I'm having a very hard time bouncing back from this latest setback. I had thought that we had been having sort of a honeymoon-like period throughout July, that things were progressing very well. I had noticed a little distance in recent weeks, but thought it was just the natural progression of things. To have this happen when things seemed to be going so well is devastating. How many times have I said it, that I just can't trust how she acts toward me as a true indication of how things are for her? Things can seem to be going great, but she'll still lie to me and continue an EA (if not a PA) all along. I don't know if I can live like this, not being able to trust in anything.
I'm more depressed now than hurt. It hurts to know that this has been going on, but I mostly believe her that she has not been sleeping with him, so the pain is a little less than it would have been. Also, she has said the right stuff. She says that she loves me, does not love him, wants to be with me, etc. Somehow, even now, knowing full well that she could be lying through her teeth again, it helps soothe my feelings a little.
I can't escape a feeling of doom though. That it's only a matter of time before she does something again, be it a few days, a few weeks, or a few months from now. That nothing I do will ever be enough. That I cannot be enough for her. That perhaps there is something so wrong with her (mentally) that she will not be able to live up to what she has promised (there's a little history here: my W turns 40 in December. Her mother had a nervous breakdown when she was 40, and has had some mental problems which have only grown worse over the years since).
In some ways nothing has changed. I still go home after work, we have dinner and talk, there's still some affectionate touching, etc. But now, more than ever, I don't trust that it means anything. I don't know that I will ever feel a reasonable modicum of safety in this R, and I don't know that I can handle the stress of living without that, longterm.
Tuesday was my birthday, and we went out to a movie and out to a restaurant for drinks afterward. Had a very nice time, and it was the most relaxed I've been since our latest problems. My W shared some gossip about some neighbors who are having a hard time in their M due to possible infidelity on his part. She seemed to be fully able to understand how wrong and painful it is when it happens to somebody else. And she brought it up in a way that showed that she was being sensitive to my feelings. Maybe she was trying to demonstrate some understanding without being direct about it. Hard to say. Anyway, we came home and had sex and it was great.
But, I woke up yesterday again depressed. She got up and made coffee and took a long time coming back to bed (I had arranged to take yesterday off from work, and we had been planning to spend it together). I tried not to take it personally, but I guess I did, and we had an argument. We made up, but it was a little ugly for awhile. We later took the boys to an arcade, napped a little on the couch, and went into the spa in the evening. I tried not be be depressed, but I just couldn't snap out of it. Later, when we turned out the light to go to sleep, I told her that I was sorry that I was being so depressed, that I wasn't doing it to make her feel guilty (something she had alluded to in the morning's argument). She said that she knew, that it was OK to be depressed, that she doesn't expect me to get over all this that easily, but she just didn't know how to help. Since I don't know either at this point, I didn't pursue any discussion about that. We just said goodnight and went to sleep.
Today, I still have that feeling of doom, but I'm functioning. I guess there's nothing to do but take it day by day. I haven't given up all hope. I suppose there's still a chance for us. I won't change back into the bad habits I had before February. But I don't know that there's anything more I can do, but hope that she demonstrates some character and lives up to her promises. Wish I had a little more faith in that.
