Confused and Bewildered

[7 Year Itch]

Guys. I'm scared to voice it. To make it real.

I know we're all afraid of losing our Ms, but what scares you specifically about losing yours, 7?

I think losing someone I love so very much. I've lost many to death (my Dad in a car accident when I was 22) , my Mom to mental illness, my whole Dad's side of the family when bad blood happened after his death.

I love and adore my H. I truly thought HE would be my life partner. He would forever be with me. That he would love me unconditionally. And now I see that is not true. That all my hopes and dreams for us, our girls, our family are falling apart. I know I can go on without him. I just don't want to. He's my best friend. And I love his family. It's huge and crazy, and wonderful. They are MY family. And while they are sweet and tell me they will always be my family (my inlaws have said this) the fact is, is it isn't the same.

I want it all. My family, my future, our past, my friend, my lover, my partner.


Onto other topics. I'm drained on that one for tonight. So I started officially today after my tryout day yesterday. It went well. Worked all day getting more horses on the website, and worked on some of his construction business stuff too. Good and productive day. I got lucky that they didn't quiet have everything prepared for me to start right away, so they don't need me tomorrow. That's a good thing. My D2 is the flower girl in a wedding on Sat., and I still need a dress for me (have nothing to wear after losing 45 lbs) a dress for D6, and new shoes for D2 for the day. Thankfully it's a home, casual wedding but I still need to shop. I'm glad I don't have to try to cram it in tomorrow night after work. NOthing like leaving stuff to the last minute.

So we'll run errands tomorrow. Then H will be coming to visit the girls tomorrow night. Tomorrow is our 12 year dating anniversary (the date of our first kiss). We used to always celebrate it as well as our wedding anniversary in Sept. I had invited him awhile ago to go out tomorrow. Of course he was wishy washy and it never went anywhere. So today I invited him to stay for a movie after the girls go to bed tomorrow, and he said he's let me know tomorrow. Doesn't sound promising.

I really don't know how sleeping with me is so easy, yet when I ask for a simple hug, or for som time for a freakin' hour and a half movie it's like moving mountains. And tonight he went out with a friend of a friend for a beer. I was surprised since they've never gone out alone. Well turns out this guy is close to divorce and wanted to go out and vent with H. GREAT. Just what he needs. Yet another person to sit and down on marriage all night.

Chris