ITA what Bethie said, believe me NMD there is always someone who will benefit from what you say, you may not always know it, but there will be someone, even someone lurking.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Mods--PLEASE don't delete the link! I wish I could impart to you how powerful it is to actually SEE that the written words that we read and lean on are from REAL-LIFE people!!!
NMD--Congratulations on your renewal and newfound happiness!!! Yes, your message is one of hope.
We all feel that way. Just when you think you've read it all it seems as if there is always something that someone writes that amazes me and not in a good way.
Your story helps a lot of people just by showing that we all will be happy again. Newcomers just aren't ready to hear that it may not be happiness built with their WAW.
BethM,
I wish I could just flip a switch in their heads to believe they WILL be happy again...... Probably not with their WAS.... But, they will be happy......
I know when I was in the middle of it, I never thought I would be happy without Kim..... I thought I loved her soooo very much for those 15 years...... What I came to realize is I loved who I thought she was...... Not the person she really is.... That was an eye opening experience to say the least.....
Looking back, it is kind of weird. When I told my mom early that morning Kim and I were getting married, I said, "Mom, if I don't marry Kim, I will never know how it ends." Prophetic!
Well, that is enough about the past........ The future is great with Ronnee....
Take Care,
RMG
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I have a bunch of threads out there.... I wanted to come back and post on this one...
I had a discussion with Wifey last night. She had me look at what had happened in my M to Kim..... There were red flags I simply did not see... I did things which were wrong.....
I am again posting in the hopes this helps someone....
Kim and I met and dated.
We broke up and I later Med exW #1. My Analysis: I never should have married her. I was still in love with Kim. I should have closed the first door before opening another. I was dead wrong to do this.
Kim and I still talked occasionally. My Analysis: I justified this because I was still in love with Kim. I was dead wrong to do this.
I called her the night before she was to M her exH #1. I had no idea she was getting Med. I was just calling. I said, "Do whatever you want. It will never be over." My Analysis: I loved her so much. But, if this makes her happy, so be it. I was dead wrong to call her.
After my M ended and while she was still Med to exH #1, she called me out of the blue. I talked to her. I told her I was sorry for hurting her in the past. I told her I loved her. I told her I wanted her to be my wife. My Analysis: I was TOTALLY naive and dead wrong to do this. I was leading with my heart. I simply did not have enough wisdom to see her for who she really was. I should have been wise enough to know if she will do this to H#1, she will do it to me. I should have just politely told her I did not want to speak to her.
Kim called me and told me she had filed for D. My Analysis: I was again TOTALLY naive I really should have looked at how easily she could do that. Again, talking to her was dead wrong.
I broke up with my GF to be with Kim. My Analysis: I should have never done that. I should have stayed with my GF. I should have seen where that road would lead. I NEVER should have hurt her in that way. Again, I rationalized this is all for the better because my GF was in the AF and being transferred to SC and I was in love with Kim. I was dead wrong again.
One night, God took me to task for all of things I had done wrong. He told me I needed to change. I needed to M Kim and be a faithful and loving H. My Analysis: Given all I had done wrong, I NEEDED to change BIG TIME.
I had Kim move out to CO and we got Med. My Analysis: I loved her. I wanted to be with her. In hindsight, I should never have gotten involved with her again. See above analysis.
Over Twelve Years Later Kim Demands a D My Analysis: I was foolish enough to think she really loved me. I thought she would work on our M if we had issues. I should have seen this as a repeating pattern. She did it to H#1. She was doing it to me. I was such a dumba$$. In the end, I realized I loved who I thought she was. The woman she REALLY was not the type of woman I could love.
What does this all mean? I made so many mistakes. I screwed up so royally. I did so many wrong things for what I thought was "love." I need to own up to those. I need to live with those.
I am hoping someone reads this and is able to see the "red flags" in their sitch. That they can step back and more clearly look at their sitch for what it REALLY is. What Wifey made me see more clearly was the picture of Kim I had painted in my mind over the years was NOT who she was. I thought Kim was this wonderful Christian woman who was loving, compassionate, trustworthy and faithful. I adored this woman. Yet, I failed to look at what she had done in the past.
Finally, I have to admit again I did many wrong things in my R with Kim. I honestly did change after God took me to task. I never did anything to violate our M. I did not have any remotely questionable female friends. I did not have any EAs or PAs. I was simply not the best H I could be. The sad part for Kim is she did not. She continued in this pattern.
I pray this helps someone.
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 08/01/0803:03 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
That is quite a story. Red flags?? We all saw them but most times choose to ignore them. In retrospect, I knew that there were times when things ex said and did left me cold but my choice was to bury my head in the sand. Yes, that really works!
No matter what, I believe that it all happened just as it was supposed to in order for us to learn and grow. I bet that the man you are today is a far better man than the person you wrote about.
It takes a person who is truly happy with who they are to want to share their past mistakes in order to help others. I would say that you are a success story!
That is quite a story. Red flags?? We all saw them but most times choose to ignore them. In retrospect, I knew that there were times when things ex said and did left me cold but my choice was to bury my head in the sand. Yes, that really works!
No matter what, I believe that it all happened just as it was supposed to in order for us to learn and grow. I bet that the man you are today is a far better man than the person you wrote about.
It takes a person who is truly happy with who they are to want to share their past mistakes in order to help others. I would say that you are a success story!
Love, Bethie
Beth,
I am not the man I was when God took me to task..... I am not the man Kim Med.... I am not the man Kim Ded.... I radically changed.... I believe I finally learned what being a real man exactly is... I believe I became a better man ONLY with God's help AND grace....
I look at all I did and went through lead me to the place where I could be ready for an exceptional woman like Ronnee.....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I look at all I did and went through lead me to the place where I could be ready for an exceptional woman like Ronnee.....
I am trying to see things this way NMD. It may not be the path we would choose, but without going through what you went through you wouldn't be the person you are today.
I'm still in love with W, despite all that's happened, including her suddenly dumping me 2x for OM - once 9 years ago and now again. Recently she's started seeking more contact with me.
My fear has been that my sitch now is so similar to 9 years ago that at some point she'll say she made a mistake and want to try again. I've been feeling like I would want that.
But reading your post helps me realize that she is not a loving and committed person. And never will be unless she really works on herself. I need to remember that as I rebuild my life.
It's hard because I love her so much, and I think she does care for me quite a bit. But she has issues and I need to see those for what they are and the potential they have to create misery. Not that I'm a saint, but I am committed and I'm willing to try hard. I don't think she knows how to do that.
So again, thanks for sharing your experience. It's helpful.
I look at all I did and went through lead me to the place where I could be ready for an exceptional woman like Ronnee.....
I am trying to see things this way NMD. It may not be the path we would choose, but without going through what you went through you wouldn't be the person you are today.
I am glad things have worked out for you.
klm,
That is so true..... If I could go back, I would go back to college just with just a few pieces of information.....
Ronnee's full name.... Where Ronnee lives..... That she is my soul mate..... That I love the woman she is...
We would get married after I graduate...... Have 2.5 kids in our late 20s..... Send the kids off to college.... Enjoy having an empty nest......
However, that is just a fantasy..... I refuse to live in the past or "could have beens" anymore........ That is TRULY a cheeseless tunnel.....
I am enjoying what God has blessed us with now......... at this moment........
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
NMD...you know...if it had worked out that way you might not appreciate her the way you do. Despite all the hurt, we do learn things from this experience.
