Have some bad news. I found out last Friday (the 22nd) that my W was once again in contact with the OG. I checked the computer keylogger file, which I hadn't done in a few weeks, and found a "call me" text message to the OG's phone number from our computer that had been made on the 14th. As far as I knew, except for one call in early July, she hadn't had any contact with him since late June.
I also discovered a new secret email account that my W recently started. She hasn't used it to email him or any other guy, and actually has one of our son's names as the password (which we also use for our main email account) but it's just more of a pattern of secrecy that just eats at me and worries me.
I haven't posted about all this until now because I've been very depressed about it, and I've been trying to wrap my mind around these latest developments. Also, I feel like a DBing fraud and failure. After I tell you about it, you may think that the outcome wasn't that bad and that I should be able to handle it better. But it's very depressing and confusing to me. It seems like I'm on a tightrope right now, between real improvements in our R and utter failure (divorce!). It could go either way.
To keep this to a reasonable length, I'll limit this post to the confrontation and the immediate aftermath, and post later on our R since then.
The Latest Confrontation
I'd have labelled this as Confrontation #x but I've lost track of what "x" is. How many times have I discovered continued contact with the OG since the 1st discovery in early May? 4? 5? 6? Anyway, soon after my W got home from work, I sat her down and told her that I was thinking about initiating a D (no lie there) and told her that she should use this opportunity to come clean and tell me anything she wanted to before I did. She admitted that he had called her shortly after our vacation (the end of July), that they had been talking 4 or 5 times a week on the phone since then, and that she had gone out to see him "3 or 4 times" since then during the day at his job sites (he's got a small landscaping business).
She insisted that she has not had sex with him and insisted that she hadn't even kissed him or held hands with him. She said it had been a little awkward being with him since she had established these boundaries, but that she still enjoyed being around him. She said that she had thought about sleeping with him, but that that would open a new can of worms that she didn't want, so she hadn't done that. She couldn't or wouldn't say exactly why she started doing this again, other than she had been a little depressed after our vacation ended and she had enjoyed talking to him when he called. I asked a lot of questions about why she was doing this, about us, and about what the attraction to the OG was all about. I didn't get many straight answers, at least ones that satisfied me. She said that he wasn't better, just newer and different than me. I guess I should be gratified that she sees this, but in some ways it just hurts all the more that she can intellectualize that the A is stupid but carries on with it anyway.
When I asked her what her plans had been regarding the OG, she said that she didn't have any, that she had just been living in the moment and not thinking about the future.
I asked her what she wanted to do now. She said all the right stuff. That she would immediately end it with the OG, that she wants to be with me, that she wants to grow old with me, that she loves me, that she's sorry she hurt me again. She has said most of this stuff before, though, so it's nothing I can take to the bank.
I gave her a final ultimatum. That if I ever find out that there has been any contact between them whatsoever (and gave fair warning that I would definitely be checking), that I would file for D immediately, with no turning back. I think I'm finally at that point. I said it quietly, but if she didn't hear the anger, disappointment, and resolve in my voice, then she wasn't listening.
I tried to call the OG in front of her. She didn't want me to do this, but didn't try to stop me. He didn't answer. I called the next morning, however, while she was at work. I told him I knew that there was stuff going on (I wanted to hear what he had to say about it), he claimed that they had only talked on the phone. When confronted with my W's story, he said that her version was correct. So he lied, not too surprising. He said that he would back off, that he didn't want to cause any trouble, and that he would have no contact with her any more. I told him about the ultimatum (if he's evil, he'll realize that he's close to finally winning, i.e., getting us to D, and might continue to try to continue the A. I know this, but at this point, it's all up to her to do right, or not.). I also tried to explain that the lives of 2 little boys will forever be damaged if they continue down this path, knowing full well that an appeal to character is probably a cheeseless tunnel.
The main reason that I called him, other than to hear his version of what had been going on the last few weeks (he lied anyway, so that was useless), was mainly to send a message to my W. I hadn't previously contacted the OG, had never gone that far. I want to leave no doubt that I'm dead serious about this, that we're only a single "innocent" phone call, email, or text message away from disaster.
When she came home from work on Saturday, she came in to our bedroom where I was watching TV. She laid down with me and we fell asleep in each other's arms, sleeping for several hours like that. It felt real, and I know that she feels bad about what she did.
After we woke up Sunday morning, she initiated, and we were intimate. Afterwards, she whispered, "I love you, I really do".
So, it's not all bad, but I'm feeling very confused, and that my M is hanging my a thread with my W holding the scissors. More shortly...
Brian
P.S. No lectures regarding snooping, please. Actually, I think I'll start a thread on that subject soon. Sage, get your guns ready for that. Talitsa, dcr, you guys too.
