I've started to educate myself on depression. I've found lots of little tests you can give yourself (I meet the definition of "moderately" clinically depressed myself, if the tests are to be believed). What I haven't found yet is if there is a distintion made between depression brought on by specific circumstances (e.g., death of a loved one, marriage in trouble, etc) and depression brought on by chemical imbalance. It appears that both types are treated medically. My own depression (I have a hard time thinking of myself as "clinically") would be of the 1st type, but maybe my W's is more of the 2nd type.
LL is right, though. I need to be able to approach her about this without being accusing, and without making it seem like I'm trying to excuse myself - blaming all of our problems on her mental state.
I do realize that I need to depersonalize this. It's hard, though. She feels a void in her life and the OG was seemingly able to fill it, at least temporarily.
BUT... I arrived home Thursday evening. As we were making dinner, my W said, "I want to show you what I've been looking at on the internet today. You're going to be surprised". So, after dinner, we went to the computer together, and she showed me that she had been looking at adoption sites.
A little background: After S7 and S6 were born, we thought about having one more, to maybe get a girl. She has a daughter and son from her 1st marriage, but, given my druthers, I'd have liked to have a girl of my own. Ultimately, for many reasons, we decided not to. But every once in awhile, I would mention something about it, and we'd again briefly discuss it and decide against it. In the last few years, we hadn't discussed it again, and I thought the matter was closed.
My W told me that she feels this void in her life could be filled by adopting a child, perhaps a 2 or 3 year old girl. I was a little stunned, but a little excited, not just because of the idea of having a little girl, but also because of what it means - obviously, adopting would mean a real commitment to the family, to staying together. It also means that my W is possibly recognizing that she is not so much in love with the OG, as much as she simply needs to have this significant void in her life filled.
We spent several hour looking online at photos of varioius children and gathering information. I want to go slowly on this. I'm not at all sure that this is what we should do, and it certainly wouldn't be fair to adopt a child if our M is still shaky.
The next morning (the anniversery of our 1st date and engagement) we took the kids to school and went out to a nice breakfast and continued to talk about the adoption thing. After doing some shopping, we went home, and took a "nap" Later, we went to see Matchstick Men and then went out to a great Italian place for dinner. There was a long wait so we spent an hour in the bar. My W started talking about how she would like to finish her degree (she's an RN now, but she's about a year and a half away from her BS Nursing degree), and possibly even go on for a Nurse Practitioners degree. After that, she said, "well, I either need to adopt, get my degree, or leave you". It was a joke, and we both laughed, but there's a grain of truth there. She's feeling this void, and needs to find a satisfying way to fill it.
She also told me more about her parents' divorce. About how her father, who traveled a lot, had maintained an A for years with a married woman in another state. But, interestingly, how she blamed her mother more for the divorce, because of how "she was such a bi***" to her dad, and because of how badly she had treated my W after the D. She didn't exactly give her dad a free pass for the A, but she thinks he was driven to it (much like she thinks I drove her to hers).
Overall, though, it was a very good day. Lots of affection, lots of laughing, and lots of serious talking (but avoiding directly talking about our R). At bedtime, we exchanged cards. Mine to her was a "I'm going to love you forever" kind of card. Hers to me was more of a "I have faith that we're going to get through this together" sort. It was less than I would have hoped for a few weeks ago, but it had a hopeful tone, and it was appropriate, given where we are today. All in all, I would have to say that the day more than met my lowered expectations.
Later, we went to see Matchstick Men and then went out to a great Italian place for dinner. There was a long wait so we spent an hour in the bar. My W started talking about how she would like to finish her degree (she's an RN now, but she's about a year and a half away from her BS Nursing degree), and possibly even go on for a Nurse Practitioners degree. After that, she said, "well, I either need to adopt, get my degree, or leave you". It was a joke, and we both laughed, but there's a grain of truth there. She's feeling this void, and needs to find a satisfying way to fill it.
