I know we're all afraid of losing our Ms, but what scares you specifically about losing yours, 7?
I think losing someone I love so very much. I've lost many to death (my Dad in a car accident when I was 22) , my Mom to mental illness, my whole Dad's side of the family when bad blood happened after his death.
I love and adore my H. I truly thought HE would be my life partner. He would forever be with me. That he would love me unconditionally. And now I see that is not true. That all my hopes and dreams for us, our girls, our family are falling apart. I know I can go on without him. I just don't want to. He's my best friend. And I love his family. It's huge and crazy, and wonderful. They are MY family. And while they are sweet and tell me they will always be my family (my inlaws have said this) the fact is, is it isn't the same.
I want it all. My family, my future, our past, my friend, my lover, my partner.
I'm so sorry that you've lost those people so close to you, 7. I don't know what it would be like to lose my parents, especially the way it happened with your mom.
You made a new family with H, his family adopted you, and now you feel you face losing that. That must be so painful.
I understand why you would think it wouldn't be the same, and it might not. But because of your kids, you will continue to have a relationship with them, no matter what. You just might have to work harder at maintaining closeness, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.
I know the feeling of wanting it all. I wanted it all so badly that I drove my husband away--he felt like he couldn't provide it for me.
And that's, I guess, the point that I've been trying to come to: wanting something so badly, sometimes pushes it further away from you. It's like you become driven that things should be a certain way, and it ends up becoming controlling, demanding, and resentful that things aren't as you want them to be.
Our situations are similar, I think, in that we both had the trappings of a perfect life, but inside the facade, things were not as they seemed. You had a terrible couple of years and said you were depressed and took those things out on your H.
I think this is really important: Do you think that your H may be afraid that he will lose YOU, like you lost your mother, to mental illness? Do you think your depression and stress scare him that that will happen? Could he have gotten the impression that HE was the cause of your depression?
If any of those are possible, it circles back to what I mentioned to you before: the more upset and fearful you are, the more he is going to run to try to save you from it. The more you are afraid of losing him, the more you are going to be angry and resent him for running, which shows up as you being upset. And round and round it goes.
Can you imagine a life without him, where he's still the father of your children, and you are still involved with his family, but you are happy and healthy and have moved on? I think if you can get to the point where you can, you might stop being so afraid of losing him, feel strong, and he might stop running from you.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
