Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Walking]

Don't take it personally girlfriend.

It's not really about you. Your H needs to justify his decisions and these circumstances. He'll exaggerate every little thing thta bothers him so that it's a big deal in order to give him the excuse he needs to behave like he is.

Detachment is the key. Detachment is the hardest part of this whole process, particularly when you've been a team for a long time. You need to get to the point where you can see what he does and hear what he says - but not let it touch you.

Have you read DB? If not do so. If you have, review the stuff about detachment.

[Sophie]

Detachment is the key. Detachment is the hardest part of this whole process, particularly when you've been a team for a long time. You need to get to the point where you can see what he does and hear what he says - but not let it touch you.

Have you read DB? If not do so. If you have, review the stuff about detachment.

Yes, yes:) I have and I do read, read, read...I feel pretty comfortable with my detachment from H's 'stuff'.

But...I am in desperate need of working on letting go of/detaching from resentment and hurt from the affair over 3 years ago...and the simple fact that he walked out on us.

I can see that if a mature, together, grown man has made a decision of the heart, for the utmost good of...bottom line...his children...it would not be one that leaves all the tasks of everyday life, school, etc...the chores of keeping up a house on 1 1/2 acres to his wife and young sons.

So...I find it easier to have compassion for a confused man and that H is not thinking of anyone else but himself. It's the time of the 'season' for him. You know...seasoning him for the 'ripe old age' LOL

And, that helps detach from taking it all on myself.

Now...I would like to 'chill' out a bit...on life.

Oops...kind of rambled there...

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Sophie))))))

You've got to write a lot more than that before it's rambling!

Detach, I think that is a key word for you. Really do your best to not let his actions, or words, or inactions, impact how you feel. Move your focus to yourself, and those kids!

And you have it, it is ALL about him right now. You can't change that. But, when the situations arise, you can validate that he is allowed to FEEL the way he does. Don't tell him you disagree with him, or what he is doing. That isn't going to help, even if you are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do!

And, thanks for coming by my thread! Stop by any time!

[Sophie]

Hi...it's Friday:)

I have a question.

My WAH has no OW, has been out on his own since 4/06...has thrown the D-word out in about 5 heated spew discussions (mine and his) over the last couple years. Yet...he doesn't do anything to file. Most of the time, he avoids the D-word.

Why?

And...whenever the 'push and pull' conversation of him coming back to the family (which I guess is actually R talk...and I know that's a bad idea)...he asks me 'why do you hang on?"

That question REALLY bothers me .... when I feel pretty comfy with my detachment and have gone for weeks without contacting him. I have focused on detachment seriously for a long time. That question threatens to negate my growth!!

I feel he is back in a time that I no longer live.

Why is he hanging on?

I don't feel like I am hanging on in an unhealthy way, anymore...I am going about my life and doing things that make me feel...free.

I don't want a D....and I haven't begged him to return. But, the question 'why do you hang on?' really BUGS!!

I guess it makes me doubt myself...and of course it hurts that he doubts me so much, too.

[Walking]

Yet...he doesn't do anything to file. Most of the time, he avoids the D-word.

Why?

I don't know. You don't know. Any discussion about it would be speculation and assumption - and you know that when you assume you make an ass out of u and me!!!

Are you sure he doesn't have an OW? That is pretty unusual. But in any case it doesn't matter.

You don't want a D. He's not demanding a D. That's got to be good news right?

Just keep on looking after your beautiful children and yourself. Let him do whatever it is he's doing out there and give him the space that he so clearly needs.

You made the progress this week with the getting together with the kids thing ... now be patient and see what happens next.

V

[Sophie]

Thank you V...I need to figure out how to receive notification of responses...I didn't know you gave me such good insight.

This 'bomb' began with an OW...there isn't, and hasn't been any relationship with an OW since he moved out. I don't know about a date here and there...but, I do know he doesn't have much money to spend and except for a couple months, he's kept up his share of the bills.

An UPdate...I need a little reassurance or...something...

I, nor the kids, have heard anything from H since D's bday last Wednesday...July 30. The 180 day for me...I just let go...and let them have their own day. I stepped back, took time for myself, and just....let go.

It still feels good to not 'be in charge' so much. It still feels good to look down the road and have such a need to be included in everything...bdays, Thanksgiving etc...

Anyway,...the other 180 that I did was for the first time,....just let the kids go with inlaws for a week to the beach. I LOVE the beach, I have always gone...but, this time...I'm just letting them go. I have so much I need to get done...I don't NEED to be included right now.

H's parents are very upset over what H has done over the last 3 years...but, they try to 'stay out of it'....they have the attitude...'one day at a time'...for many reasons. I don't get some times how they can support both of us, when we are on such opposite pages. But, they still see us as married, and that this is part of the big picture.

Anyway...didn't mean to ramble on that; just some back ground.

Now...the 180 of the day.

H's parents are coming driving 4 hours to pick up the kids on Thurs. They'll spend the night...they always stay at my house, with the kids and me. They'll leave Friday and be gone for a week.

I may go the next weekend, spend a day or two, then bring them back...or...they will bring the kids back. However it works out.

Usually, when they come here, I don't say anything to H. I just treat them as MY guests...H isn't in contact, so I don't say anything. Sometimes, H's parents call him, and take us all out to dinner.

I admit...I have never wanted to be left out! I believed if I was included, H could never end the marriage.

I guess a part of letting go, and feeling 'as if'....I don't have that need to be included all the time, like I did.

I tm'd H a few minutes ago.

Me: I keep forgetting to tell you, your parents are coming Thursday in case you might want to plan dinner w/the kids. I have a ton of work to do.

H: Thank you.

H replied. H usually doesn't reply...especially after 9pm!

Nothing too big...but, baby steps, right? I had to 'document' this...

taking it slow...

I'm afraid I'll get insecure in this letting go process. I have in the past...everyone seems to go on really great without me.

Then...I get angry.

I SO don't want to fall back!

Encouragement??

[Sophie]

OMG...I just remembered!!

I think I'm actually getting comfortable with my detachment.

I just remembered that the day H's parents are coming...the day I tm'd H about taking kids out w/parents for dinner is our 15th wedding anniversary...or our 3rd Anti-versary.

I remember periodically, that it is approaching...but, I get so distracted with doing everything, that I forget.

The first anti-versary really upset me... the second anti-versary, last year, I called H at work and he offered up 'Happy Anniversary'...this year...I'm okay to just let the day pass.

15 years is 15 years...good and bad.

Oh well....H might think I'm up to something. I've been accused of that before...coincidental planning.

[Sophie]

Just an update.

The boys soccer teams were assigned today. The coaches call me because I'm the one paying, shuffling both of them to different places, different teams (often on the same day), organizing, buying shoes, kleats, shin guards, etc, etc...I'm in charge; they live w/me...I've been pretty much single mom...and definately the only parent.

H has only, for the last 2 years only shown up to games.

I was not going to say anything, give him a schedule etc....just do it all myself...I do it all myself anyway.

BUT...I realize that is adding to me being that 'obstacle' between H and kids.

The coaches called tonight.

I tm'd H: 'S10 has a new coach...the team is the Bombers and they wear neon green shirts!...It's the team S10 wanted because his friend is on it:)

That was 1/2 hour ago...no reply, no acknowledgement...it's too soon...I mean 1/2 hours is only 30 minutes!!

Do I keep H informed of these things, even though he has not participated in anything but watching the games?

There is no way I have time to update and inform H of all the events in the 3 kid's lives!!

But, I don't want to be an obstacle and keep stuff from H, just because I feel taken for granted.

If H doesn't respond, or do anything to be involved (as in the last 2 years)...do I have to keep informing him?????

I get to feeling worn out.

But, I give my mom updates...my friends updates...so...I guess H should get updates. It conflicts with my 'no contact'?

I'm confused.

[Sophie]

I tm'd H: 'S10 has a new coach...the team is the Bombers and they wear neon green shirts!...It's the team S10 wanted because his friend is on it:)

That was 1/2 hour ago...no reply, no acknowledgement...it's too soon...I mean 1/2 hours is only 30 minutes!!

.

Wow...pretty sad...I'm quoting myself now.

Anyway,

That text was last night.

Around 6pm
H tm'd a response
"That's cool....I bet S10 is happy. Sorry for the delayed response...But Sunday I will have almost 80 hrs. this week"

Me: 'Holy Smokes...80 hrs at one job? (he sometimes works side jobs). I feel kinda bad for switching teams and there is a lot more driving all over the county...but, it's only for 2 months'

H: 'oh well...whatever it takes'

So, I'm leaving it at that....through this whole time, H has worked, worked, worked. He is in woodworking, and exhibits. H does everything from design-cut-build-install.

I guess his OWomen have names Cherry, Chestnut,Maple, Oak and Mahogony...oh, and Miss Walnut!

Just a chuckle...for me.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((Sophie))))))))

He sounds like he is ok with it.... hopefully he will help out!

I think it makes sense to keep him in the loop on kid things. You can keep a connection there without being pushy. I think you did a good job!

Here's to Miss Walnut!