Thanks for your reply. It's good to get the perspective of someone who has been in my W's shoes. I had said that it was "very annoying" when my W said that it was hard to hurt someone that she cared about so much. Let me amend that. It was actually much more than very annoying. I felt a white-hot flash of anger (which I quickkly suppressed, and said nothing about). I cannot begin to count all of the many times over these last few months when she has said or done things that hurt me so much. I'm still waiting for her to express some sadness about that. Maybe some day. I guess it's one of those things I can't demand - she either is or isn't sad or sorry about it - and it's an issue for a later time, but oh boy how quickly that white-hot anger can be triggered. From calm to maniacal (though well hidden) in about 2 seconds flat.
I hope I can give her what she found in the OG. I think I know what some of those things are, but it's very hard to get her to open up and talk about it, that's one of the challenges ahead. She told me about a month ago that she thought that she had said all that needed to be said previously. The discussions she was referring to were back in February, and she hasn't wanted to talk about them since. I'm not sure why not, I mean, if it were me, it would be great if she would be willing to hear my list of the things I would really appreciate her doing or changing about herself. Perhaps she didn't want to have such a discussion until after she felt more committed. If so, then now (or soon) might be an appropriate time.
Tuesday evening we went out, saw a movie and had dinner at a local brewhouse. Had a great time. Came back, had sex, went to sleep, and then had wake-up sex in the morning (gotta love that part of reconnecting). Took the day off, went to IHOP with the kids for breakfast, lounged around the pool most of the afternoon, and had some neighbors over for drinks later on. Another excellent day. No R talk, of course, but we did talk about some future plans, and that always feels reassuring.
You mentioned forgiveness. I have not yet forgiven my W. Well, that's not entirely true. I have forgiven a few things, but mostly I've been waiting for the sincere apology that in a perfect world would preceed the forgiveness. That may not ever come, so I will be left to forgive anyway. That is something that I think that I can do. But not yet. It's not that I really expect a pound of flesh, and I don't want to hang onto these hurt feelings and the right to inflict guilt on my W forever. But, well, maybe I DO want to be able to keep the right to inflict guilt, at least a little longer. Forgiveness, I think, means giving that up as a weapon. It's not a weapon I've used; I've never thrown the A in her face. But while good Brian wants to forgive and move on, evil Brian wants to keep that arrow handy in the quiver, to pull out and use in some future argument. Anyway, it's something I'll continue to think about.
