Hello all. Last night the kids and I were over at my daughter's best friend's house for her friend's "Cast away" party. Catherine broke her arm riding her bicycle a month or so back and just got her cast off.
My W and Catherine's mom Elizabeth got together last summer for a girls night out and W proceeded to pour out her frustrations. I had an interesting discussion with Elizabeth. She advised me to treat my wife like she had her head cut off I should be pleasant and upbeat, but, otherwise tell her nothing about my life and what I'm doing that it would only provide ammunition for her. I noted that this is very nearly the same strategy as DB/DR.
She also noted that everyone who knows of our situation is surprised that W can walk away from the kids the way that she has. She was commending me for being there with the kids. When I expressed some surprise at that, her comment was that it is less normal for the Dad to be focused on the kids than the Mom and that none of the Moms that she knows could do what my W is doing and walk away from the kids in this way. Elizabeth remembered from her conversation with W that it seemed as if W felt like motherhood was thrust upon her and that she didn't really choose it. So, now there are two women inhabiting my W. The one enjoys being a Mom and wants the white picket fence world and the other is still a 23 year old party girl and wants that unhindered life.
Another insight that I had recently was that my FIL is an alcoholic with a gambling problem who took the family into bankruptcy twice before my MIL divorced him and had multiple affairs. At the risk of playing amateur shrink, it makes a certain sense now why W is continually finding hard drinking men to have as friends, they are like Dad. Given some of these behaviors, I'm really not sure how likely a reconciliation is, but, I'm not going to stop until February.
It's hard sometimes to think that I can do everything right and things may still not work out in the way I want them to because I can't control both sides of the equation. In either case, I'm starting to see in myself that I'm becoming more attuned to my responsibilities as a Dad to the kids without seeing it all through W's eyes and perceptions. I'm starting to act instead of react to her.
I don't know, it's all been revelatory to me.
Was supposed to go out with a friend tonight, but, he had to cancel. Somehow, I will make the best of it
I should be pleasant and upbeat, but, otherwise tell her nothing about my life and what I'm doing that it would only provide ammunition for her. I noted that this is very nearly the same strategy as DB/DR.