Hi Lola - Weekend was great. I live on the coast and it is freezing here this summer. (heater kicked in Friday am if that tells you anything) So it was nice to be in the valley where it was warm. Softball was ok. We didn't place (state tourney), 2 college coaches who were there to look at my daughter got to witness her worst game play EVER. That was nice. They are coming back to Nationals in 2 weeks to watch so keep your fingers crossed. She's a 4.0 and has a very high SAT score, so we're hoping for a good package.
Took today off. Cleaning house, trying to make it look ok for pictures. RE Agent is coming tomorrow to take pics. We signed papers to list the house last Thursday. H will be here in about an hour or 2 to help with the garage. Not sure why, he cleaned it out already.
He came over yesterday evening after we got home to visit. Decided to go to blockbuster to rent a movie, while walking around, he mentions, while not looking at me, that he really missed DD adn I this weekend. I made a little joke out of it and he hugged me close with one arm, still never looking at me.
He's still in some fog. He did stand up for my daughter last night to my dad. My dad and I have a pretty strained relationship right now. Anyway, he was in town and called wanted us to *meet* someone. New GF. We had to go outside because they had her grandbaby in the car asleep. My dad doesn't have the best boundaries when teasing. My daughter is 17. There are just some things its not ok to tease her about and he doesn't get it. He started teasing her about something, I dont' remember what, but she hid behind my H and buried her face in his shoulder and H laughed with a no response to that, then my dad proceeds to tease her about her eyebrows (she plucks), Tim told him in a polite way that was enough and she was beautiful as is. My dad laughed but not in a good way, but it shut him up and got them to leave. THANK GOD. I thanked H later and he seemed appreciative of that. He definitely likes to feel like he is the head of the house.
Amy...I think most men do!!! But I am glad he stuck up for your daugher, that is fab!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I need to give a disclaimer to this post upfront. This post is for me to vent, to unleash hurt, anger, disappointment. It may come across a little irrational, but I need to let this out and this is the safest place for me to do that.
I mentioned in a previous post about S21 being addicted to meth, having him in rehab etc. When in rehab, during one of our sessions the C told H and I that the relapse rate for his addiction was almost guaranteed. They tried to prepare us for it etc. We've had a vigilant/wary/not-so-trusting eye for that reason.
Anyway, H and I suspected something was up with him just before the holidays even though rest of fam & friends thought otherwise. We'd planned a 3 week trip to PV for Xmas with D17. (help H with SAD issues), youngest son had moved home temporarily. We decided we didn't feel comfortable leaving the house alone for that long with the uneasy feelings we were getting in regards to other son. Didn't want to put him in position of being brother's keeper etc. Ask my dad if he would mind staying at our house while we're gone. (he was going to keep our dog at his house anyway) Dad thinks this is a great idea. His gf lives in town (dad lives 45 min out in boonies) this will save on gas, and S19 will spend xmas with him.
Before we leave we lay down ground rules for the boys. S19 is now an adult, doesn't need to be babysat etc. If S21 comes by at anytime, he is not to be left alone in the house,nor is he to go in any rooms by himself. Dad agrees to all of this. Turns out he ignores ALL of our requests.
S19 comes home and finds S21 in house by himself on computer. Grandpa had gone to store. S19 takes shower, gets out, doesn't see brother anywhere, then hears something in garage. Finds brother going through our car. Boots him out of the house. Confronts grandpa who said it didn't matter what I said, it was fine.
Early next a.m. S21 *breaks* into the house and takes grandpa's car and supposedly $60. Grandpa calls police, they find car 2 blocks away with S21 within 15 min of him leaving our house. No cash, minute amt of drugs and parphernalia. They arrest him and let him out the next day. They drop the case.
Now I say supposedly to all of this because my dad has actually given false reports to the police in regards to this son in the past because he thinks this is the way to get him help. There were a lot of things that just did not add up to my dad's story about all of this. (way too many to list and my H feels the same way, not just a mother's heart here)
We didn't have any contact with S21 until end of March, about 3 days before H left me. Ran into him on the street. I let him know we loved him, if he wanted to get help he knew how to get a hold of us, but until he was clean we couldn't be around him. He was really high that night.
Unbeknownst to any of us all this time my dad was pressuring the DA's office to file charges against S21.
S21 was arrested that same night for a drug charge and released the next day. He came to see me and asked me to help him get help. We were able to get him into the hospital for immediate care, they could keep him for a few days, the psychiatrist would help find a rehab to take him. Sometime between the time he was released and the 3rd day in the hospital, the DA gave in to my dad and filed charges. Dr. couldn't find a rehab to take him. S21 disappeared from hospital and managed to stay out of trouble and out of anyone's sight until the end of June. He came out from wherever he was hiding, cop saw him, arrested him.
Fast track to today. Today was his hearing. He was found guilty and will be sentenced on Wed. He is looking at 20 yrs based on the charges my dad pressed. I didn't go. Though my dad tried to have my daughter called as a witness because he said she was a victim. How the he** he came up with that I don't know. She was out of the country with us! AND it's MY house! Afterwards my dad called S22 and S19 to tell them what happened, they both said he was gloating and happy. They both hung up on him.
I KNOW my son was wrong. What he did was illegal. But I am still very angry with my dad. He needs help, but not this kind of help. I would think that his grandfather would want him to get better, not ruin his life even more. My dad was made whole, he told the police he had more money than what they found on my son, (all a lie, and he told H & I that) even though the amt he had on him was the real amt taken. Nothing wrong with the car. (this is the irrational part of my vent) I don't get it. I would think with his grandson WANTING help (and that's the only way at this point, is he has to WANT it) you'd think he'd have some compassion. But nope, his way is the right way, my way is wrong. And what ticks me off even more is his calling the other 2 boys to gloat!!!!! I told D17 not to answer her phone if grandpa called and if he emailed her to forward it to me to read first. (she will, she's irritated with him too)
I haven't seen my son since the end of March after I took him to the hospital. He sent me a letter last week telling me he was sorry, he had been trying to do good, but it was hard. He told me to tell everyone he loved them, and to especially tell grandpa he loved him. I've detached myself from this situation for so long now, that until this afternoon, I've been numb over everything, even his letter didn't get to me. The anger at my dad, and all his crap that I've tolerated over the years, (my other siblings were smarter) has just come pouring out of me tonight. If it weren't for my children, I wouldn't have had a relationship with my dad after becoming an adult. When they were younger he was a good grandpa and I wanted them to have that since I didn't.
My H and I had a long talk about this son a few nights ago. I had kept the letter to myself and I finally told him about it. The talk was good. He told me how much he loved him, he isn't angry with him for anything he's done to us, he's disappointed in the road he's travelling and seeing his bright future slip further and further away. He told me he wanted to go with me to the jail to visit him which surprised me. I haven't made up my mind yet that I will do that. Yet another area where honest communication opened my eyes to how he really felt, which wasn't at all what I had been thinking.
I have no words, just an ear, a shoulder, and a huge hug. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I am beyond belief of what your father is doing to his own grandchild. Hopefully the judge will not be too hard on the sentencing.
I suspect that this tragedy is bringing you and your H closer together.
Stay strong.
BTW... The last time I stayed in Bandon in the summer, it was cold and windy. I did like the sea food buffet at the restaurant in Charleston and Shore Acres is gorgeous. I need to spend some more time in your neck of Oregon as the fishing in the lakes (Siltcoos, Tahkenitch and Ten Mile) is pretty darn good.
Thank you Lola & Kerry. I am doing much better today. Getting that out of my system last night helped mucho. Still a little sad, but able to function onward & upward.
I am not sure if its bringinng us closer, but we are able to share more openly how we both feel, which is a good thing. H has been gone since Sun to a family thing with his mom and doesn't know what happened yet. He has spotty cell so has only called 1x, which is fine, I didn't want nor need to talk to him last night. When he comes home I'll be in a better mindframe to talk.
Kerry - not much has changed w/weather. It's been AWFUL this summer. The wind has been blowing non-stop it seems. I've spent everyweekend since the middle of June in Portland. That has helped my attitude quite a bit. Well, this past w/e was in Eugene. It is very beautiful here, I just missing having summer. Hopefully by this time next yr we will be either living in Portland or on our way.
We'll be in your neck of the woods thur-sun for Nationals (softball). Do you know if there is a batting cage anywhere near Cornell road in Hillsboro?
I have heard the nicest place (weather wise) to live on the Oregon coast is in Brookings. The worst is in Tillamook county which gets the most rain.
I knock the covers off the baseballs at the batting cages across 217 from Washington Square. I think there is this place in Hillsboro near Tualatin Valley Hwy, but I have never tried it...
I've heard the same thing. I'm ready to be back in civilization though and come to the coast to visit.
Thank you for that address too! D17 wants to hit some balls while we're up there and I figured there had to be something in Hillsboro since it's named the #1 sports complex area or some such thing. (having a blonde moment) She's playing in Newberg, no hotel avail., found 2 rooms on hotwire for cheapo, one in Tigard and the other beav/hills, took the latter for the pool. Her first game on Thur isn't until 8:15 at night! That will be fun under the lights.
Now everyone *cross fingers* that she does well for the recruiters watching.
Softball went great. D's team took 4th in Nationals. She played extremely well. Games were fun, had time for other fun stuff to mix it up a bit, weather was perferct, so all in all great weekend.
H went with us. He had a good time to. The way the games were scheduled in the bracket(we were wiining) we had 2 games a day and they were spread apart just right. Fri my FIL came down for the day to watch D play. She was in heaven (his name is Ted, and she calls him her "Teddy Bear" instead of grandpa) He's not in the best health, has serious back problems, so it was a really big deal that he came. Made everyone happy.
We were in wine country, so Sat in between games H & I went to a wine tasting at a grand opening, that was fun. Bought a few bottles to take home w/us. That night we tried out a chain restaurant that we'd heard a lot about. Very good. One of the county fairs was happening right next to our hotel and the admission was free, so we took a walk over there after dinner. It was a strange fair, but it was fun and we all had a good time walking dinner off.
All weekend H made references to us in the future, different things like when we were moving, where, a piece of property we want to buy, what months in MX, etc. Kept referring to himself as Dad or Daddy to D. (he is her sdad, but they have a real father/daughter bond) That last is not something he has ever done to her face, just to me and with friends. It was all surreal.
Anyway, this is the first weekend in 6 weeks I've not had to leave. It feels good to be lazy.
H came over Wed, mowed, weedeated, fertizlized etc. We bbq'd, good conversation. A small bit of R talk on his part, or I should say attempt at it. I wasn't in the mood for it and have actually been avoiding it the last couple of weeks w/him.
We were both on opposite end of couch, relaxing w/a glass of wine, talking. He said he didn't like me sitting over there why didn't I scoot on over. So we were snuggling and still talking and out of the blue he said "You know, the last few weeks I think I've finally relaxed, I am completely destressed. How about you? You must be feeling that way too?" I validated him then told him no I didn't feel the same. I am frustrated with where we're at right now. I need more communication than I am really getting. There are day to day things to discuss & when he calls at night, he's sleepy & just wants to say goodnight and its frustrating. Or somethign to that effect. He did validate how I was feeling. I moved on from that subject to something completely unrelated.
H was supposed to go on a bike ride this weekend up in Astoria w/a friend. They booked and paid for the trip back in April. This friend is also going thru a D. H started to feel like this friend might be flaking on him because he wasn't returning calls or email. (friend did flake) That got us talking about friends in general. We have a couple that we've been extremely close with and they have started turning into flaky can't count on friends the last couple months. H made a comment about how he didn't know anyone that he could count on except for me or family. Turns out, he's never had friends he could count on to be there 100%. I didn't say anything about him being able to count on me. Let that one go to. My H will make comments like that, then he will think about it hard, even though you think he's forgotten. I figured that was a good one for him to think about.
So, I get to work yesterday and he's emailed me already, then he IM'd me. First thing he said:
H:I'm thinking about you this morning. M:That's really sweet. H: It is. H:I'm thinking about how I can count on you and that I wish we were going on that ride this weekend. We'de have so much fun. M: :):)
Then H starts talking about what D's plans are for the weekend. Then asks if I have plans and do I want to make plans with him. Now because I've been gone so much this summer, I made NO plans this weekend. Last thing I wanted to do. Just said my plans were mopping floors and weeding flower beds. He thought that sounded like fun and he'd like to help.
This morning he calls about 9:30. Says: This is your entertainment director calling with activities for your enjoyment. Guess we're going to a matinee today (can't go later because D has a dinner/movie date and would die if we were there). Sounds nice.
Ok, so now for my frustration with all of this. I know I should be thrilled that my H still loves me, still wants me, is planning stuff for us etc. I am. However there is a part of me that wants to tell him to take a flying leap. I am still deeply hurt with how he handled our separation and divorce stuff. He's done the D thing to me twice in 1 yr now. I keep wondering how/if I will ever trust him. My H suffers from SAD to the extreme. This time of year life is always great for us. I told him last year that I couldn't go through another winter like we had, guess what? We did. He left and took mot of ourbelongings with him. I don't want to go through this crap once a year. I don't want to constantly feel like I am to blame, kids are to blame, etc. I refuse to walk on eggshells around him. I am scared he'll want to come just as winter is getting here and everything will turn to crap. I am just as scared that he will stick by his guns and not move home until our house sells. I am very good at living alone, too good. I am starting to feel the effects of his being gone and know that if something doesn't change soon, I'm going to like my own space too much to start sharing again. I think I could go on and on here. Bottom line, I love my H, but I don't trust him with my heart anymore and not sure how to get around that.
Amy
P.S. S21 was extremely lucky and only ended up with 30 days jail, 2 yrs probation, mandatory rehab and small restitution. (not sure what that's about since my dad wasn't out any money, but who knows what he told the court system)
They are coming back to Nationals in 2 weeks to watch so keep your fingers crossed. She's a 4.0 and has a very high SAT score, so we're hoping for a good package. 
