Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

Thanks JJ,

I'm still struggling with this, quite literally trying to figure out what controlling him looks like. He hasn't actually said yet (at least recently) that this was the issue, but my DB coach says it is, and I think this is probably the case...There are things that I do that may be controlling, but maybe I can't tell yet!I guess that I should just not suggest anything?

ITH

[shoeprincess]

This whole process is about them. in their words "ME ME ME" They are only thinking about their own happiness and do not care to see our sadness and hurt. Is the house both of yours? If so, no reason for you not to stay there. He wants out he can stay somewhere.

[istherehope]

JJ

Wow you lived in Poland ! The similarities between our lives keep appearing...

ITH

[BigHands]

I had a "polish sausage" once. No, twice.

I agree with what Jen says and what Shoe says, with moderation. When reading your earlier posts, I saw that you proofread and edit his school work, and you seem to be the organizer of the household and the marriage in general. In my own case, I did everything with finances and organization because my ex wouldn't. When it came to the end, she saw it all as controlling. We weren't poor because she wouldn't get a job. We were poor because I must've blown our money. She didn't get a job because I wouldn't let her, not because she wouldn't get off the couch. Shoe's right. Their perspective right now is all about them and what they want.

Because of that, they will not see anything they've done wrong, or contributed to where the situation is. Not now. That doesn't mean they never will, just not today or tomorrow. You've got the head start here. You're starting that painful process of looking at yourself and trying to find out how you can be better. He is not.

Organization for him should be up to him. Period.

Living arrangements for each of you should be up to each of you. Now, I think Shoe makes a point that if he's the one wanting a change, he's the one who should have to change. But, I also think your husband may not understand that, especially with you leaving for a while. That being said, DO NOT bend over backward and inconvenience yourself to make life easier for him. He'll just see that as more control.

Also, there's a point where you'll have to realize that he will see ANYTHING as controlling, whether it really is or not. My ex accused me of being controlling when I was not able to pay for her to drive one of our two brand new cars (later gone to the repo man). So, we get back to . . . take care of you, improve you, be the best you can be. The hope is that he'll learn from your example and follow along. Either way, you win yourself.

[istherehope]

OK I just was looking at his Facebook profile, and now it shows no marital status, nothing, and I cannot even see his friends. It wasn't like this yesterday. He's put me on limited profile, and I so devastated--maybe everyone else can see a marital status of single or something! Do I say something to him when I see him tomorrow? For someone who is still making up his mind about things, it just seems as though he's trying every day to get more away from me, and that he wants everyone to know this. I am just so gutted, absolutely have a big pit in my stomach, and I don't know why I'm even trying now...

ITH

[BigHands]

You're focusing on him. He's not the focus for you. You are.

You're snooping on him. We've all done it and we've all learned that it does nothing for us, eventually . Put it this way . . . how do you imagine him responding in that conversation?

You cannot influence him or change his mind with anything you say. You can only give him an example to follow. Now, get to work on you!

[istherehope]

Yes you're right. It's his reaction that I could imagine right now as being so horrible, and this will be what (hopefully) prevents me from saying anything. It is just so painful though as I feel like each and every day he is doing something new toward moving away from me, and we do share a life.

I know, I need to work on me. I am planning to leave the country in about 2 weeks, and let him know that I will only be coming back once during the time that I'm gone. I'm still paranoid that this means he will completely give up on me, but I do realize that while I am there I will have enough distance and distractions that I will be able to refocus my attentions on myself...

ITH

[BigHands]

Sounds like a goooood plan.

And don't assume anything. It also puts him in a position to miss you.

[Jen_Jam]

Quick one - remember for each situation there are usualy several explainations. As an LBS, we tend to focus on the most negative one. Rememeber you don't know why he did this - it could be some olf school mate from years ago he always hated has tracked him down! It really could be perfectly innocent.

Control and dropping it - the slightest thing can be seen as control. You really have to drop everything. In my sitch, even me making H a cup of tea was seen as me trying to control him at one point. The situation you are living in now is not normal, both your emotions are very raw and heightened. Don't believe everything he says. Even if he feels it's what he really wants now, it may not be later. Raw and heightened emotions ... it's a bit like being really, really drunk/stoned. The slightest things take on far more significace than they really deserve in the cold light of day

Take it easy ITS, I for one thing you're doing well at this. You are on the DB master path x

[One Day]

I for one thing you're doing well at this. You are on the DB master path x

I second that!