Well, I haven't posted on my own thread in a month, so it's probably about time. I guess the main reason is that things have been going generally quite well, although there was a snag the other night (more about that in a minute). I haven't had much specific to complain about, although there are lots of issues that just continue to be in play.
The last month has seen a lot of good stuff going on between my W and me. Lots of time spent together, lots of affectionate touching, more sex than ever. With sex, it's not just how good it feels - that's a given - but it's also about feeling wanted by her, and that feeling of being totally connected when we're looking deep into each other's eyes. Is it be too shallow of me to think that it's been the single most important factor in helping me to get over some of the negative thoughts and feelings that are now so much less pervasive than they were? It's not that sex solves any particular problem, but it seems to be able to help me get past some of the irrationality and pessimism that sometimes continue to plague me.
As I said, irrational and pessimistic thinking continues to be a problem for me. Examples: thinking that my W is seeing the OG; thinking that she will never understand how I feel; thinking that she will never be truly sorry, that I will never forgive her, and that consequently we are doomed; and thinking that she could do this to me again. Not all of these things are irrational, but how I think about them sometimes seems to be. And even knowing that thoughts are irrational doesn't seem to be enough to drive them away.
I have avoided having R talks, partly because they tend to be unproductive, and partly because I think that it's better to just focus on slowly growing the R and being happy together. As a consequence, though, we talk about anything and everything except the topic of us. She treats that subject almost as taboo, and it's often simpler for me also, especially when things are going well.
Early Saturday evening, however, after she had said a few things that I took as insulting, I broached the subject and asked her how she felt now about me, about us, and about the OG. I guess I was hoping to hear some reassurance, and that her thinking and feelings had progressed a lot in the last month. Unfortunately, while there has been some progress, it doesn't seem like much.
In response to a specific question, she said that she is committed to trying to make our M work. Notice the "trying to". That's not the same as "committed to making our M work", is it? In fact, "trying to" changes the whole meaning. It's not really a commitment at all.
She also admitted that the OG called her almost a month ago, that they'd talked for about 10 minutes, that there had been no other contact, and that she didn't expect him to call anymore. She doesn't seem to get how huge an issue this is for me. What is so difficult about understanding that no contact whatsoever means no contact whatsoever? The fact that I had to pry this admission from her, and the fact that she didn't seem to think it was such a big deal does not help my paranoia about this one bit. With some pushing, I got her to agree that she would refuse to talk to him if he ever called again, but I shouldn't have had to push, and I don't trust that she would follow through.
I got some clarification on some details regarding the OG and the A. I don't think I'll need to ask any more questions about that in the future. Most of what I found out doesn't matter anymore anyway.
She did say that she thought that we had been getting along great lately and that things between us were better than they had been in a very long time. I asked her how often she thought about our situation, the A, the OG, etc. I was surprised when she said that she doesn't even think about this stuff every day (in contrast, I still think about it at least an hour or two a day, I'd guess). She admitted to still missing the OG occassionally, but said she was getting over it.
Here was the part that will continue to drive me nuts. She still isn't truly sorry for the A. The most she's willing to say is that she's sorry I got hurt. She said, "it was a bad thing for you, but a good thing for me". I said, "yes, but it was a bad thing for our M, and that affects you", to which she basically had no response.
I think that she may never be sorry. She maybe isn't capable of enough empathy to feel that the pain that she caused me from the A and the damage to our M wasn't worth the happiness she received. She never had to suffer any consequences of having the A - no loss of respect from family and friends (since nobody knows), no economic loss, not even the loss of me (in fact, she likes me even better now) - so for her, what's the downside? I think that it would take me leaving and revealing the A to everybody for her to become truly sorry. It would be nice if she were a good enough person to come to be able to come to that conclusion without having selfish reasons for doing so. At this point, I'm not sure she is.
And so, I'm still withholding forgiveness. I really thought I'd have gotten past this point by now. I feel the need for the apology. I know, I know, "the gift you give yourself", etc. But I'm not ready yet. I guess it's something to work on.
Well, more on all this later. This post is long enough, and I've got to get some work done.
