The road goes ever on...

[LolaL]

Oh Jon...that sounds great!!! Enjoy your dinner...

[ms ladybug]

Here's what my book "The Absolutely Worst Places to Live in America" says about Houston, TX:

Climate:like the fiery pits of Hell
Ideal for: Satan, deadly competitive cheerleader moms, violent housewives, shady corporate executives, the overweight, over-the-hill cowboys, illegal aliens, Christians
Cultural Highlights: Air-conditioning, Sunday services (with stadium seating and pyrotechnics). The rodeo, 4H club, second-rate Mardi Gras, beauty pageants, public transportation, fatalities, football, strip clubs.

Thought you'd enjoy that. Houston sounds great.

Sounds like your wife is finally noticing all your hard work. Keep it up.
What is your favorite dinner??

[maninmotion]

Hey Jon,
hang in there. We can all see your dilemma and your frustration about your music. Maybe, just maybe, that is something that can sit on the back burner for a couple of years and when things are awesome between you because the rest seems to be coming along, you can revisit the issue. Just a thought.

Have a great day.

Dan

[jon2911]

Thanks everyone!

I love W's chicken parmesan, and she also makes an amazing dish called ceviche.

We discovered it on our honeymoon in Belize. It's made by marinating shrimp in lemon and lime juice. The acidity "cooks" the shrimp. We were scared to try it, but love it now. She's making both. Can't wait.

Maninmotion, I hear ya. It's frustrating because 6 months ago, I was ready to move to Houston (aka pit of hell), give up the church and music thing, do anything. She still didn't want to try, so I started to build a life here. That's what my C said to do, and it's DBing as well, I guess. Give her something great to come back to. So, I feel stuck now. It's great that she invited me down this weekend, but that won't happen most of the time.

[MichelleLT]

If you were to do anything, give up anything, you would make yourself co-dependent. The new R must be built on two centered and whole individuals choosing to have the R.

However, you also need to start brainstorming a little. How can you compromise about the church stuff? How can you accomodate her point of view and still do the things you want to do?

Obviously a start would be to not discuss religion with her or send her religious e-mails/texts/etc. Another would be to never say you pray for her (I can relate to her with that one, I really don't like it when people say that even though I am Christian, but I usually just nod and smile and remind myself that they are just being nice).

What about her point of view on religion can you agree with? What can you validate? What can you empathize with? If you can make her feel heard and understood, she will probably be more flexible as well.

The weekend sounds like a great plan! I LOVE ceviche although I can't have the shrimp kind as I am allergic. Still, GOOD stuff!

[jon2911]

However, you also need to start brainstorming a little. How can you compromise about the church stuff? How can you accomodate her point of view and still do the things you want to do?

Obviously a start would be to not discuss religion with her or send her religious e-mails/texts/etc. Another would be to never say you pray for her (I can relate to her with that one, I really don't like it when people say that even though I am Christian, but I usually just nod and smile and remind myself that they are just being nice).

What about her point of view on religion can you agree with? What can you validate? What can you empathize with? If you can make her feel heard and understood, she will probably be more flexible as well.

The weekend sounds like a great plan! I LOVE ceviche although I can't have the shrimp kind as I am allergic. Still, GOOD stuff!

Good points, I've stayed away from any religious stuff. FIL is terrible about "verse of the day" crap e-mails, which always send a message. I did say "praying for you", but only once, and got reprimanded...

I like what you say about brainstorming compromises. She doesn't seem to be in a compromising mood, but we haven't talked about this stuff for a while. It's good to have communication back again, but strange. I kinda liked doing my own thing

W just texted "Victory!". We finally got the health insurance to pay out.

[MichelleLT]

Whoo-hoo!!!! That's awesome news!

She doesn't seem to be in a compromising mood because you both are entrenched in your positions - you in your relgious activies, and her not. There doesn't seem to be much in common there does there? However...maybe there is. You like the friends/community aspect right? I'm sure she likes hanging out with her friends. You like playing music right? I'm sure she likes lisetning to music, just probably not religious stuff. Play on the similarities, not the differences.

[jon2911]

There doesn't seem to be much in common there does there? However...maybe there is. You like the friends/community aspect right? I'm sure she likes hanging out with her friends. You like playing music right? I'm sure she likes listening to music, just probably not religious stuff. Play on the similarities, not the differences.

Well, music in general. Her family is incredibly business and money-focused. Musicians are, naturally, different. When a musician starts doing it solely for the money, the art really suffers. So, even the music she listens to is all the pop radio stuff, which musicians usually hate. She can't stand U2, of course I really need to start looking for similarities like you say, because it's not all black and white like she thinks.

My C today had a great tip. He said "wow, she really has no faults, does she?" (WAS's never do, right?) But he pointed out that even the negative ways she's acting are also positives. The judgmental attitude keeping us apart, another way to look at it is that she can't stand hypocrites, which is very good. She wants to make absolutely sure I'm not like that any more, and I need to complement her on that somehow.

[jon2911]

OK, long story short I'm done with music for a while. It was so hard, I actually felt physically sick all week. I'm so scared that I'll give all this up, and still not get W back. But I haven't come this far to give up.

Very nice talk with W last night, and we're still on for this weekend. She said she doesn't believe me about the music stuff, but is still warming up.

Just got a text: "anniversary in 18 days"

What the crap? Help!

[MichelleLT]

Question: does she not like the music at all? Or just the church stuff? Is there some kind of "middle ground" where you could still do something that you OBVIOUSLY ENJOY, and she would not have the religious/other objections to it?

While I agree it is a 180 and a "fix" to a "problem" from your W's perspective, it makes me very uncomfortable to see you give up something you love.

(((Jon)))

I hope this weekend goes well. Remember, no expectations. She is obviously thinking about the R, but I'm not sure she SHOULD come back yet because I am not sure she is ready. She has wavered a lot, but she needs to settle solidly into commitment before you guys move forward again IMHO.

Oh, and re the text. Did you ask her if she wants to do something that day? It seems like she is feeling you out or trying to drop a hint that she hasn't forgotten and maybe wants to celebrate?