Recommitment issues, post affair

[sage]

Is it be too shallow of me to think that it's been the single most important factor in helping me to get over some of the negative thoughts and feelings that are now so much less pervasive than they were? It's not that sex solves any particular problem, but it seems to be able to help me get past some of the irrationality and pessimism that sometimes continue to plague me.

hey Brian -- I don't think it's shallow at all...To know that you are WANTED by the person who strayed...that seems like a normal and expected feeling!

As I said, irrational and pessimistic thinking continues to be a problem for me. Examples: thinking that my W is seeing the OG; thinking that she will never understand how I feel; thinking that she will never be truly sorry, that I will never forgive her, and that consequently we are doomed; and thinking that she could do this to me again. Not all of these things are irrational, but how I think about them sometimes seems to be. And even knowing that thoughts are irrational doesn't seem to be enough to drive them away.

Time helps this, I think. And more good times with your w. And more problems solved, too. Someone on the boards recently described surviving an a. as surviving a "trauma" and I think that the aftermath is just that...there are days when I'm actually amazed at how much I've healed.

I have avoided having R talks, partly because they tend to be unproductive, and partly because I think that it's better to just focus on slowly growing the R and being happy together. As a consequence, though, we talk about anything and everything except the topic of us. She treats that subject almost as taboo, and it's often simpler for me also, especially when things are going well.

I can relate to this...the sit down R talks made us take pretty giant steps backwards in my sitch. right now I'm hopeful that we're laying the groundwork every day for a stronger r....tho' I'll certainly admit that there are times I worry that we haven't "debriefed" on the a and its aftermath sufficiently.

Early Saturday evening, however, after she had said a few things that I took as insulting, I broached the subject and asked her how she felt now about me, about us, and about the OG. I guess I was hoping to hear some reassurance, and that her thinking and feelings had progressed a lot in the last month. Unfortunately, while there has been some progress, it doesn't seem like much.

hmmm...well, first off, sounds like asking your w. for reassurances right now is a cheeseless tunnel (so try to stay out of it). Secondly, wasn't your timing off? She had said somethings that sounded insulting, you were likely peeved...maybe not the best time to get reassurances? (I know, I know, it was the time when you probably MOST needed them....) If you MUST ask for reassurances, how about doing it when you two are feeling good about each other?

In response to a specific question, she said that she is committed to trying to make our M work. Notice the "trying to". That's not the same as "committed to making our M work", is it? In fact, "trying to" changes the whole meaning. It's not really a commitment at all.

My 2 cents (uncensored) is that you're reading WAY TOO MUCH into this. Your w. CAN'T MAKE your m. work. She can TRY to but do you really think that she can MAKE it work? Honestly, I think I would have answered the question in the exact same way she did...and I don't think one can doubt my commitment to my m

She also admitted that the OG called her almost a month ago, that they'd talked for about 10 minutes, that there had been no other contact, and that she didn't expect him to call anymore. She doesn't seem to get how huge an issue this is for me. What is so difficult about understanding that no contact whatsoever means no contact whatsoever? The fact that I had to pry this admission from her, and the fact that she didn't seem to think it was such a big deal does not help my paranoia about this one bit. With some pushing, I got her to agree that she would refuse to talk to him if he ever called again, but I shouldn't have had to push, and I don't trust that she would follow through.

ah, a rock and a hard place. I KNOW you are looking for more understanding and humility from your w. I absolutely do not blame you for that AT ALL...but I'd be careful about doing anything that makes it less likely for your w. to tell you about these sorts of things...yah, 10 minutes sucks..and optimally, she would have told you right after it happened, but, she did tell you,no?

Here was the part that will continue to drive me nuts. She still isn't truly sorry for the A. The most she's willing to say is that she's sorry I got hurt. She said, "it was a bad thing for you, but a good thing for me". I said, "yes, but it was a bad thing for our M, and that affects you", to which she basically had no response.

So...I'll agree with Shiny's suggestion that this may be a control thing for your w. Let me also ask you this -- WHY does your w. say it was a good thing for her? WHAT did she get out of the a? THAT may be a good clue as to why she's holding onto it so tightly...

You also know that you can't MAKE her sorry...and trying to control it may make her very, very resistant to coming upon her regret by herself. Also, don't forget that she may be protecting herself...from feeling the unbelievable pain of what she's done...

I suspect that the more you push this, the more she'll push back....

Sage