to leave. It feels good to be lazy.
H came over Wed, mowed, weedeated, fertizlized etc. We bbq'd, good conversation. A small bit of R talk on his part, or I should say attempt at it. I wasn't in the mood for it and have actually been avoiding it the last couple of weeks w/him.
We were both on opposite end of couch, relaxing w/a glass of wine, talking. He said he didn't like me sitting over there why didn't I scoot on over. So we were snuggling and still talking and out of the blue he said "You know, the last few weeks I think I've finally relaxed, I am completely destressed. How about you? You must be feeling that way too?" I validated him then told him no I didn't feel the same. I am frustrated with where we're at right now. I need more communication than I am really getting. There are day to day things to discuss & when he calls at night, he's sleepy & just wants to say goodnight and its frustrating. Or somethign to that effect. He did validate how I was feeling. I moved on from that subject to something completely unrelated.
H was supposed to go on a bike ride this weekend up in Astoria w/a friend. They booked and paid for the trip back in April. This friend is also going thru a D. H started to feel like this friend might be flaking on him because he wasn't returning calls or email. (friend did flake) That got us talking about friends in general. We have a couple that we've been extremely close with and they have started turning into flaky can't count on friends the last couple months. H made a comment about how he didn't know anyone that he could count on except for me or family. Turns out, he's never had friends he could count on to be there 100%. I didn't say anything about him being able to count on me. Let that one go to. My H will make comments like that, then he will think about it hard, even though you think he's forgotten. I figured that was a good one for him to think about.
So, I get to work yesterday and he's emailed me already, then he IM'd me. First thing he said:
H:I'm thinking about you this morning. M:That's really sweet. H: It is. H:I'm thinking about how I can count on you and that I wish we were going on that ride this weekend. We'de have so much fun. M: :):)
Then H starts talking about what D's plans are for the weekend. Then asks if I have plans and do I want to make plans with him. Now because I've been gone so much this summer, I made NO plans this weekend. Last thing I wanted to do. Just said my plans were mopping floors and weeding flower beds. He thought that sounded like fun and he'd like to help.
This morning he calls about 9:30. Says: This is your entertainment director calling with activities for your enjoyment. Guess we're going to a matinee today (can't go later because D has a dinner/movie date and would die if we were there). Sounds nice.
Ok, so now for my frustration with all of this. I know I should be thrilled that my H still loves me, still wants me, is planning stuff for us etc. I am. However there is a part of me that wants to tell him to take a flying leap. I am still deeply hurt with how he handled our separation and divorce stuff. He's done the D thing to me twice in 1 yr now. I keep wondering how/if I will ever trust him. My H suffers from SAD to the extreme. This time of year life is always great for us. I told him last year that I couldn't go through another winter like we had, guess what? We did. He left and took mot of ourbelongings with him. I don't want to go through this crap once a year. I don't want to constantly feel like I am to blame, kids are to blame, etc. I refuse to walk on eggshells around him. I am scared he'll want to come just as winter is getting here and everything will turn to crap. I am just as scared that he will stick by his guns and not move home until our house sells. I am very good at living alone, too good. I am starting to feel the effects of his being gone and know that if something doesn't change soon, I'm going to like my own space too much to start sharing again. I think I could go on and on here. Bottom line, I love my H, but I don't trust him with my heart anymore and not sure how to get around that.
Amy
P.S. S21 was extremely lucky and only ended up with 30 days jail, 2 yrs probation, mandatory rehab and small restitution. (not sure what that's about since my dad wasn't out any money, but who knows what he told the court system)
