I'll sail this ship alone

[Continuing]

eeeesh...another biggy

What is the difference in your feelings to approaching the two of them? The relationships pain and the Chron's pain. When you have a Chron's attack how do you feel that you grow? Or do you feel like you step back as it is something you can't control?

Hmmm...this is a good question. For me, when I was really sick it was about survival. Emotions needed to be stowed. I had no time for emotions and they would have been too overwhelming. Every now and then I would break down and let the fear engulf me but most times it was about avoidance and/or distraction and grim determination. There simply was nothing to do, I had no control and I had to come to terms with that. I had to learn to be happy in the moment. I'm not sure if I can say 'how' I grew or grow during these times. Everone is different and how they grow is different. It took a lot of self-reflection, thought, and acceptance. I'm not sure if I can explain it better than that.

Now, relationship pain. Thats a different ball game...or cricket match :). With Crohn's I had the luxury of not being responsible for the predicament I was in. With my relationship difficulties I have no such luxury. In a way, relational pain is much more intense and excrutiating. The reason is because it is personal. This wasn't a disaster that randomaly visited me, I am partly responsilble for creating it, which means that there are some unpleasent things about myself that I must confront. In fact, these things are so unplesant that I have organized my entire perception of reality around avoiding them (this is true for everyone; hence defense mechanisms).

To travel these paths takes different kinds of courage. One situation will change the your life, the other will change your perception of yourself and others, both will challenage everything you thought you knew to be true.

After the first episode did you experience fear about it's return and what effect did that have on you?

Oh, yes. Still do. But, again, there is nothing I can do about. It took me time to get to a point of relative peace. I recieved news not too long ago that it is possible that I will need an ostomy. I was horrified, but after some time of fear and grieving life was waiting and it always will be. The more I can sit with the anxiety the less threating it becomes. Easier said than done...

Does that mean you have conflicting emotions about wanting to get away from that part of you and people who know what you have been through?

No.

Do you feel guilt about being a burden on the people who care for you? If someone said to you that they wanted to take the good times with the bad and live the good times and be there for the bad what could they do to show you that so you could accept it?

This is tough. This is what I thought I had with my wife...
It really depends on where your husband is at developmentally. For me; interest, empathy, and attempts to really understand what I was going through ment alot (but that is beginning to change; I'll try to explain). But...here's the rub. It depends on the meaning he has attached to his experience. How comfortable with himself is he? How much does he like himself? Ya know how we always talk about detaching; being separate, differentiated, or individuated from others and our spouses? meaning that what they do does not effect us because we can self-soothe and recognize that our feelings, thoughts, and actions are ours and ours alone; That we do not need a relationship for our sense of self to remain intact? ok...I know thats what we as LBS's are striving for...how far along in that process do you think HE is? If he is far along he shouldn't need you to validate his experience for it to be meaningful and for him to be convinced that you will support him because he can support himself emotionaly. He wouldn't NEED the meaning he has attached to his experience (whatever it is) to be reflected back to him because he is a separate person who can self-validate. If hs ISN'T far along in the process of being separate he might need you to reflect back to him the exact meaning he has attached to his experience (which might be impossible for you to do which creates a bit of a dilemma). Furthermore, he may be hesitent to talk about what he has or is experiencing around this for fear of you wouldn't reflect back the right meaning simply because he hasn't grown enough to know that we make our own meaning and we don't need others to confirm it for us.

Does any of that make sense?! lol, bottom line-- respond how you would normally respond, don't tailor your reaction to him because then you are not being honest or separate. That means you are trying to control your mind and his. I mean, I'm assuming you are not going to be cold about it but let him worry about how he takes what you say. You are not responisble for making sure your message gets into his head the way you intend, thats his job.

Also, search youself. What does his illnes bring up in you? What anxieties about mortality or control or pain are stoked by witnessing his situation. I don't know what they may be but I'd really try to be aware of it because they will affect how you interact with him.

How do you deal with these things? What do you tell yourself? Or do you just ignore it, accept it and get on with it as my h seems to. (I am assuming here).

HA...you tell me, lol!! This is, IMO, the crux of everything. Life has an infuriating habit of making us confront ourselves. We either look in the mirror or run. I don't tell myself anything because I wouldn't believe it; how do you convince yourself that you are not insecure? It is a state of being to like oneself, not an intellectual exercise. If I knew how to do I would write a book on it and by MARS cuz thats how much money I would have!! Ya know...this is what we all are doing; growing, accepting ourselves and being pleased with ourselves. And I really believe this process cannot be taught. Humans are meaning-making creatures and we alone can decide what meaning to attach to ourselves. this is the harderst part of all of this; we have to let our WA's do it and we can't help. We also have to do it ourselves. I am curious about myself; I cry, laugh, grieve, enjoy, take pleasure, am proud of, am ashamed of, am pompous, am humble, am learing about myself. I'm living. If your husband is ignoring it then he is not dealing with it and you can't make him or help him, it is his journey, as gut-wrenching as it is...believe me...i know...

I feel like this is my h exactly. He even says he doesn't feel he can live up to my expectation. I think though this may be more about his expectation of himself as he has never asked me what my expectations are, he has just assumed. Is there anything I can do to show him that I don't have expectations of him, I have belief that he can achieve whatever he wants to, and whatever he wants to do is fine by me.

Well what are you're expectations? Are you sure you don't have any? I kinda want more info regarding this, I'm not sure I totally understand. I'll wait to weigh in on this one.

My h has this thing about keeping calm all the time as stress is associated with Chron's. He won't do anything to upset himself just in case. This is the one thing it seems he will do to look after himself. He doesn't seem to apply it to other aspects of his life though that I can see (again I am assuming). It feels like to me another brick he can use in the wall against me.

Well, I suppose its where he's coming from. Is he throwing a temper tantrum and using his illness as an excuse or does he have clearly articulated boundries and is aware of why he refuses to do things? Either way can you do anything about it? Do you NEED him to do certain things for you that he refuses to do?

This really hit home, as last summer was the first time ever that things weren't great and while before I just thought that he couldn't handle this actually I just see that it was really bad timing. My H and I used to have so much fun, but with that and sharing a life together comes the responsibility of the house etc. I feel like he just doesn't want any of that at the moment and is blocking out the good times and remembering the bad. Obviously I don't want a relationship where I am exhausted by doing all the chores etc. But it seems that I can't win as if I try and take control, like in the recent mortgage instance, he feels like I am trying to control him and battles against me. Do you have any advice?

Man, to be honest, I have kinda come to the point where I don't feel comfortable giving a lot of concrete advice on these boards, i don't know, that might change, but for right now...

I know how painful this is, I just ran into some finacial stuff with my wife just today. It sucks. Its another tangible reminder that we are separated and doing practical things like this is another step to permenance and to be honest I don't want to admit that or deal with it (read: I've got alot of growing to do...). But I can't tell you what do to. I don't think theres a strategy here that needs to take his illness into account. He will always have issues and you can't dance around them in all things and at all times. My only admonishment is to protect yourself; don't let your fears ruin your future...or credit. Sh*t...listen to me, like I know what I'm doing...I'm speaking to myself as much as you

I just worry that it'll be too late for us by then. I wish he'd let me share this with him. I think he feels he is doing it for my benefit to set me free.

F, Julia.....I know.... I know. "I just wish she could come along for the ride..." is an exact quote from me from my therapy session yesturday. I can't tell you how much I understand your pain. Suffer through his; we will be better for it. I am finding a depth in me that I did not know was there. Its exciting; its horrifing. It is his wall to break down; its my wife's wall to break down. Lets focus on building some things in us that have yet to be finished.

More questions? Bring'em on. I hope this wasn't absolutely incomprehensible.

I'm reading along.

And thank you...for listening.

B