2 steps forward, 3 back

[cat03]

from the book 'eat, love and pray'
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I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul.

I can choose how I regard unfortunate events in my life, where I see them as curses or opportunities.

When I'm feeling too da*m sorry for my self I can choose to change my outlook, my words, the tone of my voice and how I talk to others.

You need to learn how to select your words just like you select what clothes are you going to wear everyday, this is a power you can cultivate.

If you want to control things in your life so bad work on the mind, that's the only thing you should be trying to control anyway. Drop everything else, because if you can't master your thinking you are in deep trouble forever.
This is not about repression or denial, admit to the existence of negative thoughts and understand where they are coming from and with great forgiveness, dismiss them. It is a sacrifice to let them go, it's a loss of old habits, it takes practice and effort, it's constant vigilance, some thing you need to do this for yourself.

I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. Harbor is a noun, it is a port of entry, place of refuge. Your mind is a harbor. It's an open bay with access to an island, yourself. You may not come here anymore with your slave ships of unhealthy thoughts, they will all be turned away, all malcontents, you may not come here, angry and starving exiles, cannibalistic thoughts will not be received. This is a peaceful harbor, the entry way to a fine and proud island which is now starting to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by this new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind. Otherwise, I shall turn you all toward the sea from hence you came, that is my mission and it will never end.

Longing and control, that's what your mind is fighting about.

Prayer is a relationship. Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself.

[HSSweetheart]

What positives? Don't understand.

[HSSweetheart]

I spent the afternoon outback re-re-reading divorcebusting. Up to step 3. This is very helpful. Even if he does not return I will get my self-control back.

He called to say he was taking the kids to the movies, Could I have them ready at 7:45. I said absolutely. He had asked some common question like what's up when I answered and I very enthusiastically said that the kids were looking forward to a nice night with him. I asked him how his b-day apple cake was, because our oven always burns things and I watched to be sure it wasn't burnt. He said it was good and not too underdone. I said I was glad to hear it. He is probably scratching his head what alien came down and replaced me. GOOD! Leave 'em guessing.

I'm working on it guys, I just needed a kick in the pants.....''

thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!! I feel somewhat human again....

[HSSweetheart]

He just picked up the kids, we were trying to get a bag out of our tree that was too high, shaking the branches. H got out of his truck and came over and was able to pull it down. Very happily I called him a savior and thanked him. He got the kids in the car, pretended to kinda head bang at the music in his truck (probably GF's taste) and then drove away. I told them all to have a great time.

Then went back to reading and making notes on DR. I am so proud of myself. Instead of coming inside and crying and being miserable I feel better, more confident. AMEN to your help Michele!

[HSSweetheart]

Up again early, thoughts of GF and he have krept in again. Going to re-read my notes to try and calm them.

Actually exercised last night. Now that I have lost 31 lbs I want to keep it this time. It will also be a good distraction and something to focus on. All helpful right now...

[HSSweetheart]

H did come in the house when dropping off the kids, doesn't do that much anymore. Asked me not to cash his ck until Sunday, bank account is low. this is common. So how the heck is he affording a lawyer? I asked him this recently and he said he did not get a loan and that I should get better advice. I guess he is paying per document. Didn't bring any of that up this morning. Did ask when he would be able to vacuum our pool as he finally got it running and this is the last step. He said he didn't know. I am going to ask my next door neighbor to show me how. I can do it myself if I just know how. But all in all a positive interaction I'd say.

[HSSweetheart]

D Papers came in today's regular mail. Does that count? What should I do, I don't want this!

[HSSweetheart]

Went for consultation. Can sign the paper saying I received them, but then I don't have to do anything legally for 2 yrs after separation. Suggested that I file for custody. Says our schedule is very unstable right now for the kids and feels I could get more. I would love 4 days to his 3, right now we do 50/50. But I am afraid I might get every other weekend and neither of us wants that. Says I can claim the stability issue and mention their living condition in one room at his fathers, stating that I thought it would only be temporary and it has become more than that. I am just so afraid! Anyone had experience with this in PA?

[HSSweetheart]

P.S. Not going to bring this up with him, I think. Do want to talk custody but afraid with him. He'll blame everything now on GF. Going to stay upbeat. He is coming to work on pool perhaps tomorrow. Want to learn but also thinking about being out when he comes. But it may rain so that may be out. Just thinking....

[HSSweetheart]

H came to work on pool. Tried to stay away as much as possible. Offered him a drink and later lunch. Usually he rushes out but he ate. Then mentioned a few stereo items he wants. I was taken aback. Never wanted them before.

Talked to him outside about problems I felt with babysitter. He says he will talk to her, doesn't want to switch people. Knew that.. Said I wanted more stability for the kids, want blocks of days like 3 there 4 here. He basically agreed. Then I said I would want 4 days all the time, but not support. He said no. He wanted to see the kids. I also replied to a comment he made about others helping him with the kids. I said I would want the option to adjust my schedule before we bring others in. He said it would be family not GF.

Had to make a small comment about the hickey on his neck, said it was disgusting or gross, then said I'm not saying anything and after that avoided looking at him. When married he knows I had a thing about that. Other than that it was a non-rushed fairly pain-free visit. I found myself watching him, longing. I tried not to look at him as it was painful. Sigh...still working at it but doubtful. I don't see how he will ever see the light. I just need some positivity...like 2+2=4. Why can't life be that simple????