Anyone else hate to admit you're divorced?

[LL44]

How do you think you judged divorced people, and why the wives more so than the husbands?

I can't believe I will admit this, but I saw divorced people as failures. Especially women, who couldn't 'keep her husband happy'. So pathetic, my train of thought. I am ashamed of my judging, and am thankful this ordeal granted me more patience and understanding with others.

[FLTC]

Unfortunately, I do se myself as a failure in this department,although in other areas of my life, I've had a lot of success. I guess we judge ourselves harder than others judge us...........

[beenthere]

FLTC, I remember being mad too. But, for me, it was because being nice didn't work. So, mild-mannered me let it all out for a while.

I am pleased to announce that now, we get along pretty well. I think the fact that OW is geographically out of the picture (temporarily or for good) has made a big difference. If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for my X. Gas prices and work schedule has him with the kids less than one weekend each month. It's really not good for either of us. He misses his kids and I need a break and neither one of us is the winner here.

So, look at the bright side, even though it sucks, you are with your kids every other weekend AND you have every other weekend free to do something for yourself. Having time for yourself is important too. I know it doesn't seem as if there's any good in any of it, sometimes you have to look for the positives.

[beenthere]

LWB...Me too, so maybe that explains a bit why I have a hard time admitting it. Seems like other people have an easier time coming to terms with it than I have.

[Starshyne]

How do you think you judged divorced people, and why the wives more so than the husbands?

I can't believe I will admit this, but I saw divorced people as failures. Especially women, who couldn't 'keep her husband happy'. So pathetic, my train of thought. I am ashamed of my judging, and am thankful this ordeal granted me more patience and understanding with others.

I admit that I thought the exact same thing. You hear that someone is divorced and I would automatically think, "I wonder what she did...." I talked to my pastor about how I was scared of people in the church thinking the same thing about me.

I am having a really rough time with saying I am divorced. I have gone back to my madien name and dread school starting in a few weeks. I did not want to keep his name but being a teacher, my last name is a big deal. I will have to explain to students, co-workers and parents that I am divorced. I don't want to do that. When I went into school a couple days ago to inform the secretary of my name change, she said "I already got it taken care of. I bet you are happy now that you are divorced." I have no clue how she knew what happened but I said, "no actually I am sad but doing my best to move forward." And then she said something like, "well he left you for another woman, so you should be happy." How on earth did she know that? People are talking about me. I am gossip. I really hate it.

Like many of you, the people I run with are not divorced. Divorce is so uncommon, almost like a disease, in my circle of peers. Everyone is either single or happily married. I feel like a freak.

Oh...and my XH calls me with his relationship and other problems as well.

[beenthere]

Oh wow...I thought I might be the only one whose X was calling with relationship details. And I, like some sort of masochist, I listen. He asks for advice, I give it. It's weird. Maybe because it doesn't directly involve me I'm able to look at it objectively? Or I like being a fly on their wall? Maybe it's from time spent here that I can see a lot of our situations reflected there...

I really don't know what to do about the name change thing. It's in the decree that I'm going back to my maiden name, but I haven't done anything about it yet. What exactly am I supposed to do about it? Can I change my mind after it's in the decree or is it final? I was just thinking that I don't want my kids with one name and me with another. I suppose there must be a government agency I can call...like that would help, ha ha.

[JMC]

LWB - thanks for your honesty. I too probably am guilty of judging others.

Regarding how to answer the question, I think going forward I am simply going to say "she went through MLC." I recently did have someone ask if there was infidelity involved. I just nodded my head and then told that person that in the overwhelming majority of divorces there are affairs involved. When someone asks about MLC, I then go into that discussion.

None of this is fun, but I am visiting a friend this weekend where there will be beer, boating and sun - a formula that usually equates to a great time.

[beenthere]

I would guess that it would be easier for a man to say he divorced because his wife had an affair than it would be for a woman to tell someone that her husband had an affair. I know I held onto that secret for a long while before I even told my best friend, LONG before we finally seperated and divorced.

I think my XH would have been gone in a flash and telling the world all about it.

Being here though, I guess there is a wide range of reactions, not always determined by whether man or woman.

[Starshyne]

beenthere: you aren't the only one listening to the problems and like some bizarre freak giving out advice. Yesterday I said to him, "you realize that you are telling your ex-wife this and wanting advice from your ex-wife?" He says that I am the only rational person he knows. One thing that I think plays into it is that we have been friends for such a long time. No one really understands him like I do just because I have been around him for so long. But I know that it brings me some pleasure is hearing that he is going through some of the exact stuff he brought upon me.

I don't understand the double standard of divorce, but I was right there with it. The wife must have done something or not done something to make the husband act the way he did. If nothing else, I have learned so much about how I was judging people.

I don't know what to tell you about the name change thing. I wanted my name back (but then I do not have children), but I just hate going over it again and again. I seriously am hoping that things aren't as awful as I think they will be at work in 3 weeks.

[FA]

Ctaching the thread topic here....no. In the beginning I did. I never really told anyone unless it was for some sort of info....like my military pay.