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she should have known that I was angry and that we needed to talk and straighten this out.


I'm of course guilty of this as you well know but c'mon brian.... she should have known really now...she should just know when you are angry or bothered and don't say anything? well then perhaps you should have known that she was feeling smothered and was turning around to get a bit of breathing room.

ok that was put a bit harsh but the "should have known" just screamed at me.

another thing...concerning her not being able to sleep all night with your arm on her...though I love when my h initiates a cuddle in bed or a "spoon" as he likes to call it..after a while the weight of his arm on me is no longer a comfort but almost annoying and yes I at times do feel trapped as if any move I make will cause him to move and disrupt him. we've each gotten so ridiculous about it now that when either of us has to move either becuase it's too hot to cuddle or an arms asleep or whatever a statement of clarification is made "don't take this to mean anything, my arm is just falling asleep" etc. h also makes this note when sitting on the couches...if he happens to stay on the loveseat while I'm on the big couch he'll note to me that it's nothing personal he just needs to strech. I think he started pointing it out when I made a few comments about these things and how they sometimes make me think he's avoiding me.

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For months now I've been trying to take the lead in straightening things out after an argument - letting things slide, saying I'm sorry first, or giving her the benefit of the doubt. This was born out of my thinking that I need to focus on the big picture (eyes on the prize), that winning her back was more important than winning an argument, or getting my way, or getting her to be sorry about something. I think that my being able to gracefully approach my W after arguments did help. Sometimes, though, my doing that feels like doormat or pursuing behavior. if it was working then why not continue it? What I mean is, I'm not sure that she should respect me if I suck up when she is clearly the one who should be apologizing. well let's see. there are clear times when one is wrong and one is right but does that really serve any purpose? for instance the other day with my h and the phone call..sure he was wrong to hang up on me, was wrong to push my feelings aside...but was I not also wrong for letting my thoughts and fears and insecurities start the "argument" in the first place? when such things occur (the typical missunderstanding or missinterpertations that lead to ill feeligs) being the one to "appologize" or "suck up" isn't always being a doormat, it simply means that you are recognizing your role in that particular "argument"


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We settled on 2 or 3 times as sort of a general goal, but agreed that we wouldn't keep score from week to week


I'd be doing a dance for 2 or 3 times a week never mind settling for it. but I guess that's for you.

LL