Cinders - I've only just read the painful exchange between you and IMP. I saw Alison refer to it and came over to have a look.

You know, I'm now about 3 years down the track. I've been divorced for a bit over a year. I consider myself a strong, successful, professional, independent woman. I also consider myself a sucessful DBer. I read you and Mrs H regularly. I LOVE everything Lissie writes. I sometimes even quote her in real life. I love Mothermovingon and ACJ and I go way back. I've been around for a while.

I'm always happy to post on the I-may-not-have-saved-my-marriage-but-I-saved-me posts. Sometimes, however when I do write on those posts I also feel like a fraud, because regardless of what I say and regardless of how "detached" I am and how bright my life looks from here, sometimes the fact that my husband (who I thought was the sun, moon and stars) is married to a woman who is 20 years older than me and possibly the most boring woman on earth really pisses me off. I counsel myself that it must be her mega million dollar bank account he's attracted to, but really? How does that work?

I feel like a fraud because I'm not as detached as IMP and Shewholurks or Oldtimer. I feel like a fraud because sometimes I still get lonely for my marriage.

Without exception, from the days of his fulsome exchanges with Rollercoasterrider I agree, congnitively, with every word IMP writes. He's got the analytical skills and emotional background to really nail this self determination stuff. He's good - but he's a lot of years down the track.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know how far off it feels now - but I really want you to understand that you will get to where IMP is one day. I know I will and I know I get closer to it every day (... OK, OK - it's not all about me!!!).

I also know you don't want to get there. I understand that the concept of "letting go" to you feels like "giving up". I promise you it's not. I promise you that "letting go" will give you the freedom to look at all the possible things in the world that could fulfil you and make you happy and then you get to chose. If one of those is reconciling with your husband down the track - it will be one choice that you have - not the only choice - but one choice you can make for the right reasons. Because you want to, not because you've put all your eggs into that basket for so many long years.

I really started to make headway to healing when I realised that there were lots of things in the world that could make me happy BESIDES reconciling with my husband. That's the bottom line in all of this you know? For the first little while when we separate and even divorce, we come here for strength and our vain and at times inglorious hope is that when we reconcile with our spouse we will be happy again. A year or 2 years is a long time to put off happiness just because we haven't done one thing out of the millions of possible things we could do with our lives.

It's a dodgy thing to tell ourselves too - it's exactly the same as saying "I will be happy when I've lost 10 kilos." or "I'll be happy when I've had 3 children" or "I'll be happy when I've paid off my mortgage" or in some functional(ish) relationships "I'll be happy when my husband does more stuff around the house" You know what I mean? We shouldn't put off happiness because one thing in our life is out of kilter or not what we expected.

The other problem with putting off happiness because of one circumstance in our live is that the problem absorbs all our energy. If we give it so much room in our lives (and Goodness knows if it's the one thing that we need to ensure happiness it's not surprising we give it so much energy) there isn't much space left for all the other possible things that might make us happy.

Make some space in your life for other options Cinders. The universe has spoken and right now, for reasons you don't control, your life isn't how you would like it to be. Make the most of this time to be the best woman you can be until the stars align again and you wake up one day and realise your life is once again exactly the way you like it best. Maybe not the way you planned it - but as they say - the best way to make God giggle is to tell him you've got a plan ....

all the best

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.