An update: Overall, things generally continue to go well, although there have been a few snags. W was sick yesterday - strange intermittent sharp abdominal pains. Took her to the ER, spent 3 hours there, but they couldn't find anything wrong. Blood work was fine, CAT scan didn't show anything, appendix was fine, etc. So we just came home and she's going to see her regular GYN in a few days if the pains don't improve. They seemed to subside somewhat over the course of the day.
Two nights ago, we had an argument as we were about to turn in for the night. Can't even really remember how it started. It had something to do with how she seemed to be pulling away a little, and my uneasiness over that. She said that she was a bit resentful that I hadn't even mentioned that July 4th was the 10th anniversery of her dad's death, and she felt unsupported on that day. In truth, I had thought about it, but didn't want to bring it up and remind her of it. That was dumb, I guess. She still feels the loss quite a bit, even after 10 years. Anyway, I should have tried to be supportive. But she seemed to be punishing me excessively for this oversight, and it made me angry. After all, I'm still dealing with a fair amount of pain myself, and I (selfishly) think that she should be taking that into consideration before she accuses me of being insensitive. Later in the conversation I asked her if she was even sorry for being unfaithful. It was probably the wrong moment to ask, but in any case she said "not really". I didn't expect a whole-hearted sorrow-fest, but I did expect something more than "not really". I then said that I didn't see how she could simultaneously say she loves me and not be sorry for betraying me. She said, "well, that's just how I feel. I love you, but I don't really feel sorry right now". I told her that I was really trying to find a way to trust her again, but that I don't see how I can. I mean, if she's not even sorry she was unfaithful, then what within her will prevent her from doing it to me again?
I felt so hurt and angry. This was not an argument I wanted. I didn't feel like I'd picked a fight. Quite the opposite, I was trying to be communicative and not let a small problem become a big one. I've learned (somewhat to my surprise) during the course of the last few months that it's me, not her, who really does a better job of communicating real thoughts and feelings, things that are more than just small talk. I thought about that, and tried to set aside (again!) my need to have her be sorry (this issue will continue to be a big one, I think), and instead focus on how she was feeling about her dad. We laid on the bed in the dark on opposite sides of the bed silently for maybe 10 minutes. Although I really wished she would make the 1st move, I knew she wouldn't, and I didn't want to go to sleep angry, so I moved over and put my arms around her. She hugged me so tight, laid on my chest, and we fell asleep like that. Sometimes these hugs show me more than she's ever willing to say.
Yesterday evening, in the spa, she came over to me and very unexpectedly said that she had been so glad that I'd made the move to hug her that night, that she'd felt so bad, and that she had slept so well after. Half of me wanted to continue to talk about it, but I just dropped it. She doesn't make these gestures often, best not to discourage it.
This stuff will continue to come up. Her being truly sorry for the betrayal is important to me. It eventually needs to be her attitude, or it will be an ongoing sore spot and source of problems.
