Cinders - I've only just read the painful exchange between you and IMP. I saw Alison refer to it and came over to have a look.
You know, I'm now about 3 years down the track. I've been divorced for a bit over a year. I consider myself a strong, successful, professional, independent woman. I also consider myself a sucessful DBer. I read you and Mrs H regularly. I LOVE everything Lissie writes. I sometimes even quote her in real life. I love Mothermovingon and ACJ and I go way back. I've been around for a while.
I'm always happy to post on the I-may-not-have-saved-my-marriage-but-I-saved-me posts. Sometimes, however when I do write on those posts I also feel like a fraud, because regardless of what I say and regardless of how "detached" I am and how bright my life looks from here, sometimes the fact that my husband (who I thought was the sun, moon and stars) is married to a woman who is 20 years older than me and possibly the most boring woman on earth really pisses me off. I counsel myself that it must be her mega million dollar bank account he's attracted to, but really? How does that work?
I feel like a fraud because I'm not as detached as IMP and Shewholurks or Oldtimer. I feel like a fraud because sometimes I still get lonely for my marriage.
Without exception, from the days of his fulsome exchanges with Rollercoasterrider I agree, congnitively, with every word IMP writes. He's got the analytical skills and emotional background to really nail this self determination stuff. He's good - but he's a lot of years down the track.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know how far off it feels now - but I really want you to understand that you will get to where IMP is one day. I know I will and I know I get closer to it every day (... OK, OK - it's not all about me!!!).
I also know you don't want to get there. I understand that the concept of "letting go" to you feels like "giving up". I promise you it's not. I promise you that "letting go" will give you the freedom to look at all the possible things in the world that could fulfil you and make you happy and then you get to chose. If one of those is reconciling with your husband down the track - it will be one choice that you have - not the only choice - but one choice you can make for the right reasons. Because you want to, not because you've put all your eggs into that basket for so many long years.
I really started to make headway to healing when I realised that there were lots of things in the world that could make me happy BESIDES reconciling with my husband. That's the bottom line in all of this you know? For the first little while when we separate and even divorce, we come here for strength and our vain and at times inglorious hope is that when we reconcile with our spouse we will be happy again. A year or 2 years is a long time to put off happiness just because we haven't done one thing out of the millions of possible things we could do with our lives.
It's a dodgy thing to tell ourselves too - it's exactly the same as saying "I will be happy when I've lost 10 kilos." or "I'll be happy when I've had 3 children" or "I'll be happy when I've paid off my mortgage" or in some functional(ish) relationships "I'll be happy when my husband does more stuff around the house" You know what I mean? We shouldn't put off happiness because one thing in our life is out of kilter or not what we expected.
The other problem with putting off happiness because of one circumstance in our live is that the problem absorbs all our energy. If we give it so much room in our lives (and Goodness knows if it's the one thing that we need to ensure happiness it's not surprising we give it so much energy) there isn't much space left for all the other possible things that might make us happy.
Make some space in your life for other options Cinders. The universe has spoken and right now, for reasons you don't control, your life isn't how you would like it to be. Make the most of this time to be the best woman you can be until the stars align again and you wake up one day and realise your life is once again exactly the way you like it best. Maybe not the way you planned it - but as they say - the best way to make God giggle is to tell him you've got a plan ....
all the best
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
God Bless you Cinders and your family. I am so pleased you had a good holiday.
I am thrilled you had an awakening. "Life is too short to sit and wait."
I have been trying to impress this on people today. Life is for living, not sitting and waiting or doing nothing equating that with being still. Not saying you did at all. Its a fine balance but I so passionately believe that we have to move on and live the life God gave us.
We all have to be thankful for the life we had and look forward to what will come next whilst living in the now.
Life is change, seasons come and go,ever evolving. Who knows why sometimes our partners change and take a different path. It happens. So go and shine your light for all to see.
You do what you need to do for your life. Stop in every now and then for an update. You are an inspiration to so many here and we love keeping up with you.
Be fabulous!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I feel like a Hen with all my chicks back again ! Very very happy !
Kids had a wonderful time ! H had texted to ask if I'd like to join him for dinner with the kids when he brought them home, so I did, it was good. We all shared vacation stories ..and I coped very well hearing theirs.
The kids brought me presents. It was lovely. H and ow got D9 a belly dancing outfit. D9 loved it. H called ow to let her know and to put D9 on the phone to thank her. We had not bought anything for ow...but I did buy some small cute lavender filled small flowery cushions to put in your wardrobe. I quickly gift wrapped them and gave it to D9 to give to her dad for ow. H was pleased, ow called to thank her. Life has become simpler this way. I just accept it now. It has free-ed me, liberated me too.
Now there is room for friendship. Slowly moving in the right direction. Like Happy told me, H has made his choice. Nothing I can do about it. I just want to live now and I am so happy that life is what it is !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
My girls have been watching that show "Reba" and Reba's H had an MLC, got the ow pregnant, and ow and Reba became friends. Of course, the H married ow in this story line but it does have some funny moments.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Cinders - where were you in France? I just got back on Thursday from there after 10 days in Spain and then 7 in France. We had a fab time too - it's such a laid back place!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
