Recommitment issues, post affair

[smokry]

She started to tear up a little, and said that she was feeling sad and just needed a little time to get over this final goodbye, and said it mainly felt like she was losing a good friend. She also said that it was hard to hurt someone that she cared about so much (I guess he took the goodbye pretty hard.) The fact that she didn't want to hurt someone she cared about was very annoying to me -

When I ended it with the OG it was HARD and I was sad.Sad for lots of reasons...not necessarily for giving him up but for the friendship that was lost forever between several families, sad knowing I had contributed to causing people lots of heartache, sad because I had caused myself lots of heartache, sad knowing that I had to make a choice and mad at myself for putting myself in the position to have to make a choice. Even though I knew the OG was a dead end relationship he did give me lots of support and really was a good friend. I miss him- we had FUN which I wasn't having at home...and it wasn't about sex. It was about someone telling me I looked nice, someone caring what I thought,etc (you responded to my thread- so you've got the basics of my relationship with my H!)I would assume that your wife is sad for lots of various reasons...not just because she had to end it. Which- by the way- I think you are a saint for allowing her time to "wean" herself from the relationship.I would never even had considered asking for that. I knew what had to be done and I did it- period. If I was in your shoes- I would have expected an immediate ending as I'm sure my H expected an immediate ending.

Ironicaly enough, I had come to the decision that enough was enough and I just couldn't continue talking to him and seeing him. We had spent some time together with another mutual friend on a Saturday while his W was out of town and so was my H. It pissed them both off very much and I planned the next day to tell og that it was over. That night before I could enlighten him- he decided to tell his W. When that happened it was DEFINATELY over on my part. I didn't want EITHER one of them at that point and told them both to leave me alone!But I digress...back to your post...My point is that she is probably sad for lots of reasons- it is a time for great reflection and sometimes what you see if very painful.

You say she doesn't seem sorry for having the A and is trying to blame it on you...I would go out on a limb and say that she IS sorry for the A. It's just hard to admit it when she is hurt/angry, etc because of the problems in your M. I dont' blame my H for the actual A- I blame myself. But he has to understand his part in the sequence of events that led me to make that very bad choice. He had a choice too when he went to the ow house he met at the bar- that was his choice but my actions contributed to the choice...Does that make sense?

I like what Michelle says on her seminar tapes- Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You don't forget but you forgive. You don't want to forget- you want to learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them.She says you should give your s the benefit of the doubt- they heard you and you should give them the opportunity to make the M better.Leave the past in the past so you can move forward. Wipe the slate clean and start from this point on...

I know it's easier said than done...but that is what I am trying to do. Both with my H and with myself. Gee here I am giving advice when my own M is so crappy! Hope that helps some!