Decided to journal a little here, since we had some bad moments two days ago and then patched things up a little last night.
Tuesday evening was date night. We went out with W's B and SIL. Had a good time, but both of us drank a little too much and just wanted to go to sleep. Wednesday morning, I initiated, but she thought it was too early and rejected me in a mean and nasty tone. An hour later, she felt bad, we discussed it, and we sort of got past it. We ended up having a quickie, which was OK, but it didn't feel much like love.
The day went generally pretty well. I gave her a backrub before we went to sleep. I had to get up early the next day, so I went to sleep cuddling her back while she laid on her side and watched TV for awhile. When I woke up, the TV was off and she was turning over toward me. Still almost asleep, I thought that she was giving me a goodnight hug, so I reached out to hug her. She angrily pushed my arm away and said something like, "just move over and let me sleep". I said "what's wrong, why are you being like this?" She said that she didn't have any room (I was on her side of the bed) and that she was "grumpy" (as if being grumpy is its own excuse).
I tried to let it go, but it nagged at me all of yesterday. This happens, sometimes, that she rejects my attempts at hugs, kisses, cuddling, or sex, in a mean and nasty way. Not often, just sometimes, but it's not something I can predict (and therefore avoid). Just for the record, even before the A, I have NEVER rejected her in the same sort of way (although to be sure, for years I rarely initiated hugs, kisses, and cuddling).
I didn't call her from work yesterday, and when she finally called me, it was an on-the-run call while she was driving around with the kids. Which only made me angrier - she should have known that I was angry and that we needed to talk and straighten this out.
For months now I've been trying to take the lead in straightening things out after an argument - letting things slide, saying I'm sorry first, or giving her the benefit of the doubt. This was born out of my thinking that I need to focus on the big picture (eyes on the prize), that winning her back was more important than winning an argument, or getting my way, or getting her to be sorry about something. I think that my being able to gracefully approach my W after arguments did help. Sometimes, though, my doing that feels like doormat or pursuing behavior. What I mean is, I'm not sure that she should respect me if I suck up when she is clearly the one who should be apologizing. Anyway, I just didn't feel like being the one to make the first move yesterday.
She did finally call back later, and I found out that the previous night she had fallen asleep herself while watching TV and had woken with her arm asleep because of the cuddling postion we were in. Feeling smothered, she turned over to get more comfortable. When I then reached out for her, she felt like I was being inconsiderate of her need for a little space so that she could sleep, and that was why she had yelled at me. So, as it turned out, we had both misinterpreted what the other was thinking. I had thought that she was trying to give me a hug; she had thought that I was intent on sleeping practically on top of her. She did manage an apology for the way she had spoken.
So, when I got home, she gave me a big overly dramatic hug and a slightly sarcastic, "honey I'm SOOO glad you're home". It was obvious that she was trying to suck up and make it all better. We both laughed.
Later, we had a discussion about how she had been feeling like she "couldn't" reject me (guess that's why I've gotten lucky so often lately), because she knows that my feelings are fragile these days and she didn't want to hurt them. That includes sex, but also cuddling (she can't get used to sleeping with my arm around her, the weight of it makes her uncomfortable after awhile; or she doesn't feel like she can change positions without waking up). Funny, I never used to like to cuddle, but now I actually sleep better and somehow more relaxed when I can feel her there in some way. I like it and wish she did too.
We also discussed frequency of sex, how there are natural peaks and valleys over time. We've been on a peak lately; my W would like to be able to reduce the frequency somewhat without making me angry or hurting my feelings. We discussed what would be the ideal amount for each of us, on average. For me, 4 or 5 times a week, for her 1 or 2 times a week. We settled on 2 or 3 times as sort of a general goal, but agreed that we wouldn't keep score from week to week.
On the one hand, it seems a little weird to have this discussion 8 years into our M. I mean, I don't think what we told each other came as any big surprise. We've always known that I have the higher drive. And I don't want sex to be a scheduled, non-spontaneous event. On the other hand, I think it's good for both of us to know what the other considers to be reasonable and desirable. I shared with her how it makes me feel when we aren't intimate often enough, and she shared how having it too often makes it harder and take longer for her to "get into it", and that she sometimes just doesn't have the energy for it. We've talked about some of these things before, but somehow last night it seemed like we both understood the other better. We also talked about how I am pretty much always the one to initiate stuff (sex, hugs, kissing, cuddling), and how I would really like it if she would do more of it. She said that I did so much, she never had a chance. Not true from my perspective (I see plenty of opportunity for her to initiate all of these things), but I know that I really need to give her the space to initiate on her own, and do my best not to get my feelings hurt if it doesn't happen according to my schedule.
She's also been feeling stressed out because of the kids, and she is really happy that the summer is ending so that they will be in school. I guess they've been bored and in her face a lot lately. I told her that I do want her to have free time, but that I struggle with that, since she might get bored (and therefore feel unhappy), and that the time would enable her to easily restart the A, if she were so inclined. She said she understood, but didn't know what she could tell me that she hasn't already told me to make me feel better about it. I said, "well, I know that you've said this before, but you could tell me again that the A is over forever". She looked at me and said, "the A is over forever". It felt GOOD, and I told her that I wouldn't mind if she told it to me again, every once in awhile. She said, "OK", but I don't think she understands even now my need for her to do this.
So, things are back on an even keel now, although it would seem that the frequency of sex, which for the last 6 weeks or so has been somewhere around my ideal of 4 or 5 times a week, is likely to diminish to about half that. I can be happy with that, especially if she starts initiated more (touching generally, but sex specifically). It was a good discussion and I feel better today.
Sorry about the length of this monster post. I just want to be able to remember some of these details in later days.
