That period of time was not good for him, and I am to blame for that. In MY hurt and MY pain, I could NOT be the father that I needed to be for him.
Bill,
I agree with most of your post..... We do NEED to take the hand we were dealt.... and do the best we can with it... We did NOT choose this path...... Our spouses did....
I disagree with what I quoted above.... You are way too hard on yourself... You needed to deal with this life changing event.... You had emotions.... That is 100% fine to show your son.... You were dealing with it... Allow yourself to be human in front of your children at times.... It is VERY humbling to be seen in these moments... As a hurting person... Not a big macho man... But, that is what a REAL MAN is.... I think we as fathers are not modeling proper male behavior for our sons if we act macho 100% of the time....
Sometimes, the situation dictates we take care of ourselves before we are able to help others..... That is just the way it is...
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Phoenyx, I will simply say I am sorry to hear about your mom..... I know that was tough to go through and I hope you are doing ok. It is never a good thing to watch your parent pass on and I know how much you loved her.
thanks man, i appreciate that
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
divorce is great for kids. just ask mine whome are probably pretty close to seeing their mom go through another one and just saw their dad watch his mom die over two months with no companionship or emotional support at all. not crying about it, just stating the facts. as much as i'd hate to agree with "big brother" up in here, news flash: divorce sucks for your children. unless there are extreme circumstances, the fact is they don't get over it. and that can be looked up in studies. they can be happy, yes. and life isn't hopeless for them, it's not all doom and gloom. but call a spade a spade, it isn't good for children. wake up, quit sugar coating crap. it's getting old. sure we were left behind, but we need to make up to our children for our part in that divorce. the first step in that is to recognize that this is more than just "not an ideal situation". it's good to find the positives in your life, we all have to. and i know that my kids will be fine. i had a wonderful woman that they both loved, who unfortunately wasn't over her own issues and it didn't work out. however, even if it would have, would my two boys have been better off than if xw and i never gotten a D? no
This is exactly my point.
EVEN WHEN WE HAVE NO OTHER OPTION, EVEN WHEN DIVORCE IS THE LESSER OF THE TWO EVILS.....THE KIDS SUFFER.
And you said it BEST:
"don't sugar coat it"
and that's what I felt....was being done.
That said.....like many situations.....we have a bias when we write, we have a bias when we read. And when I read the post that sparked MY post......that's what I read...........when I THINK THE POINT of that post.........was to give the topic owner hope and healing.
To which I think MY POST made that first person feel like I was ripping out that intention.
Yet....I THINK .... we've done a good job of eventually getting to the point of what is in our hearts......Wanting good relationships, wanting good families, wanting the best for our kids........and struggling to get there the best way we can.
*****
Bill is right though....the point of THIS thread is to help each other find ways to learn from each other, make the best of it....
find as many SOLUTIONS as we can.
Which.....true to your collective nature...
you are doing an AMAZING JOB of.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/01/0803:56 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I don't know what other posts everyone is talking about
having a blonde moment
i can honestly say that my boys are better off after my divorces
we won't count the 1st one because of all the physical abuse
(but let me say they did love still seeing him for the small amount of time they did but me being dead wouldn't have felt all that great for them)
I can't be a good parent when I am held down and demeaned I can't be a good role model when I am constantly making excuses for someone else's behavior I can't be a good listener when my ear is always tuned to hear whatever it might be that my husband wanted from me
When I began tis journey, I wanted my husband back. Without question. Whatever it took.
I went to counseling Got my kids involved in counseling
and
in the process, found myself you see after my 1st abusive marriage, I lost me
i was in surviving mode which most likely wasn't fair to anyone that I was in a relationship with
I didn't take enough time to heal and instead looked for someone to save me
this was a big mistake the largest
and
i brought my kids into it
they loved my new husband and they were in surviving mode too as long as he didn't try to kill me we were all good
unfortunately, he wasn't good for very long
and
even though I thought I was going opposite, I was really attracted to what I knew, situations I was comfortable in.
did you know it takes an average of 6 times of leaving before a battered spouse leaves for good
thats a lot of times
people get tired of hearing the same stories
and
when things atarted happening again, I was ashamed that i let myself fall into that again, that I borught the hardys with me, that I couldn't seem to get out and then I started to believe I must deserve it. I became small and I kept getting smaller until the me that I was meant to be was only a whisper every other thursday.
when he left and I went to counseling where the 1st month all I did was sob, i started to figure some stuff out
and
i started coming back
and
because of the divorce: I am me, really really me, lights and darks i like who I am i am more confident i am stronger i am healthier i laugh out loud i smile i find blessings everyday i have ambitions and dreams i play i discipline fairly and justly i find joy in my boys we play in the rain and swim and read together and cry
my boys have a parent they can depend on that they know will protect them that they know does their best that they know makes mistakes and owns them instead of running from them that they can look up to that is a role model that surrounds themselves with positive people that has faith that is strong that bends but doesn't break
my eleven year old son hugs me and kisses me (in front of his friends) he brags about how cool his mom his he tells his friends he can't do things and then he really doesn't do them behind my back he is proud of the person I have chosen to be with he adores him and treats him with respect he isn't afraid of messing up and making everyone leave he doesn't bang his head on the walls or pull his hair anymore while saying he wishes he wasn't here
my 10 year old (ack with the double digits) has the tenderest heart every makes friends with everyone champions the underdog ALWAYS trusts without hestitation hugs his brother in public, without prompting is fair
Figgy, when I was reading your post and what you went through I was and how the (so called) men in your life were treating you I was but then I read about the woman you are becoming and how you are raising fine little men, I was !!!!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
and how the (so called) men in your life were treating you I was 
but then I read about the woman you are becoming and how you are raising fine little men, I was 
!!!!
