Hi Brian, Welcome to piecing...the hottest forum on the BB! (I may be a bit biased as it is MY home, but... ).
I think the gradual "weaning" you W is doing might be better in the long run than you demanding a clean end NOW. Why do I say this? Well, in my sitch, after bomb #2 (check my summary at the top of my post if this doesn't make sense) CJ (my H) "broke up" with his EA/PA/soulmate on the phone with me listening. It was a weak ending to be sure. I SHOULD have known better, in fact I DID. I questioned how on earth an A that had been going on for several months, which included plans to run off together (and some unspeakable lies!) could end so simply.
Well it didn't. She was back in touch with him the next day i worked. And they continued their A for months behind my back. By the time my H realized it had been a HUGE mistake, the OW was insisting on continued contact or she'd call me and spill the beans. Too weird...but back to YOUR issues.
How do you trust that the A is really over? Well at first you probably won't. One clear indication will be getting RID of that bloody cell phone. But prepare to have your heart thump whenever the phone rings, whenever your W checks her e-mail or is out for what seems like suspiciously long times. (Like my H's favourite 2 hour trip to the video store up the street).
At that time, with him NOT clearly committed to our M (and me in the dark about OW again) I didn't question him. He told me afterwards that I SHOULD HAVE!!!
Rest assured, however that as things return to normal, day by day, these gut wrenching feelings of "she's thinking about him, calling him" WILL fade.
How do you trust "anything she says?" Like an earlier poster recommended: pay attention to the positives: when she says something and follows through.
I CANNOT emphasize enough the inrediblr focus-shifting power of getting into the habit of listing 3 positives each day. (credit where due: LL ).
Trust ME, Bri after the WHOMPING lies my H told not only to me but to OW too, I was in a total head spin over just WHO WAS THIS MAN??? (Samples: he told her we were separated. No. He told her our house was for sale. Not even a breath of that. He told her everyone here knew about her...NO! He told her he had painted the marvelous landscape that my BIL had painted for us as a wedding gift!!! He told her my brother punched him out. No! He told her all kinds of lies about our sex life. Then of course there were the lies he told ME...there is no OW. Okay it was dinner and a kiss...oy vey, just read my summary!"
The purpose of this rant...I do most days trust this man, I'd say, about 90%. Sometimes when an "unknown" number comes up on our caller ID (which was his Idea so we'd know if OW had tried to call...a nice reassurance for me that he DIDN'T want contact with her anymore), I get suspicious. In fact I picked one up the other day and was hung up on. My worst thought there was that it WAS her, pitiful creature, and she got spooked to hear my live voice (ususally the machine picks up).
How do you know she won't ever do this again? Well, you may hate to hear this, but you won't. Sure there will be signs and reassurances as your M moves forward and gets stronger...for example my H still feels incredible remorse for his two A's and all the pain they brought into our lives. Also the dynamic between us has changed. It HAD to change! He now calls me on behaviour that is controlling, unduly sarcastic, hurtful and we talk it out, instead of letting it fester.
Another thought: You may not be able to fully trust that SHE won't stray again, but I'll bet you have a WHOLE lot more trust in YOURSELF to be able to handle it and BE OKAY regardless, right?
Thoughts of the OG and sex. Oh those were tough. At first I had several "flash backs" (can it be called that when it's imaginary?) full visual, intrusive images of them "doing it" and of course much more enthusiastically than with us. I would actuall have a full body spasm...something like what people with post traumatic stress disorder experience. NOT FUN!
With time these too faded. I've had maybe one in the last 3 weeks. They used to be several times a day. What helped after the first while was to let it wash over me, and then distract myself. CHOOSE CONSCIOUSLY not to feed that line of thinking.
Turns out as H reveled the last time we talked about it, that all was not "fire works and champagne corks flying" in that department with them anyway ...I'm sorry but that was good to know (history of sexual problems in our M).
Even if sex with OM was great...chances are it was all about that initial rush of hormones, that chintzy honeymoon thing that NEVER lasts...so comfort yourself with that at the very least.
She doesn't seem truely sorry for the A and still blames you, huh? Well my H went through a fair bit of time in this headspace too. He was "angry man" for a time. It was MY fault for having stomped on his gentle nature, for being such a controlling b!tch that he couldn't even come and express his discontent directly to ME!!!
Our MC helped him see that regardless of the role I played in helping to deteriorate our M and R, his CHOICE of what to do with his pain was HIS CHOICE...and NOT in any way MY responsibility. He sees this very clearly now.
R talks and opening up about what she wants? Key here is to hone your listening skills, my friend. I can't tell you how many times I had to bite my tongue and just LISTEN, and VALIDATE what my H was saying. Even if I had the perfect rebuttal all ready to roll.
You want the R talks and the talks about her needs to be something that is positive for her. Timing can be important. Some folks here have set R-talk times with a time limit so things don't get out of hand or seem like a rehashing of all old woes. More like a check in on how we're each doing...what's good? What could be improved on...then lets see a movie, eat dinner, do someting FUN!
One thing that others have done (me too) was to ask in a non accusatory fashion: what was the OP giving you that I wasn't and how can I help fulfill that need? H revealed that his OW listened and commiserated with him on his work woes, she had a controlling H so they had lots to share there , she made him feel special, wanted....Brian WE can do all of that!!!
I would strongly suggest that you with great earnesty ask your W to read "after the affair". It really opened my H's eyes to what both sides go through (have YOU read it? Do!) and what is expected and even required of the spouse who strayed.
Do these things Brian and I think the self-respect and respect for her will begin to build on their own.
).
on the phone with me listening. It was a weak ending to be sure. I SHOULD have known better, in fact I DID. I questioned how on earth an A that had been going on for several months, which included plans to run off together (and some unspeakable lies!) could end so simply.
